Movie Marathon Madness
by Schrodinger's Kat
Summary: Rukia, while attempting to become an expert on the habits of the average mortal teenager, reveals that she has never heard of Star Wars - Ichigo must remedy this! Is Rukia's educational film viewing a recipe for Sereitei-wide mayhem? No pairings
1. The Instigation

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, Star Wars, their respective characters, or anything pertaining to them. Except my Star Wars action figures, posters, music, sheet music, movies, video game, books, radio screenplay, x-wing paper origami model that I made a few days ago, and... yeah, you get the idea.

Author's Note:

Hello! So, I'm relatively new to the world of Bleach, but I really admire how well developed and convoluted the story and characters are, and love some of the things writers on FanFiction have done with them, and wanted to explore this for myself. I'm also new to fanfiction writing, so please assist me with any suggestions (including ideas for future chapters!) / corrections that you think will help this to improve. However, I've only caught up to about season 7 or 8, so please don't tell me what happens after! :) Reviews are dearly, extremely appreciated and will make my day; you have no idea. Thanks for reading!

~ the Kat

"Ichigo! Oi, Ichigo! Why aren't you listening to me?"

Kurosaki Ichigo turned his desk chair around to face the diminutive female sitting on his floor, surrounded by the magazines she constantly littered it with. "Yes, Rukia?" he responded patiently.

"So, Ichigo, I've been thinking."

"That's new. Could be dangerous. Heh, but it's better than hearing she's been drawing," he muttered under his breath. Not quietly enough though; fortunately, he already knew that. That's why he managed to duck in time when one of those girly magazines decided quite suddenly to attempt an impromptu nose job on his face.

"Don't be ridiculous. This is serious. I've been thinking about what else I need to learn about modern human life before I return to make my report to the Thirteenth Division in Sereitei!"

"Ah, I see. So, little girl, what other top-secret information do you need on the highly endangered species of the mortal teenager?"

The small girl frowned at the lanky carrot-top, but decided to let his sarcasm slide for once. "Well, I've learned all about behavior at school – how to dress, what to say, how to eat, what you study – but I still don't know all that much about your lives outside of school. There must be some way to quickly learn about what normal human adolescents do in their free time. You, know, I just love those words – free time – it's ironic, because we have so much more time in the Soul Society, in terms of lifespan, but really, I don't know if any of us in the Sereitei ever think of it as free. I know Nii-sama doesn't. Everything at the proper time, in its place, all for a purpose – if he ever were to give a speech about what's important, I think he would start off like that –"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Byakuya can think whatever he wants," Ichigo interrupted her rambling. Honestly, he didn't really like to hear that much about the differences between the mortal world and the Soul Society. It just forced him to appreciate the difference between the two realms he was now permanently caught up in, but never could belong to fully any more. It hurt inside, a little bit, and he didn't see any need to remind himself of it unnecessarily. "Well then, what plan exactly did you have in mind to solve this perplexing riddle of teens' free time?"

Rukia gazed at him expectantly. "I don't know – that's why I'm asking you. What did you do before you became a substitute Shinigami? What do your friends do? I know Kiego always bothers you to go do things with him – what kind of things does he expect to do with you?"

Ichigo sighed, then rubbed the back of his head thoughtfully. "Um, just normal stuff – playing video games. Going to the movies. If there's a mixed group, then walking around and maybe shopping, though I and most other boys would try to avoid that."

Rukia tilted her head to one side, a long strand of black hair sliding to the side of her nose as she did so. She impatiently blew at it. When it settled back in the exact same location, she just ignored it and continued carefully considering Ichigo's information. "Hmmm… well, I've seen adolescents walking around aimlessly often enough. I've been shopping with Orihime and Tatsuki, and I've certainly noticed how you, Ishida, Sado and the others suddenly have far too much homework or other commitments to come along with us when that happens. So I think I've researched that enough. The other two, movies and videogames – what about those? I don't think I'm familiar with them."

"I can show you videogames if you want. We have some around the house," Ichigo responded helpfully. "I can show you mine, and Karin and Yuzu can show you what girls like. Though, really, girls like the stuff I used to play, or at least, Tatsuki did when we were younger."

Rukia nodded firmly. "Okay, that will work. But that still leaves movies. I know I've heard of them, and I've seen television every once in a while, and they always sounded somewhat similar. They aren't the same thing, are they?"

Ichigo shook his head. "No, not the ones you go to with friends. You all buy tickets to go into this big building with lots of dark rooms with big screens, and they show different films in different ones. You sit in there in these seats, and sometimes eat candy and popcorn while you watch the movies. New ones, generally; afterwards, you can buy them and watch them on the TV. I guess our family aren't really big TV or movie watchers; at least, not when I'm around anymore."

Rukia felt a faint twinge of regret; she knew that Ichigo's family must have felt like something invisible was pulling him further and further away from them as soon as she had stepped through his window that fateful night of their meeting. They must want to spend time talking or doing things with him when they had the chance now, not just sitting in front of some light-throwing box. Hopefully, time would reverse that distance between Ichigo and his family, but in the meantime, she wanted to ignore that guilty feeling and concentrate on the task at hand. "Well, could you recommend any for me to go see? Or do you think I could get the same experience by seeing an old one of yours on your television set? I don't want to spend money on something unnecessary."

Ichigo smirked to himself, remembering the Chappy notebook and pen set that Rukia had bought just yesterday, but didn't say anything out loud about that; let Rukia think he was approving of her thrifty ways. "Um, well, I don't know of any good new movies out now; I haven't really been keeping up with that sort of stuff. I think that you'd get a good enough idea of what going to the movies is like by staying here and watching some classic. I'd say Star Wars; that's my favorite, even though it's a foreign one. But you all have probably already seen that; it's pretty old now."

Rukia shook her head emphatically. "Nooo-oooo. I've never even heard of that. What's Star Wars about? Would I like it? And how can stars fight anyway?"

Ichigo's jaw dropped. "Never heard of Star Wars! Aw man! You all don't know what you're missing! It's the best series ever! I can't believe you never even heard of it. And no, the stars don't fight – people who live on different planets fight, some to rule them over everyone else, and some to protect their freedom. But it's also the story of one particular family, and how they actually shaped the whole war, while trying to protect and save each other… No, I'm not explaining it well at all. It's amazing. It's probably the best thing to come out on screen ever, which is especially amazing for a movie made in the seventies."

Rukia suddenly looked hesitant. "The nineteen-seventies, you say?"

"Yeah; why?"

Rukia nodded slowly to herself. "Ah, that explains it. All members of missions to the real world during the seventies and eighties were warned against bringing back elements of the popular culture."

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "Huh? What for?"

Rukia leaned forward conspiratorially. "You remember Kyouraku Shunsui Taicho?"

"The pink kimono guy. Yeah, I remember him."

"Yes, the pink kimono. _That_ is why."

Ichigo thought he understood now. "Did Kyouraku-san get that flowery thing at Woodstock or something?"

"No, he's had it for a very long time, but Yamamoto Soutaicho didn't want anything else flowery to appear. Like a psychedelic daisy – painted love bug."

"Whoa, wait, you know what a psychedelic daisy is but you don't know Star Wars? What is wrong with you?"

Rukia sniffed. "I get information from what sources I can. Right now, it's these old magazines of Yuzu's. And they inform me that psychedelic daisies are poised to make a comeback from the seventies, like love bugs already have, but they did not say anything about Star Wars."

"Well, we'll just have to fix that. Yamamoto won't have a problem with Star Wars; no psychedelic daisies in there. So, there are six movies, about two hours each, and you have to watch them all, because the sixth one is the best and you have to watch them in order – I've always wanted to find out what someone thinks who watches them for the first time in order – and –"

"Hey, hey! Wait, no! No, that won't work!" Rukia tried to interrupt Ichigo's rhapsodizing near the middle, but gradually increased her volume until he finally acknowledged her presence again. "I have to return to Sereitei the day after tomorrow, and I still have homework tonight and school tomorrow. I'll never be able to watch twelve hours worth of movies by then, unless I stay up really late, and I don't want to keep your family up with the light and noise. Do you have anything else shorter that I can see?"

But now, Ichigo was adamant. He might scoff at her and her captain's efforts to rationalize and classify the habits of mortals, but this was something he was passionate about, and as with all good obsessions, it was something he wanted to share with everyone he cared about. "No, there isn't anything else nearly as good – you'll just have to borrow my copy. I assume that you all have TV somewhere, right? Or could you hook up that communication screen – thingy that you use with a real world DVD or VCR player?"

"Yes, I suppose so – if not, I'm sure the Twelfth Division would be able to put something together to do that." Suddenly, Rukia looked like someone had flipped on a light switch inside her face. "I know – I'll have a movie watching party! I'll invite everyone in the division so they can learn about adolescent habits through experience without even leaving Sereitei! It'll be so educational but fun; Ukitake Taicho will love it! I bet he'll bring snacks for everyone, just like in the movies here! And I could ask Nii-sama to come too, and he could bring Renji, and maybe Hinamori-san would like to come; she seems so down all the time, I'd like to ask her at least. Oh, and if she comes, maybe she'll convince Hitsugaya Taicho to come, and Matsumoto fukutaicho would come too! And if Matsumoto-san comes, then probably Kira fukutaicho and Hisagi fukutaicho would end up coming, hopefully without too much sake; if they bring any at all though, Kyouraku Taicho will come, but he'd probably come anyway if Ukitake Taicho is involved at all. And then Nanao-fukutaicho would drop in to look for Kyouraku Taicho to sign forms; she might let the other officers of the Shinigami Women's Association, Nemu fukutaicho and Yachiru fukutaicho, know about the movie once she finds out. Oh, but if Yachiru comes, then Kenpachi Taicho will definitely show up sometime, and then so will Ikkaku-san and Yumichika-san, and probably the rest of squad eleven as well. And Kurotsuchi Taicho might come by to get Nemu –"

"Yes, well, you'll have quite a party on your hands then, won't you? Heh, Kurotsuchi watching Star Wars! I don't know if that would even be safe," Ichigo wondered. He hoped he hadn't made an unwise decision in offering to loan his favorite DVDs to Rukia. He knew that when too many Shinigami gathered together, things had a way of becoming destroyed spectacularly and speedily. At least, that was the way it always was when he was around. Actually, he'd have to amend that thought; when there was only one Shinigami from eleventh squad, or even half of one if you counted Yachiru (she was way too small and fast for her own good), things might be destroyed even faster. Well, he had already insisted that Rukia watch Star Wars; he just would have to wait and see what chaos would come of it.

Rukia snapped out of her reverie and turned back to Ichigo. "If you're so worried, why don't you come and watch it with us? It will be on the weekend; you can keep an eye on your precious movies, and see that no harm comes to them. It will be okay if you can't though; I promise to replace them if anything happens."

Ichigo quickly took advantage of the opportunity. "Sure, I'll try to come. No promises though." Inside however, he was planning on it. He knew his father would be busy with a conference, Karin and Yuzu had a sleepover party at a friend's house, and in all actuality, it would take a great deal to keep Ichigo away from a chance to see Star Wars with other people again.


	2. The Invitations

Movie Marathon Madness Chapter 2

Wow, I got this out fast! Once I read your reviews, I just couldn't help but write more immediately! Thanks SuperfluousMan, SkyKhanHunter, and Eradona for letting me know that you enjoyed this and wanted more – your wish is my command! Within reason, or course. However, I would very much like it if you wished that I owned Bleach and Star Wars, because…

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach or Star Wars their respective characters, or anything pertaining to them.

Now that that's taken care of, here's the next chapter! Please review and let me know how this can get better, and what other shenanigans you foresee for Sereitei!

~ the Kat

The next day at school, Ichigo went about spreading the news. The first person he happened to bump into (quite literally) turned out to be none other than Inoue Orihime.

"Yo, Inoue!"

"O-oh, Kurosaki-kun! Excuse me! And good morning!"

"Good morning – but, Inoue, you really need to look where you're going! You could have gotten hurt," Ichigo insisted concernedly.

Orihime just smiled and turned back towards the window she had been focused on before running into Ichigo. "Oh, I know I should… it's just that I had been waving good-bye to Tatsuki-chan. She's heading off to another tournament this weekend; she's missing today's classes to compete for the school."

Ichigo glanced briefly out the window too once he heard this, but all he that could see was the school bus pulling out of the lot. Too late to wish her good luck now, he realized. "Well, Inoue, since you won't be able to pal around with Arisawa this weekend, maybe you'd have some free time? Rukia's visiting her home for the next couple of days, and she wanted to invite you and the rest of our friends to come to a movie marathon."

Rukia came around the corner towards the pair, and overheard the last part of Ichigo's invitation. "Yes, Inoue – it would be so much fun if you could come!"

Orihime grinned back shyly at the eager girl. "Thank you, Kuchiki-san – what movies will you be watching?"

"Star Wars! Ichigo recommended it; I've never seen it. Do you think they are good films?"

Orihime's eyes dilated, and her hands slowly clasped each other. "Star Wars? That's what you're watching?" Suddenly, her small smile stretched all the way across her face, and she began jumping up and down, squealing and hugging herself. "Oh, oh! I love those movies! Of course I'll come! You're watching all of them? Oh, I forgot, of course you are, you said it's a marathon. Oh, oh! I'm so excited! I can't wait for the weekend now! Oh, and I'll bring the cookies!"

"The cookies?" Rukia queried with a bemused look. "I didn't know that cookies are customary during a movie. I thought Ichigo said that people buy popcorn and candy."

"Oh, no, Kuchiki-san, Kurosaki-kun is quite right – but I'm bringing cookies because it's Star Wars. You know – 'Join the dark side, we have cookies?'"

"The dark side?" echoed a now thoroughly confused Rukia.

"Oi, Inoue, she doesn't know about the dark side yet! You're giving it all away!" scowled Ichigo.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to…" Orihime faltered, but brightened up again quickly. "Well, never mind that, Kuchiki-san – but I have to go to class now. Oh, I'm so excited! See you both soon!"

"Well, I guess her response bodes well. In most things besides food, I think that Inoue has excellent taste," Rukia mused. She and Ichigo walked on in silence. After a few moments, a frown slowly settled on her face. "Speaking of food, if she is baking cookies…"

"Then may fate help us all," Ichigo finished Rukia's thought for her.

The next person that Rukia and Ichigo found was Ishida Uryu. He was in the sewing club room, putting the finishing touches on some costume for the school play. They informed him of their weekend plans as he whipped through a hem's last dozen slip stitches.

"I'd love to attend, Kuchiki-san. However, I may not be able to arrive for the beginning – will that be alright with you?" he replied, neatly knotting the ends of the remaining thread.

"Of course, Ishida – but, do you even like this movie? I do not want you to feel obligated to come," Rukia responded politely.

"Certainly, I like Star Wars. It is very aesthetically enjoyable. The sword fighting and martial arts are well done, and the costumes are amazing to look at – well, most of them anyway," he ended lamely, blushing slightly.

Rukia did not know what to make of this. Everyone knew that Uryu was practically a master at costuming and clothes design, and none of his friends would ever question his masculinity for that – so why was he looking so embarrassed? She turned toward Ichigo, but he was just observing the various costumes lying about the room, completely detached from the conversation. She rolled her eyes at him, then faced Uryu with a smile. "I am glad to hear of your high opinion. Well, we better be heading off now – see you later Ishida." She left the room, dragging Ichigo out with her.

As they walked down the hall, she asked Ichigo about what was bothering her. "Ichigo – why was Ishida acting like that?"

Ichigo glanced at her with a bored expression on his face. "Huh? Acting like what?"

"He was saying how much he liked different parts of the movie, but when he mentioned costuming, he started blushing."

"Costuming?" repeated Ichigo softly. Suddenly, he straightened up from his customary slouch and started walking faster. "Oh, probably nothing. Nothing to worry about."

Rukia was not fooled, but decided not to press the matter further. She would find out soon enough, and didn't want to ruin any surprises. But still, she was a little worried. She didn't see how anything that would make Uryu blush could be a good surprise – unless, maybe it was a very girly costume that others would make fun of him for admiring? Like, a pink ballerina outfit with a poufy tu-tu? Or a shimmery fairy costume? But, how could clothes like that be in a movie with sword fighting and martial arts? Not to mention cookies, and a dark side. Did that mean two-toned costumes, or treats with chocolate on only one side? Rukia was beginning to get a very strange feeling about these movies…

The mismatched pair came upon the final person on the invitee list right before school started.

"Oi, Chado!" Ichigo called.

"Sado…" rumbled Yasutora Sado, but he really didn't have his heart in it. By now, he knew persuading Ichigo to address him by his correct name was a lost cause.

"Sure, Chado, Rukia's having a Star Wars movie marathon at her place this weekend. Want to come?"

"All right. But I might not be able to come until the afternoon."

"Oh, okay, Sado," Rukia answered. "If you are too busy, you do not have to come."

"No, I'm not too busy. I'd like to come."

"Oh, you really like Star Wars too, then?"

"Mm-hm." Not nearly as effusive as their other friends, but with Sado, any audible answer at all meant that he was enthusiastic.

"What is the thing you have to do in the morning? Is it anything that I could help you with?" Ichigo asked him. He knew that Sado lived by himself, and that that could bring challenges for even the strongest of people.

"No, just laundry."

Unbidden, the image of Sado washing his distinctive Hawaiin shirts popped into Rukia's head. In her mind's eye, she saw him transfer the colorful shirts into a dryer, but as he pulled out the last one, it transformed into a fluffy pink ballerina that leaped in front of him into a samurai pose and waved a katana in his face. Startled, Sado swung at it with his Brazo Derecho de Gigante, only for it to disappear in a puff of smoke, which mingled with that pouring out of the now demolished clothes washer. Suddenly, Orihime appeared with a plateful of half black, half white cookies, and offered them to Sado in order to cheer him up. He accepted one, but immediately collapsed on the floor once he took a bite. Rukia, who had been giggling, quietly gasped.

Both Ichigo and Sado's heads swung slowly towards her with blank stares. She quickly recovered and confronted them belligerently. "What?"

Ichigo only shook his head, while Sado grunted. "Women," Ichigo muttered.


	3. The Intrusion

Movie Marathon Madness Chapter 3

Hey guys! Here's the next chapter; SkyKhanHunter, Izanagi7, and SuperfluousMan, this is for you guys!

You know, I was wondering, do I make Ichigo sound too girly? I've never written much from the POV of a guy, so I don't know… actually, I think that writing Hitsugaya's dialogue is hardest of all. And he's the youngest and I love his character so much, so I would have thought that it would be easier… did you know, when I first saw him, I thought he was a girl? :D

Back to business:

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach, Star Wars or Star Trek, their respective characters, or anything pertaining to them.

Yes, I did just say Star Trek. Why? You'll have to read and see ;)

There! Please review with any thoughts or ideas you have for the story! Eradona did; Unohana's brainchild actually originated with her. Thanks guys! You are the best!

~ the Kat

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

Bright and early the next morning in the in-between world, Ichigo, Orihime, and Rukia, bearing seven DVDs and a monstrous platter full of cookies, were running for their lives. From a cleaner.

"Every… freakin'… time…" Ichigo growled between gasps for air.

After passing through the entrance gate and catching their breath, the three friends split up to fulfill their pre-movie missions.

Orihime took charge of her enormous cookie platter and trotted off to the Thirteenth Division, waving goodbye. Whistling happily and tunelessly, Orihime happened upon the very person she needed to see. "Ukitake-Taicho! Good morning!"

"Good morning, Inuoe-san," Ukitake Juushiro, Taicho of the Thirteenth Division (which held the notable distinction of being Kuchiki Rukia's division), replied, slowing his pace to match hers. "So, are you here for our Kuchiki's movie marathon? Is there anything you need help finding?"

"Yes! Actually, there is something I wanted to ask you. You see, I made cookies for everyone, but I haven't had time to frost them yet - they're so yummy when they have frosting, you have to try them, Ukitake Taicho! – and I was wondering if it would be okay if I used some of your division's ingredients to make the frosting for them."

Ukitake, who had never been informed of the infamy of Orihime's cooking, smiled down brightly on the eager redhead. "Certainly, Inoue-san. Our division kitchen is that way. You may help yourself to any of our supplies and utensils; I hope that you find everything you need. We are planning on having the marathon at the Kuchiki mansion near Sixth Division, however; you can store your cookies either here or there once you have finished frosting them. I'm sure they will be delicious; I can't wait to try them!"

"Thank you, Ukitake Taicho! I'm so glad! And I'll make sure to save some for you; I never try my cooking beforehand when I'm sharing it with people, but Rukia and Ichigo have already tried one each, and they told me that it was the best of my cooking that they've ever had. And I know that they will be even better with frosting!" Orihime exclaimed.

Ukitake laughed at the girl's enthusiasm. "I'm sure they will be. But if you will excuse me, I must go tell Shunsui about the event."

"Shunsui?"

"Ah, I mean Kyouraku Taicho, of the Eighth Division. I am on my way to inform him now."

"Oh, of course! Thanks for all your help, Ukitake Taicho!" Orihime waved as she and Ukitake parted ways.

As she waltzed into the pantry, Orihime straightaway noticed a large supply of confectioner's suger and some semi-sweet chocolate morsels nearby.

"Powdered suger: check! Chocolate chips to melt and make the frosting dark: check! Now, where's the cream cheese and milk?"

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

Rukia shunpoed over straight to her home, and entered the front door. Running with loud slaps of her sandals on the polished, empty hallways, she deftly made all the necessary turns - left, then right twice, left again, and one more right - to draw up short directly in front of the twin doors leading into her brother's private office. Smoothing her hair back into place – all except for that one strand of hair that kept landing squarely between her eyes, no matter what she did – she took a deep breath, and rapped a short firm staccato.

"Come in," called a deep yet soft voice. The words appeared to be carried out to the petite girl on the beams of sunlight that radiated through the door's paper panels.

Rukia smiled and went through immediately. "Good morning, Nii-sama! Oh, hey, Renji," she added to a spiky-red-haired young man waiting upon the signature of a slightly older, sedate gentleman at a desk with stacks of papers.

Abarai Renji, Sixth Division fukutaicho, scowled as he turned towards Rukia. "Oh, it's you. Of course you show up now. Right after I went through all the paperwork to get approval to travel to the real world deliver an updated soul pager to you there. Of course, no one bothers to tell me that you are due back here today, and that you could pick it up yourself. Especially not you, Rukia," he taunted, drawing his elaborate face tattoos together in a meant-to-be-menacing display of animosity.

Rukia only laughed at him. "Oh, so you missed picking on me so much that you tackled all that extra paperwork in order to see me sooner? Or did you just want to antagonize Ichigo again?"

Renji's scowl grew even deeper. "Like heck I did! All shinigami stationed outside the Soul Society need the latest devices in order to save the most souls from Hollows, and I was the logical choice to send the pager with, since I have the most hours spent in the real world recently besides you. It had nothing to do with wanting to see you or Ichigo."

Rukia scoffed at him playfully. "Ha, Renji, _you_ have a lot of experience in the real world? Your knowledge doesn't even come close to mine! I've been studying the real world for the last few weeks, the lives of mortal adolescents specifically – I've tried video games, and shopping, and lots of other things – have you ever done any of that? And now, we are even going to watch movies!"

Kuchiki Byakuya, Sixth Division Taicho and Rukia's elder brother through his adoption of her, raised his head at this. "We? I thought that you were to stay in Sereitei for the remainder of the weekend."

Rukia turned toward him, bubbling with excitement. "Yes, Nii-sama, but as part of my assignment to educate the Gotei Thirteen about the current state of mortal life, Ukitake Taicho gave permission to hold a movie marathon in Sereitei!"

Renji dropped his belligerent act at this news and leaned forward in curiousity. "Really? I've heard of those! What movies will you be watching?"

"Star Wars! And you and Nii-sama are especially invited! Actually, all of the Gotei Thirteen are welcome for the educational experience, but I wanted to invite you two particularly."

Byakuya looked thoughtful. "Star Wars? Are you sure it isn't actually Star Trek?"

Rukia shook her head emphatically. "No, I'm sure."

Byakuya's eyebrows straightened almost imperceptibly. "Ah, that is good. I have never been fond of Star Trek ever since I caught a glimpse of it on a mortal world mission in the sixties. There was this disturbing character, with dark hair, tall, reserved, and quiet, who rarely let emotion show on his face or in his voice. He possessed a number of strange abilities, and always upheld the ideals of his government. The scene I remember most is one in which he says something about the "good of the many" overriding "the good of the one," or some such nonsense. He was named… oh, I can't recall. But he really grated upon my nerves. I was stationed in the real world with Soi Fon Taicho at the time, and she told me that he reminded her of me. I couldn't see any resemblance."

Renji, from his location behind his Taicho's chair, tried, unsuccessfully, to rein in his laughter with a hand stuffed in his mouth.

Rukia covered for him with a slight cough. "No, Nii-sama, from your description, I do not see any resemblance at all."

"I thought not. Well, with regards to your invitation, I think that our presence at your marathon could be managed."

"Oh, that's wonderful! Especially since Ukitake Taicho requested permission to host the event here."

"What?"

"Well, our home has more space in it than the Thirteenth Division compound – we would only need one large room; the rest of the house would be sectioned off and inaccessible to the movie watchers."

"Hmmm… if Ukitake Taicho requests it, and if we do as you suggest regarding the rest of the mansion, I do not see why not," Byakuya responded levelly. Inside, though, he warmed at observing the happiness this simple acquiescence invoked in Rukia.

"Thank you, Nii-sama! I better let Ichigo and Orihime-chan know right away! Oh, and I must remember to tell Ichigo to inform Ishida and Sado, too. Bye!" she called from her already rapid progress down the hall.

"Wait – Kurosaki is here? And he's coming too?" Byakuya asked himself softly, staring unfocused at the space where Rukia was standing just a second before.

Renji didn't hear him. "Taicho, you said _our_ presence – does that mean that you want me to postpone completing today's paperwork in order to watch this movie marathon?" he asked doubtfully.

"What was that, Renji? Oh. Yes, I do," Byakuya responded thoughtfully. He forced his now slack-jawed fukutaicho to step back as he rose from his desk. "You will attend, Abarai Renji, and you will keep an eye on young Kurosaki, and will prevent him from stirring up any trouble in my mansion, as he invariably does wherever and whenever he sets foot in Sereitei."

"Of course, Taicho. There is nothing I'd rather do," Renji grinned mischievously.

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

Meanwhile, the embodied source of Byakuya's aggravation trudged slowly towards the Fourth Division, hand twitching toward his zanpakuto and a wary eye wide open for any Eleventh Division members. The last thing he wanted today was to be laid up in a sickroom before the movies even started from an unprovoked attack by those battle-crazy monsters, especially their huge fearsome Taicho, Zaraki Kenpachi.

Ichigo still couldn't figure out how to get Zaraki to leave him alone and realize that he did not want a rematch, had never wanted one, and never would as long as his sanity remained. He had tried everything. He had yelled his refusal to fight. He had adopted a policy of running away upon sight or sound of Kenpachi or his perpetual motion machine of a fukutaicho, Kusajishi Yachiru. He had even asked Rukia for help, thinking that her years in the Gotei Thirteen would have given her some experience in reasoning with the berserk man. Ichigo sighed when he remembered that failure. He should have known that Rukia's single method of communicating difficult concepts was to create those juvenile sketches in that ridiculous notebook she seemed able to produce out of her sleeves at the drop of a hat. How she expected that a scrawl of a smiling bunny hopping away in fear from a roaring teddy bear dripping in blood would convince Zaraki to stop bothering him was beyond his comprehension.

Finally, he arrived at the Fourth Division headquarters. He asked one of the healers he found inside which room was Hinamori Momo's, and she pointed him in the right direction, speaking softly, a little in awe of him. Ichigo supposed that he might have become something of a legend in the Fourth Division. He possessed a unique ability to constantly fall down three-quarters dead in the middle of a battle, get right back up, fight some more, then win before succumbing and receiving healing, now seven-eighths dead. After that, he generally defied their orders, snuck out, and battled another enemy days earlier than they told him he would be able to stand. It would make sense that he would become something to be admired and watched, and perhaps a little feared, while inside a hospital.

Ichigo knocked at Momo's door. A gentle voice chimed through the thick wood. "Please come in." Ichigo frowned; it did not sound like Hinamori's voice. He shrugged and pushed open the door anyway.

He found Hinamori sitting down in a cushioned chair, facing Unohana Retsu and Kotetsu Isane, the Taicho and fukutaicho of Fourth Division, respectively. All three women looked at him expectantly. Reflexively, Ichigo backed away. "Sorry about that, I didn't mean to interrupt," he said, heading toward the door. From growing up next to his family's hospital, he knew that it was profoundly rude to intrude upon a patient's privacy during an appointment; they must have thought he was a Fourth Division member when they invited him in.

"Oh, don't worry, Kurosaki-san. I knew that it was you outside the door. We had just finished our little visit with Hinamori-san. You are not interrupting anything," the same sweet voice as Ichigo heard previously assured him. Unohana Taicho beamed at the substitute Shinigami as she finished speaking.

Ichigo smiled back a bit worriedly; it was unsettling that this powerful woman knew so much about him as to recognize his presence and know exactly what he was thinking. He quickly changed the subject. "I just came on an errand for Rukia – the Thirteenth Division is hosting a movie marathon in order for you all to learn about what we mortal teens do in the real world for fun. Rukia wanted to invite you, Hinamori-san, personally."

Hinamori Momo, the slight, bun-haired fukutaicho of the Fifth Division, widened her dark eyes in surprise. "Kuchiki-san wants me to come especially? Oh, how kind of her! I'd love to come! At least, I think that I will be available today," she finished hesitantly, glancing at Unohana and Isane.

Silver-haired Isane grinned right back at her shy fellow fukutaicho. "Well, you certainly have no obligations here. Your health is making excellent progress; a little party with your friends will do you good."

"Speaking of friends, Rukia wanted me to tell you that you can invite whomever you like. The more the merrier, she said."

"Hooray!" cried Hinamori, as she elevated herself from her chair with a little bounce. "I'll go ask Shiro-chan if he would like to come; he could use a break from all his division duties. Really, such a little boy deserves some free time. I'll head over to Tenth Division right now!"

As the remaining trio watched Momo scamper off, Isane chuckled to herself. "It's a good thing Hitsugaya Taicho wasn't here; I don't think that he would have enjoyed hearing himself referred to as a 'little boy.' I sure would have enjoyed watching him hear it, though," she shook her head ruefully, her three thin braids swinging.

Unohana smiled placidly, lowering her chin into the base of her long dark frontal braid. "I don't think it would have been terribly amusing to watch, Isane. After all, Hinamori-san is a privileged individual, as far as Hitsugaya-kun goes; she is like family to him." She raised her head and looked Ichigo in the eye. "What exactly are these movies that are to be shown in the marathon? I do not recall you mentioning them."

"Oh, Star Wars, Unohana Taicho. They're really good. I think Hinamori-san will like them," Ichigo replied respectfully. The women seemed to inspire that emotion quite frequently in him and most of the inhabitants of the Sereitei.

"I am glad to hear it. I was sure that you would have informed me if they could contain anything offensive or upsetting to Hinamori-san," she replied gently, but with a heavier undertone that was not lost on Ichigo.

"Uh, well, there is a lot of fighting, sword fighting in fact, but nothing that a fukutaicho hasn't experienced often enough already. And no blood, actually! So it's a lot better than what you guys see every day," Ichigo said cheerily, if a bit forcedly.

Isane looked mystified. "Lots of sword fighting, but no blood? How is that possible?"

"Oh, the swords are a special type of weapon, called lightsabers. They cauterize wounds as they cut, in general. There's only one case where they don't, in the fourth movie. But for the rest, it's pretty bloodless – even when an enemy is sliced in half at the midsection, there's no bleeding," Ichigo explained, recalling Darth Maul's demise at the end of the first film.

"Oh, really?" That was all that Unohana Taicho said aloud, but inside her head, age-old wheels were turning. A weapon that cauterized wounds – even ones as deep as to penetrate the entire torso - that would be a lifesaver in the Sereitei, quite literally! If she could convince Kurotsuchi Mayuri, the Twelfth Division Taicho and the head of the Gotei Thirteen research and development, to work on this, she could only imagine how many fatal injuries could be averted. And if they could be produced in different styles, as she had every confidence that Kurotsuchi Taicho could accomplish if he was motivated properly, perhaps they could secretly replace Zaraki Taicho's zanpakuto with one – he did not even know its name or how to communicate with it, so as long as it actually cut something, he probably wouldn't notice or care about the difference. That would wipe out a significant portion of the Eleventh Division sparring practice patients her division had to treat regularly. Unfortunately, as all these revolutionary ideas were being mulled over, poor Unohana Taicho had no way of realizing that Star Wars was actually a fantasy series and lightsabers currently a product of science fiction, and Ichigo had no inkling of the lofty but groundless plans his words had just engendered.

The oblivious teenager turned to leave. "Well, I hope that you two can make it to the marathon also. I'm sure that you and your division deserve some relaxation just as much as Hinamori-san and Toshiro. Now that I've passed on the message, I better head back to the Thirteenth Division. Rukia's supposed to meet us there and let us know where the marathon will be exactly, and Inoue should already be there frosting her cookies."

Unohana and Isane froze. As both officers of the healing division and friends of Rukia and Renji, they had heard some tales of Orihime's cooking before. "Did you just say Inoue-san brought cookies?" Isane asked cautiously.

"Yeah... oh, don't worry, Inoue made Rukia and me try them before we headed down here. Inoue said that she and Tatsuki made up the recipe especially for baking when watching Star Wars; she calls them 'dark side cookies.' They're just dark chocolate cookies; they're actually really good. I think that maybe Inoue is finally learning to cook like a normal person."

"Oh, really?" Unohana said for the second time in as many minutes, raising one eyebrow skeptically.

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

Meanwhile, back at the Thirteenth Division, Orihime found herself in a bit of a quandary.

"Hmmm… well, there's plenty of milk, but I can't seem to find cream cheese anywhere," she sighed as she peered into the oversized refrigerator fruitlessly. "No butter, either. Sour cream or yogurt would be next on my list of cream cheese substitutes, but they seem fresh out of those, too. Huh, for a division that's so short on dairy products, they sure have a lot of candy – I saw at least three big bags full of all different kinds right beside the chocolate chips. I wonder if Ukitake Taicho knows about that? Oh, but that's not important right now! I need to make my frosting! What to do, what to do?"

She scanned the kitchen shelves, tapping her lip with her index finger, thinking furiously. She had plenty of experience in dilemmas like this; when living on a minimal budget as she did, one learned to make do with what came cheapest. With this limitation and her active imagination, Orihime's circumstances spawned some very creative recipes. "Well, basically, I need cream cheese to make the frosting creamy or paste-like; therefore, I should use something that's creamy or pasty!" Her eyes lit up. "Bean paste! Of course! I love cooking with bean paste! I've never tried it in frosting, though."

She hummed to herself as she mixed it in with the other ingredients. She allowed her thoughts to ramble subconsciously, as they usually did when she let herself relax and enter into a manual task. "Cream cheese, bean paste. They should be good substitutes. After all, cream cheese, as well as butter and sour cream and yogurt, all come from cow's milk. And cows eat and make milk from grass and legumes, don't they? And beans are a type of legume, right? I wonder why I never thought of that before," she mused idly. However, a new problem interrupted the rhythm of her work. "Oh no! There's not enough bean paste for all this frosting! Maybe there's another container here?"

She rushed back to the shelves, but for the life of her could not locate another bean paste jar. After a long search, she decided upon the closest food item she could find. "Well, fish paste is paste too, I guess… hopefully it will not be too different. I only need to add a little bit after all. But there goes all my nice food symmetry! I'm pretty sure that no cow has ever eaten a fish…"

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

"Yeah, I wouldn't worry about the cookies, if I were you," Ichigo affirmed.

Isane giggled nervously. "Okay, that's good to know, Kurosaki-san. I'm sure that I'll look forward to eating some if I have time today to drop by."

Unohana Taicho smiled benignly. "I'm sure Isane will love them, just as long as they don't have any fish –"

"Don't say it!" Isane shrieked suddenly, unable to bear even the spoken name of her greatest fear.

"Paste," Unohana Retsu ended in a whisper to Ichigo.

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

Hinamori Momo knocked on the door to the Tenth Division's office.

"Come in!" said a gruff but surprisingly young-sounding voice.

"Good morning, Shiro-chan!"

Without looking at the door, a pure white – haired small boy yelled reflexively, "It's Hitsugaya Taicho to you! Don't call me Shir- oh, it's you, Hinamori. Good to see you. How are you today?"

"I'm feeling very well, thank you, Shiro-chan."

Hitsugaya Toshiro, Tenth Division Taicho, peered at Hinamori observantly. "Good. You look better. Well, what did you come all this way for? Surely it wasn't just to say hello. Did you need to ask me something?"

"Actually, Shiro-chan, I wanted to ask if you were busy today."

"Of course I can help you with anything if you need me."

"Oh, I don't need help – it's just that the Thirteenth Division is having a demonstration of a real-world activity called a movie marathon – it's supposed to be a lot of fun. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me."

"Ah… well, Hinamori, actually, I really do have a lot of paperwork. So I'm sorry, not right now. But maybe, if I can FINISH all this PAPERWORK" - this last comment was directed at the back of a certain flowing orange hair-covered head, that reflexively ducked back over her desk - "then maybe I can join you there later. Is that alright?"

"Of course, Shiro-chan!"

"Good. And, maybe if you don't mind, you could try to convince my fukutaicho to attend the event. However, you should let her know that she's not allowed to go until she FINISHES all her PAPERWORK for today."

"Sure thing, Shiro-chan."

"Alright then. I need to go get something; I'll be right back." Hitsugaya Taicho rose from his desk and left the office.

Hinamori wandered across the office to stand behind the beautiful Tenth Division fukutaicho, Matsumoto Rangiku. She could hear Matsumoto muttering indistinctly as she crouched over and manipulated something upon her desk, but Hinamori could only pick up on a few words, "get him back" and "serve him right" among them, and "stupid paperwork" most often of all. "What are you doing, Rangiku-san?"

"Eep!" squealed the fukutaicho, quickly stuffing a long can down her shihakusho. Hinamori caught the words "Men's Formula – Double Strength!" on the label before it disappeared below Matsumoto's neckline. "You scared me, Momo-chan!"

"Why do you have men's shaving cream in the office?" Hinamori peered curiously over Rangiku's shoulder at the top of the desk. "And aren't those Shiro-chan's socks?"

"Aw, darn!"

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

"I'll insert the disc for Ukitake Taicho!"

"No, _I'll_ insert the disc!"

"No, Kiyone, I know he'd want me to do it!"

"But I can do it better than you, Sentaro!"

"Okay, hold it!" Ichigo interrupted the bickering Thirteenth Division Third Seat duo. Everyone stopped all conversations immediately. Ichigo was a bit surprised, but then realized that he was grasping his zanpakuto by the hilt. It was sheer force of habit now when shouting at Shinigami. He silently reminded himself to employ this in future arguments, but removed his fingers from Zangetsu for the time being. "Before we all start watching, we need to decide on some rules."

"Rules?" Renji asked wonderingly. "You mean, for something you do on your free time, you have to obey more rules? How lame is that! That's like saying there are rules when you spar for practice!"

"Wow, Renji. I'm beginning to understand more and more how well you fit in with the Eleventh Division. But that aside, yes, there are some basic rules when you go to the movies in the mortal world. More like etiquette, actually. No cell phones ringing, for instance…"

Ukitake Taicho and Kuchiki Taicho surreptitiously placed their hands into their respective sleeves and fiddled around. A small "beep" came out of apparently their elbows. Then they turned to face Kyouraku Taicho.

"What? You think I actually carry that on me at all times? I started leaving my pager with Nanao centuries ago. My sweet fukutaicho finds me without fail as soon as I get into the swing of a drinking party, and any orders for me invariably come when I'm having a good time, so it's inevitable that my soul pager will be nearby when I actually need to hear it. I have a cursed fate…"

"O-kay, now that that's taken care of, on to the other rules," Ichigo ignored Kyouraku Taicho's lamentations. "Generally, talking during movies is discouraged. But it's not rude if you talk with your friends quietly about the movie a little bit. When you're at home watching a movie with friends however, you can set up the rules yourself. Like girls singing every single song out loud in a musical, for instance; that's popular at girl slumber parties, but definitely not allowed in a movie theater."

The three taichos and one fukutaicho turned to him as one when Ichigo let this slip. "Oh really, Kurosaki-kun, and how are you so well-versed on the customs of overnight all-female parties?" Kyouraku Taicho queried teasingly. Even Ukitake grinned a little at this comment; Renji smiled ferally, and Byakuya just stared at him slightly-wide eyed, but his face started becoming colder and colder…

Ichigo gulped. "I'm not. But Arisawa and Inoue told me about their sleepovers. I would never dream of…"

Kyouraku, Ukitake, and Renji burst out laughing. Byakuya smirked a little bit, but his eyes still looked a little dilated. Ichigo made a mental note to watch what he said closer around those four, Byakuya especially. He did not want to find out how scratch-resistant his DVDs were when confronted by an avalanche of blade-sharp sakura blossoms.

"Anyway, along with that comes the decision about pausing. If we decide to allow discussion of the movie, we might want to stop it for a minute so that no one misses anything, or even rewind if something is confusing. Of course, this isn't even possible in a movie theater, but at home it's no problem. What do you guys want to do?"

"Well, we want this to be an educational experience, so what would a normal teenager do?" Ukitake asked.

"Huh, well, if you argue that I'm normal, which is kinda a large leap in logic, then I guess I'd go with the discussion and pausing allowed option. That's what I always did at home, watching movies with my family. And even when I saw the third episode of Star Wars in theaters for the third time with Kiego and Mizuro, we made fun of the movie together; very quietly, of course."

"You made fun of it? I thought you said you liked this movie! And three times, Ichigo! I thought these movie tickets were expensive!" Rukia harangued him.

"I do like the movie! But that's the mark of a real piece of art, that it can survive being laughed at. Some parts are a little silly, but it's still a great film. And it was my birthday, okay? I was turning sixteen, it had been out for two months, and I wanted to do something fun with my guy friends. And the expense was worth it – I want to support good movies! That's how more of them are made!"

"What! You told me the guy who is responsible for Star Wars is one of the richest people in the mortal world! How is your monetary support even going to be distinguishable?"

"Be quiet!" Ichigo bellowed, reaching for Zangetsu over his shoulder.

But Rukia was not phased in the least. "And all the times you laugh behind my back for buying Chappy stationary and collectibles – don't think I haven't noticed! You're such a hypocrite Ichigo!"

Poor Ichigo was cowed by Rukia's explosion. Mercifully, Kyouraku Taicho stepped in to deflect Rukia's attention. "I think that's a good idea too – about talking and stopping the movie. After all, we old Taichos are not as well-versed in the current mortal trends – there might be some things that the film takes for granted as common knowledge that will go right over our heads. Heh, even some things that my sweet Nanao expects me to have understood practically since birth constantly surprise me. Like the concept of substance-free housing."

Kuchiki Taicho felt the time for his input had arrived. "I agree with Kyouraku Taicho – but talking during the movie should be prohibited. Explanations while the film is paused are all very well, but conversation while the movie is playing out will lead to disorderliness," he murmured.

Ichigo just stared at him. He could never quite wrap his head around how Byakuya could mumble so quietly, but still everyone could understand every word he said. It must be his enunciation. A lot of the popular actors could take lessons from him, Ichigo mused.

"It's settled then!" Ukitake proclaimed brightly. "We'll pause the movie when we have a question or comment. Let's begin!"

"Yay!" cheered Orihime and Momo from the floor, a bowl of popcorn and chocolate candies beside them. The entire thirteenth division with assorted other officers settled in expectantly.

"Alright, here it goes!" declared Sentaro, moving the disc towards the DVD player with a flourish.

"Not so fast!" shouted Kiyone, who deftly placed her finger in the disc's hole and flicked it towards the player. The disc spun out like a Frisbee.

"Nooo!" Ichigo cried out in apprehension. Visions of his precious DVD shattering, followed by the loud explosions of both the DVD player and the oversized Sereitei-issue communication screen it was hooked up to, danced before his eyes.

With a gentle "plop," the DVD entered the front loading slot of the player, and the screen flickered to life.

"Ha! I'm so good!" crowed Kiyone.


	4. Episode 1: The Phantom Marathon

Hey guys! Sorry it's taken me so long to reveal the further madness and mayhem happening in Sereitei. I've had four projects / reports due in the past week, on… stuff that isn't important right now. You want to read the story, right? It's extra extra long this time! And Thunder Claw03, SkyKhanHunter, SuperfluousMan, and Izanagi7, this is for you! Thank you for reviewing!

Before I continue, I thought I'd tell you that many of the things the humans mention doing in relation to Star Wars are things I have done also, except for an actual marathon and eating Dark Side Cookies. Though the latter sounds kinda fun. But I don't have easy access to an oven, so maybe I'd have to tweak my No-Bake-Cookies (a delicious mixture of peanut butter, instant breakfast drink mix, water, and raw oatmeal) by adding instant coffee to make them dark… I think Orihime-chan would be proud of me. I guess peanut butter is my version of bean paste?

Regardless, here's the beginning of the actual marathon chaos! Please tell me what you think of it, and as always, be assured that

Disclaimer: I do not own Fox, or Bleach or Star Wars, their respective characters, or anything pertaining to them.

The lines bolded and italicized come from the Star Wars movies (and some may be inexact), so I don't own them either.

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

The golden Fox logo shimmered gently on the spacious communication screen as invisible trumpets blasted a fanfare from the back corners of the room. As the screen faded to black, Ichigo sent a quick glance around the assembly, recording in his memory the rapt gazes of his friends waiting with bated breath for their first glimpse into another world. Renji was so engrossed that he left his mouth hanging open slightly; Ichigo hoped that Rukia noticed before he closed it.

_**A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…**_

The immortal John Williams music carried the scrolling story background towards the thrilled audience. Ichigo whispered the familiar words to himself softly.

"Oi, Ichigo! Can't you read without saying the words aloud?" Rukia nudged him in the ribs forcefully.

Ichigo bent forward protectively. "I always read the Star Wars scrawls out loud; it's a tradition." He looked a little embarrassed.

Orihime giggled. "Haha, I do that too!"

The Shinigami watched the landing of the ambassadors without comment. When they first heard Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi's conversation, Kiyone and Sentaro started arguing.

"Obi-Wan? Qui-Gon? What kind of names are those? Are they from China?" Sentaro wondered aloud.

"How can you even ask that! Of course they're not! Look at them! Look at their eyes! Look at their hair! Look at their big boots!" Kiyone berated him scornfully.

"What do boots have to do with it? You can be Chinese and wear boots!" Sentaro objected indignantly.

"They can, but they don't. Have you ever seen Chinese people with big boots like that?" Kiyone retorted.

Ichigo, who was perfectly willing to clear up any relevant questions about the movie, did not even bother to interrupt, let alone try to comprehend this senseless discussion.

"Please, Third Seats," Ukitake Taicho warned them patiently.

The movie watching continued without incident until the Neimiodian Trade Federation leaders began deciding what to do with the unwanted Jedi. As they spoke, Hinamori Momo gasped.

"Oh, their poor faces! They're so stiff! It looks painful for them to move," she said sympathetically.

"They're just beginning with the special effects and animation and stuff. It'll get better."

"Special effects? You mean to say, Kurosaki, that this film is not about actual events?" Byakuya asked, realization dawning.

"Of course not!" Ichigo and Orihime answered as one.

"Ohhh!" This response of understanding was echoed around the entire room.

"What are you saying? Do you mean that you were perfectly okay with a interplanetary government, common trade between different worlds with aliens, and a Force that lets you sense the future, but not with stiff faces? Come on!" Ichigo threw up his hands in disbelief.

"Well, you must admit, we've all seen stranger things," Kyouraku Taicho noted.

Ichigo glanced around at all his (undeniably dead) friends. "Yeah, you've got a point," he acknowledged.

"We're missing the movie!" Rukia whined.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll rewind it," Renji grumbled. He stabbed at the DVD player with Zabimaru until he hit the correct button.

They were only able to last a grand total of about five minutes before another interruption.

"Ah! That woman with the painted face looks so scary! Is she the bad guy?" shouted Kotetsu Kiyone.

Ichigo leaned over and poked the "pause" button with Zangetsu's tip. The image of Queen Amidala's pale dispassionate visage froze upon the screen.

"No, she's not the bad guy. She's just a queen; you'll figure out more about the paint later." Suddenly, Ichigo threw his hands wide in frustration. "That's something I don't understand about you guys! How can you think that things like this are strange or creepy, while you don't even bat an eyelash at the monstrosities you deal with on a daily basis! Mayuri, for instance!"

"Ow," complained Orihime, rubbing her shoulder after its impact with one of Ichigo's carelessly flung hands. "You shouldn't say things like that about people, Kurosaki-kun! What is wrong with Kurotsuchi Taicho?"

"Sorry, Inoue," apologized Ichigo humbly. After a slight pause, he recovered his earlier indignation. "But there is plenty wrong with him! He paints that creepy clown-mask on his face, he orders his own daughter to put herself in harm's way just to give him an advantage in battle, and he wanted to experiment on Ishida!"

"Oh, glad to know that I made such a strong impression on you," commented Kurotsuchi Mayuri, the Twelfth Division Taicho himself.

"Aah! When did you get here?" Ichigo yelped, jumping slightly from his cushion on the floor.

"Just in time to hear you label me a monstrosity," he replied wryly. He walked further into the room, followed by Kurotsuchi Nemu, fukutaicho of Twelfth Division and his (female and infinitely prettier) clone.

"Why are you here, Kurotsuchi Taicho?" Ukitake Taicho asked curiously. He had not thought the head of research and development to be one of the most probably attendees, considering his already extensive access to current information in the mortal world and his perpetual indifference to what most other Shinigami would consider fun.

"I've come to gather data on the device called the lightsaber," Kurotsuchi explained calmly.

"Well, you'll have to wait until we get a scene with them in it." Ichigo smirked at the Taicho. "I wouldn't have thought you'd be interested in those. Don't you already have plenty of ways to cut people open in those torture chambers of yours?"

Kurotsuchi Mayuri grinned back at him evilly. "If you think that they are torture chambers, I am perfectly willing to guide you on a personal tour of all the public levels of my laboratory at your convenience. If you believe you can stomach it. However, regarding these human devices I have come to study, you are quite correct, I really am not at all interested in them," he answered honestly. "I am researching them at Unohana Taicho's request."

"Really? Why would she want to know more about them? And why would you spend your time doing research for her?" Hinamori pondered aloud.

Kurotsuchi Taicho glanced down ruefully. "She can be very persuasive."

_Earlier that day, as soon as Ichigo had taken his leave of the Fourth Division, Unohana Taicho turned to her fukutaicho. "Isane, I will be visiting Twelfth Division briefly. Please continue with your duties and tell anyone who needs me that I shall return very soon."_

"_Of course__, Taicho," Isane answered with a note of curiosity in her voice. However, she knew better than to meddle in affairs that her Taicho wished to keep private for the time being. _

"_Thank you, Isane. I know I can count on you."_

_Unohana walked to Twelfth Division, her long strides so graceful and effortless that it made it look like she was simply gliding along the ground. Instead of using shunpo, she decided to employ the additional time spent walking to carefully review her intended course of action. Her success depended upon convincing Kurotsuchi Taicho that researching these lightsabers was in his best interest. Therefore, it was no mission for a hell butterfly courier; she would have to see this through in person. If he showed any predisposition to take up the project for his own reasons, then it would be simple to suggest some additional modifications that would benefit her line of work. If, however, he did not appear to think the creation of these lightsabers a worthy use of his time and manpower, as she thought to be the more likely case, she would have to invent some motivation to change his mind. Fortunately, she thought she had just the thing. _

_Upon arriving at the headquarters of Research and Development, Unohana Taicho immediately made her way to the desk of Tsubokura Rin. She preferred dealing with the young man over many of the other division members; though slightly unfocused and entirely too preoccupied with sweets, he had less bizarre behavior than most of his associates and was at least humanoid. Also, he somehow reminded her of her own cheerful and uplifting Seventh Seat, Yamada Hanatoro._

"_Good morning, Rin," Unohana greeted him softly. "Is it possible for me to speak with your taicho briefly? It is urgent."_

"_Y-yes__, Unohana Taicho!" stammered Rin. "One moment, please!" He got up and wandered towards a door further back in the room. Unohana navigated past the rows of computers and technological devices and silently followed him through several succeeding rooms. He never perceived her trailing him as he progressed further into the secrets of the Twelfth Division._

_At the entrance of a dark, narrow side laboratory, Rin reported, "Unohana Taicho wishes to speak with you, Kurotsuchi Taicho!" _

_Kurotsuchi Mayuri grimaced, looking over Rin's head. "And I see that you've accidentally brought her with you, as usual," he noted, meeting her amused eyes. Walking into the better-lighted room where the two were standing, he said, "Really, Unohana Taicho, you could have waited in the main office. You know very well that I do not invite members of other divisions this far into my laboratories, and you do not have to prove your spying skills to anyone."_

"_If I never use them, I will get out of practice, and then where would I be?" she responded lightly. "And I did not feel like waiting. I have an important matter I would like to discuss with you as soon as possible."_

"_Aha. I see. Thank you, Rin," Kurotsuchi turned abruptly to his subordinate. "That will be all."_

"_O-of course__, Taicho." Rin bowed and left._

"_Now, what exactly did you want to speak with me about?"_

_Unohana went straight to the point. "I have been informed of an item of mortal technology called a lightsaber. It is a weapon that cauterizes wounds as it cuts. Even deep ones. I wish for you to make this technology feasible in the Soul Society."_

_Kurotsuchi laughed. "Why would I do that? If it is already in production in the mortal market, why not get that bootleg shopkeeper Urahara to supply it for you? He could make the necessary modifications himself. What pride would there be in adapting something already created?"_

"_I thought I'd ask you first. You are here in the Sereitei, and a member of the Gotei Thirteen; you would be a more dependable source of new technology for use in the Soul Society." That was probably true, with how Urahara Kisuke was located in the real world and could not test his products' performance in the Soul Society. Also, he kept his own interest closest to heart without informing others of how that could affect their plans; past events had proved that. However, Unohana did not see the necessity of telling Kurotsuchi the biggest point in his favor: the low budget surplus of the Fourth Division. She could hardly spare her allocation for new technology on this, but if she manipulated Twelfth Division into making working prototypes and requested that the Fourth Division be allowed to appropriate and distribute them, then she would be saving a great deal of her resources. "Also, there are some special modifications that I was hoping that you could complete for me. They do not have these in the real world; I have seen some images of what they have available there." This was also true. She had checked pictures of lightsabers on the mortal web connection, small and grainy ones to be sure, but they all had a basic design of a small round metallic handle with a plain round tapered, shining blade. If she wanted to switch Kenpachi Zaraki's zanpakuto with a lightsaber, she would need one to look very different._

"_Well, isn't that nice? I still don't see why I should bother though. I have so many other, more pressing technologies to research. What does it matter if it cauterizes wounds? The purpose of a sword is to cut things. Who cares how much blood is lost afterwards?"_

_This might be quite logical reasoning for a researcher who wanted to maintain the original state of the material being cut, but it was not the correct thing to say to a healer. Unohana was livid. But, being herself, she did not choose to divulge it. Assuming a casual tone, she replied, "Oh, that's too bad. I did not want to have to address the true source of some small recent breakthroughs; the improvement of Gentei Kaijo for mortal world – stationed Shinigami, for instance. But if the Twelfth Division is no longer concerned with devoting a part of its time toward progress in the medical sciences, then perhaps it is time that the Fourth Division started conducting and taking credit for its own research."_

_Kurotuschi gazed at her nervously. "You wouldn't! Who would listen to a claim made by Fourth Division regarding research, which is clearly our territory?" _

_Unohana tilted her chin up, fixing him with a supercilious glance. "Oh, I think many people would. Please consider carefully. I have been immersed in the intensive study of Shinigami physiology for centuries. I have a reputation for discerning things relating to reiatsu and the body that are out of place, such as in the incident of Aizen's zanpakuto. It will not come as a surprise that I have made one or two discoveries regarding my own particular field of knowledge, especially once I inform the Soutaicho and the rest of the Gotei Thirteen of the true origin of several devices and theories claimed by the department of Research and Development. Besides, who really thought that little Rin actually came up with the improved Gentei Kaijo while stationed among a whole world of sweets?" _

"_Oh, very well, I will see what I can do about those lightsabers," he finally retorted. Grumpily, he shuffled back towards the inner room. Pausing in the open doorway, he turned back to face her. "You are an evil woman. Did you know that, Unohana?"_

_Unohana's lips twitched, but not a muscle more moved. "Oh, I am quite aware of that. Whenever my high-level kido is needed to restore someone back to their original state, I can sense that thought radiating from my patient very well. Not least from you, young Mayuri. But for some reason, it does not make me inclined to hold back my efforts to heal the patient, however strong the pain it may inflict. And I believe it would be 'Unohana Taicho' to you."_

_Kurotsuchi shuddered and quickly closed the door behind himself._

"Yes, very persuasive," he muttered again to himself darkly. "No matter. Now that I am here, I suppose that I will have to just wait until I can gather data from a recording of these lightsabers. Sit down, Nemu," he ordered his daughter-clone, while lowering himself upon a cushion at the very front of the room.

Nemu silently complied, seating herself on an open cushion behind him next to Hinamori. Said girl flashed a quick smile at Nemu. "I think that you'll like this movie, Nemu-san!" Hinamori whispered. Nemu gave her a faint smile in return; her eyes did look happier though.

"Finally!" Renji snorted, feeling around his cushion for Zabimaru. Upon discovering that Nemu was accidentally sitting on it, he grabbed Rukia's zanpakuto and poked the "play" button. As the movie resumed, Rukia snatched back Sode no Shirayuki and hit him with it. Renji just rubbed his side and whispered to her, "No matter what Ichigo says, if this queen starts talking in Kurotsuchi Taicho's voice, I'm leaving. No one should have to put up with two clown-creeps."

"I heard that," Kurotsuchi Mayuri stated blandly.

The extended group sat through the arrival of the Jedi on Naboo, and the introduction of the clumsy but loveable Jar-Jar Binks. Ichigo had hoped that this often-despised character would not grate too roughly on the sensibilities of the (relatively) older members of the audience, and was gratified to see an almost suppressed grin twitching at the corner's of Byakuya's mouth when Jar-Jar's antics were at their funniest. He tucked the new information regarding the existence of Byakuya's sense of humor away in his head for future reference.

The panorama of the Gungan's underwater city brought many gasps of awe. Ichigo cringed when he saw Kurotsuchi narrow his eyes at the gelatinous walls and start brainstorming, but forced himself to relax, thinking that it would be difficult to misuse such a harmless substance. His fears returned when overheard Orihime naively remark how cute a model city like that would look in that magnificent pond she had noticed on the way to the Thirteenth Division. It seemed too much to hope for that the blame for the disturbance or even destruction of Ukitake's prize koi's habitat would not be pinned on his shoulders.

Fortunately, the Jedi's journey in the bongo distracted the mad scientist as well as the rest of the Shinigami.

"Through the planet core? But aren't worlds just spheres made of solid rock? How else could the ground be held up?" Hinamori wondered.

"I was certain that the world is flat," Byakuya stated thoughtfully.

"Um, actually…" Orihime, who, despite her ditsy façade, was actually among the top of her class even above Ichigo, tried to explain. But her hesitancy to make her friends feel ignorant made her quiet voice fall unheard.

"No, Taicho, it's held on the back of a giant tortoise! I saw an exhibit in the real world that said so," Renji declared.

"Are you sure it wasn't a whale?" queried Kyouraku Taicho.

"I find that less believable than a hollow ball filled with water. I think I'd rather trust the movie than those stories," Rukia decided.

"Well said, Rukia," Ukitake Taicho said encouragingly.

"I thought the same thing as Rukia-san, Taicho, but I just didn't want to interrupt the movie."

"Whatever, Sentaro! I thought the exact same thing before you did!"

"You did not, Kiyone!"

"Did too!"

"Silence, you fools! No matter what this Naboo planet is like, the real world is filled with molten rock on the inside! Have you not paid attention to a single scientific advancement in the past millennium?" raged Kurotsuchi Taicho.

Orihime and Ichigo had nothing to add to that.

After that outburst, the Shinigami and appended human viewers watched the fall of Theed and the rescue of the Queen in silence. All except for Kurotsuchi Taicho. He muttered to himself throughout the deft swordsmanship display of the Jedi. As they fled with the Queen's retinue to Tatooine, his words became more comprehensible. "Hmmm… I wonder… with a radius that large, in order to pass through, it must melt the material it slices. It must use heat. Yes, that would make sense with the cauterizing ability. However, if those machines are composed of a titanium-steel alloy, as they appear to be… then the melting point must be well over six hundred degrees. Nearer to eight hundred, probably. There is no way that those men could keep their hands so close to such high temperature devices."

"Perhaps the radii of the blades are not as wide as they appear, and the surrounding glow is merely a light distortion?" his placid fukutaicho suggested helpfully.

"Hmm? Yes, perhaps you are right, Nemu. Then the cauterizing ability must arise from something else… this will take longer than I thought. Darn you, Unohana Taicho!"

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

_**You're a slave?**_

_**I'm a person, and my name is Anakin!**_

Orihime smiled fondly at this scene, particularly at the eager child's confusion regarding angels. Ichigo, however, saw thoughtful frowns settle upon the Shinigami's faces at those lines. None voiced their concerns aloud until the Skywalker family and their guests began discussing the same topic together in their desert hovel.

"I think I need to understand this concept better, Kurosaki-kun. What do they mean, they are slaves?" Ukitake Taicho broached the discussion.

Ichigo reached for Zangetsu to prod the DVD player into pausing, but Byakuya, who had been observing him and Renji carefully when they had stopped the movie before, raised a hand to prevent him. "Allow me." He grasped Sebonzakura firmly as a breeze carrying ruffled sakura petals began drifting gently about him.

Once he was satisfied that the petals were not about to be turned loose upon him for some unannounced and (probably) unjustified reason, Ichigo responded to the Thirteenth Division Taicho. "They mean that they are treated as property by other creatures. They have no rights. They wish for Qui-Gon Jinn to free them so that they may live with rights and no longer be bought and sold."

Rukia was brimming with indignation. "Of course he should! I would have if I had been there. It would be the only right thing to do. What could prevent him from fulfilling his duty to uphold justice?"

… _**they blow you up! BOOM!**_

As little Anakin slapped his hands on the dinner table to emphasize his relation of the escapee's fate, Byakuya finally succeeded in pausing the film with a single quivering petal. He withdrew the remaining sakura blossoms back into the katana form of his zanpakuto Sebonzakura as a heavy silence fell among the Shinigami.

Ichigo thought this was as good a time as any to press a point he had long thought over. "It really isn't that different in the seedy outer districts of the Rukongai, you know. The living conditions there might even be worse. Maybe people aren't bought and sold, I don't know, but just like there, you are in danger of your life if you don't find a way to beat the system and escape. And if you're caught…"

Rukia, Renji, and Momo Hinamori shivered, eyes downcast.

Kyouraku Taicho tried to explain things to Ichigo gently. "We know about the conditions there, Kurosaki-kun. We do the best we can. But there simply aren't enough of us. And many of the people there are not powerful enough and do not last long enough to join us in improving the situation. We are here to maintain a balance, Kurosaki Ichigo. While we do not hold back in our striving to tip the balance on the side of good, we know that we are doing well when we can maintain the foothold we have. Most of the time, that is all that is possible."

Rukia looked him in the eye. "Truly, Ichigo, when we are not occupied in fighting to preserve our whole plane of existence, we do help them, more than you can see at first glance. They are not alone."

Ichigo smiled at her. "That's all I needed to hear."

Kurotsuchi Taicho snorted at the display of sentimentality for the less fortunate. "And that is more than I cared to hear. Please, can we continue so that I can gain more data?"

Nemu silently leaned over and prodded the play button.

_**How wude!**_ said Jar-Jar Binks.

The group was noticeably more somber as the rest of the scene played out. Ichigo glanced at the back of an oblivious Rukia's head when the exuberant Anakin selflessly offered to race for the Queen's escape. She's just like him, he thought, smiling fondly at her; she'd never fail to place her life on the line for the wellbeing of another defenseless being, whether friend or stranger, without a second thought.

Ichigo began to be worried that the Shinigami would never be roused from their gloom regarding the repression in Tatooine and the all-too-real Rukongai, but a surprising source of relief arrived in the form of the charismatic but introverted Shmi Skywalker, Anakin's loving mother.

_**There was no father**_, she informed the astounded Qui-Gon Jinn softly.

The Shinigami raised their eyebrows in surprise at this revelation, but one at least for an entirely different reason.

"Why does that woman say that so strangely? Many children have no father. I have none," Rukia interjected, turning to her two human friends.

Ichigo decided to let Orihime handle that one. But he was in for a shock when she simply said lightly, "I don't know, Kuchiki-san. I always wondered that myself."

Ichigo didn't realize anyone could have missed this important connection. He explained carefully, "She means there never was one– not even from the beginning. She's saying that Anakin is a living, breathing biological contradiction."

"Since when have you become an expert on biology, Ichigo?" Renji said challengingly.

Ichigo felt pinned by the still uncomprehending gazes of three of his closest friends. He knew the three teenagers had basically raised themselves from a young age and thus might have missed some parental guidance, but he had had no idea that something like this could come up, while watching Star Wars, of all things. "Uh, no, I'm not an expert, not by a long shot, but uh…" He trailed off lamely, speechless.

He glanced desperately around the room, fishing for assistance on this sticky topic. Hinamori Momo, a considerate and relatively level-headed girl and therefore his first choice, was covering her mouth with her hand, shaking slightly, and had no intention of masking her mirth at his discomfiture to bother save him. Byakuya, Rukia's elder brother, Renji's Taicho and a previously married man and therefore the next qualified to handle this problem, absorbed himself in scrutinizing a potted bamboo shoot residing in the further corner of the room, a faint hint of a blush on his normally pale face. Nemu just returned his gaze with the same blankness as Orihime, Rukia, and Renji; Ichigo made a conscious decision to not even ask himself if she also had no idea what he was talking about. Her pseudo-father, Kurotsuchi Taicho, rolled his eyes in an expression of disgust at the constant interruptions to his intended research, obviously holding no interest in the conversation at all. Kyouraku Taicho simply grinned at the stammering Ichigo; Ichigo stopped silently beseeching his help almost instantaneously. Finally, Ukitake Taicho took pity on the overwhelmed boy.

"One cannot obtain an infant without both a mother and father being present to mix the DNA. It simply is not… allowed," he said slowly.

Rukia cocked her head at him. "Obtain, Taicho?" From her tone, it appeared that she had never given this matter much thought before, but began to take an interest in it now. Ichigo gulped.

"From the baby store," Kyouraku Taicho stated with a straight face.

The three friends appeared somewhat skeptical of this piece of information, but did not dare to contradict the Taicho out loud and so let the matter drop. Ichigo released a sigh of relief.

As the movie swiftly moved toward the effects-fest of the Boonta Eve Podrace, less and less noise among the marathon attendees was heard. They all appeared to be quite impressed with the pods and their just as outlandish and unique racers. Every explosion was accompanied by a small gasp and jump, and every close curve by a slight involuntary leaning to the sides of their cushions. Renji especially seemed to lose himself in the perfectly executed maneuvers – Ichigo chuckled silently, picturing Renji as a racetrack stunt driver.

Soon enough, little Anakin was freed, amid many smiles from the absorbed audience, and the motley band finally landed in Coruscant. Ichigo watched his friends closely as Senator Palpatine briefed the young queen. They seemed to accept everything he stated without questioning, ignoring him as a character and thinking of him more as an unimportant source of information on the state of the government. Ichigo began to realize how this was understandable when one existed within the same social and political setting for several lifespans worth of time. Why should one begin to mistrust knowledge and orders when they had always been handed down in the very same chain of command for centuries previously? He decided to think more on this after the marathon.

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

_**Honorable delegates of the Republic, I come before you in the gravest of circumstances. Naboo has been invaded by the – **_

"PARTY IN BYAKUYA'S HOUSE!" shouted a wobbling, sake-waving Matsumoto Rangiku, the fun-loving fukutaicho of the Tenth Division, as she weaved into the room. She was followed by the quick firm strides of the dark tattooed Shuhei Hisagi and the hesitant shuffling of the blond delicate-featured Kira Izuru, the fukutaichos of the Ninth and Third Divisions, respectively.

"This is not a sake drinking party, Matsumoto fukutaicho. This is a movie marathon, which I begin to see I was mistaken to think would be any less disorderly and uninhibited," Byakuya corrected her regretfully.

"I'm afraid that you'll have to leave that bottle with me, Rangiku-san," Ukitake said pleasantly. "This particular party in Byakuya's house is sake-free."

"Awww, really, Taicho?" she hiccupped as he gently pried the jug from her precarious grip. She blinked rapidly as she stared at her now empty hand bewilderedly.

Suddenly, Rangiku's legs gave way and she plopped onto an empty cushion, whooping.

"Is she okay?" Ichigo raised an eyebrow at Rukia.

"She is fine. She's just loosened up a bit," Rukia replied knowingly

"You finished all your paperwork, Rangiku-san?" Hinamori asked expectantly.

"Why yes, Hina-chan, I did indeed!" She raised herself on one elbow and swiveled her head to look at the waiting fukutaicho. Now that Ichigo thought about it, he realized that Matsumoto was speaking quite intelligibly, and thus could not be wasted, but she had been acting so strangely. He remembered her normal behavior and decided that in all actuality that the word 'normal' did not apply to Rangiku or any of the other Shinigami, and thus her current actions were not strange in the least.

"You convinced me to finish my work so well that I signed, collated, and distributed all the papers right away. It didn't even take me two hours. It's amazing how fast I can get it done when I steel my mind to it!" Matsumoto marveled, regaining a seated position with little difficulty.

"And when you force two other unwilling fukutaichos to bind and deliver all the papers for you," Kira amended resentfully.

"Now, now, Kira, you both agreed right away when I told you that I'd take you to the biggest party in Sereitei when we were through and that I'd bring the sake for you both," Rangiku rebuked him, wagging a finger under his nose and smiling cheekily.

"Technically, Matsumoto-san, this isn't exactly a party," Hisagi corrected her, stealing a sidelong glance at Kurotsuchi Taicho.

"Yeah, well, it's the biggest thing going on right now in Sereitei. Look, even the real world kids are here!" Rangiku waved an arm to indicate Orihime and Ichigo as if they were part of the entertainment.

"Well, I'm certainly impressed, Rangiku-san. You really did finish up pretty quickly, with the proper motivation," Hinamori said smugly.

"Yup, I know, right? Everyone should throw a party every night! I'd get my work done so much faster! I rushed over here right over after I had signed and sent the very last form."

"MATSUMOTO!" An icy whirlwind swept among the gathering as a small figure tore through the door. The ominous chill seemed to flow from under the hem of his dark shihakusho, contrasting sharply with the heat of his ireful stare. He thrust out a pair of socks whose insides appeared to have been heaped generously with whipped cream.

"Right after I did that," she amended.

"That's right! There is no use denying it! How did you think you could get away with this?" an irate Hitsugaya Taicho bellowed at his shamelessly grinning subordinate.

"Oh, Rangiku-san, our agreement was that you'd finish your work fast and not bother Shiro-chan again for rest of the weekend. That's what you said you'd do if I didn't tell him I caught you with shaving cream and his socks," Hinamori lamented, crushed at the failure of her plan.

"Really? I don't remember that last part of the bargain," Rangiku responded musingly.

"Did you check to see if she had crossed her fingers, Hinamori-san?" Kira asked sagely.

"Yes! I did!"

Rangiku snapped her fingers. "I remember now! You said 'not to _make him mad_, not _bother him_. I knew he wouldn't be mad at me once he found out that I actually finished the paperwork on time."

Hitsugaya, who had been following the conversation with growls of frustration, suddenly stopped dead. "You mean, you really and truly completed all your paperwork already?"

"Yup, Taicho! Every last miserable form letter!" Rangiku gave her Taicho a thumbs-up brightly.

"Oh, in that case…" Hitsugaya let the arm gripping his ruined socks lower to his side. "In that case, I'm not angry. I do not think I can even begin to fathom my emotions. I feel… numb now." He sank slowly to a cushion. The assembled Shinigami gained a clear view of the short Taicho's feet, which still had shaving cream in between the toes and lathered all over his sandals. Despite this embarrassing and uncomfortable condition, the dazed Taicho began smiling foolishly. "I can't believe this. I did not even bother to check your desk for papers when I saw you were gone. I just took it for granted that you had wandered away from your work like usual." He shook his head a little, regaining some use of his wits. "Though, even if I had, I would have assumed you had burned or shredded or flushed the paperwork like you've done in the past."

"Nope!" The irrepressible fukutaicho grinned at her superior. "And I promise that I won't do any of those things next working day if you stay for this movie marathon!"

"I don't know." Hitsugaya peered around the room doubtfully, with a glance lingering on Kurotsuchi Taicho. The mad scientist, who was beginning to notice that he was receiving a disproportionate amount of these disapproving looks at this particular festivity, merely sniffed.

Hitsugaya made up his mind. "I'll stay for a few hours. But you'll have to refrain from your destructive behavior for at least a week."

"Three days!"

"Done," Hitsugaya clinched the deal rapidly. He turned to Kira and Hisagi. "No crossed fingers?"

"None that I could see," Hisagi answered slowly.

"Good." Hitsugaya settled himself more comfortably on his cushion, now that he was required to occupy it for some time. He suddenly remembered the state of his sandals, and as just retribution, snatched Matsumoto's ever-present pink scarf lying beside her to remedy it.

"So, what exactly has happened in this movie?" Hitsugaya asked in a business-like way. "If I am to sit through it, I should at least like to know what is going on." Rangiku, Kira, and Hisagi all perked up their ears and scooted forwards on their cushions too.

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away," sighed Orihime dreamily.

"There were these two Jedi knights, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-wan Kenobi – "

"Who were NOT Chinese –" Kiyone shouted.

"And they rescued Queen Amidala from certain death!" Momo clasped her hands rapturously.

"And took her right back into trouble in a desert that's almost exactly like the Rukongai –"

"Where they met a boy named Anakin who's a walking biological contradiction!" Rukia explained self-importantly.

"And he allowed them to escape the desert by risking his life, racing in these amazing machines that can almost fly faster than we can using shunpo – " Renji let his excitement regarding the podracers show through despite himself.

"And in return, they freed him from his slavemaster."

"Then they all packed up and traveled to their government, like the Central Forty-Six, except it's this huge huge room, which you can see on the screen there. And the queen is pleading with the government to save her people who are now in captivity." Momo completed the tale, staring into Hitsugaya's eyes as if she were telling him a bedtime story back when they were children together.

Apparently, Hitsugaya's memories of that happy time were also stirred. "Well, then, what happens next, Momo Bedwetter?" he asked her teasingly, mouth twitching.

"Let's find out, shall we, Shiro-chan? Snap, Tobiume!" Smiling, she flung out her zanpakuto, which split into slim metal branches. The longest center shoot finished growing at the exact distance of the DVD player. As Hinamori delicately depressed the button, the Shinigami settled themselves in again to witness the heroic exploits onscreen.

Ichigo expected some concern at the overthrow of the Chancellor and at the swift departure of the queen, but there was none. He noticed Matsumoto's mouth open to ask a question when Qui-Gon and little Anakin discussed midichlorians, but she shut it with a snap before saying a word. Looking closer, Ichigo noticed a thin swirl of ice on the edge of her hakama closest to Hitsugaya, who was frowning at the screen in concentration. Apparently, the child genius Taicho wanted to focus on catching up on the world in the film without interruptions.

The watchers could not retain their shock at Padme's revelation however.

"SHE'S the QUEEN? But how?" Kiyone yelped.

"She was so sensitive and wise when she was on Tatooine – I can see how she would be a good ruler," Hinamori said approvingly.

"But she let Qui-Gon walk all over her! How can her royal pride allow her to submit to that? Is she double-bluffing?" Rukia stared at the screen suspiciously.

Matsumoto frowned. "She let a man push her around? She must be weak, if that's true."

"No, Rangiku-san, she was just being humble and discreet. She had to protect her secret for the sake of her people's leadership. And she's so young that she had a hard time keeping her temper even so. I'm sure you noticed right before the podrace, Kuchiki-san," Orihime countered gently.

"Then Anakin is friends with a queen! A street rat best friends with nobility!" Renji looked awed, but touched too.

After their outburst, they listened silently to the Gungans's pledge and the Naboo battle plans outlined by the young queen. A few among the thirteenth division nodded their heads unconsciously. Ichigo hadn't realized that it was that good of a strategy. He was more of a just 'hit what you can reach as you go' kind of guy, personally. Besides, whatever plans he made invariably got turned on their heads. Whether perfect attendance in high school to keep the teachers from marking him a troublemaker (that went down the drain from the night Rukia first broke into his room) or saving Rukia ("I'll slip inside right now – after I train with Hat-'n'-Clogs - and pick up an inner Hollow – oh, never mind, I'll drop inside within a giant cannonball, and be separated from all my friends – why didn't I think of that in the first place?"), fate always one-upped any foresight on his part, so he just rolled with the punches and left the planning to those who hadn't learned their lesson yet.

The movie gathered itself for its climactic battle. No one blinked an eye as the small Naboo contingent charged into Theed, cutting a sizable swath in the endless array of battle droids, only to be broken up by Darth Maul and the droidekas. There were a few chuckles as the eager Anakin fumbled his way through the new ship's controls to destroy the shielded droids, and one or two outright guffaws at his retort to the anxious R2-D2.

_**Qui-Gon told me to stay in this cockpit, and that's what I'm gonna do!**_

"Rule-bender," Byakuya stated derisively, arms folded.

"That same term can be applied to you, Nii-sama, when it suits your purposes," Rukia commented laughing. Her brother merely smiled secretively in response.

The Shinigami's eyes tailed every wild spin in the super-aerial dogfight. Ichigo thought of their probable response to the even more spectacular ones in the last three movies with satisfaction.

The three-way lightsaber battle held no less of the audience's attention. While it was the first extended swordfight in the movie and where the actors' martial prowess was best displayed, the sheer brutality of Darth Maul's heavy kicks and double-bladed slashes made it one of the less enjoyable of the Star Wars fight scenes for Ichigo. All three combatants' moves were exceptional though. Hisagi had sudden spasms of slight twitching whenever a flurry of kicks or sword swings came, as if he had to restrain himself from reflexively blocking each move; Kira held himself more tensely at the same moments. As fukutaichos without taichos in their divisions, they were placed under more stress to excel in their fighting capabilities to reach the rank of Taicho; any display of combat was an opportunity for learning for them.

The scene was a trove of information of another kind, too. Kurotsuchi Mayuri tracked every glowing thrust and parry with narrowed eyes. As everyone witnessed Qui-Gon's death blow and gasped in shock and sadness, Kurotsuchi merely peered forward to more closely observe the way Darth Maul's saber exited the wound.

There was much concerned whispering about Qui-Gon's fate as the movie turned to the action outside Theed with the Gungan army and to the queen's capture within the palace. Everyone was shaken from their apathy however at Queen Amidala's brilliant reversal of fortune.

"Did she just get those weapons from the armrest of her throne?" Kira asked disbelievingly.

"Yes! Isn't she so smart?" Orihime responded brightly.

All five Taichos appeared very thoughtful at this news. Ichigo made a note to be careful where he placed his arms if he ever sat in their chairs in the future, then scrapped it when he realized that an emergency weapon might actually be just the thing to have on hand if they ever discovered him sitting in their personal chairs.

The final duel between the enraged and grieving Obi-Wan and the confident Darth Maul regained their full attention. Everyone held their breath as Obi-Wan propelled himself out of the well and sliced Darth Maul cleanly in half. As both ends of the defeated dark Sith tumbled down the shaft, Kurotsuchi Taicho rose from his cushion.

"Well, I think I have enough observational data on lightsabers in action for now," he announced, looking towards Nemu. He saw how it took an infinitesimally longer time for her to tear her eyes away from the screen than it usually did to return her attention to her Taicho and creator. Noting this, he decided, "You can stay here, Nemu. I can handle this on my own." Without another word, he left.

Nemu followed him with her eyes until he was out of sight. Then, slowly, she grinned to herself. "It has been so long since he's done something like that for me," she whispered.

"Woah! Nemu-san has teeth! Who knew?" Kira stared, enraptured.

Hisagi shot him a disparaging look. "And before this you had assumed she didn't?"

"Shhh!" everyone else admonished, listening to the dying man's last request.

_**Promise me you'll train the boy!**_

_**I will, Master.**_

"But I thought that the council already forbade anyone from training Anakin. Does Qui-Gon have amnesia?" Hinamori wondered, genuinely confused.

"Heh! From what I've seen of the little guy, all he has to do is pout his lip and give 'em puppy-dog eyes, and he'll wrap any old council around his little finger every time. I know it would work on me," Rangiku crooned.

"And yet, whatever I try with you, you still manage to resist every one of my orders regarding your paperwork," Hitsugaya remarked dryly.

"It's not the same, Taicho! You jut your chin and glare daggers at me, you don't ever try to look adorable! Or at least, if you did try, it certainly didn't come off that way."

"It is very difficult to look adorable, Matsumoto, when I find you playing tic-tac-toe with yourself on our division's budget request form."

"And I was winning that game too!"

Hitsugaya, Kira, and Hisagi rolled their eyes in exasperation.

They sobered up when they witnessed the lighting of Qui-Gon's funeral pyre.

"Oh, so he actually did die?" Renji asked, surprised.

"He was stabbed all the way through his body! Didn't you notice?" Ichigo raved.

"Yes, but, don't they have medicine for stuff like that there?" Momo questioned innocently.

Ichigo sighed. "Look, I know that here, you guys can pretty much be cut up all over, and as long as you remain in about five pieces or less, you can be patched up. But in most worlds, that's just not the way it is. If you are stabbed fatally, it's actually fatal. Not just suspenseful."

"Oh." Renji and Momo sat pondering this new concept.

"Why did the camera focus on that Naboo senator just now?" Rukia asked after Yoda and Mace Windu's discussion of the Sith situation.

"Who knows?" Ichigo answered evasively, cursing her perceptiveness.

Fortunately, the final scene with its raucous music and colorful victory procession provided ample distraction.

Kyouraku was enthused by the spectacle. "Look at all those petals! But those children are throwing them a little too densely. They would have benefitted from lessons with my sweet Nanao. She is the best at scattering petals – err, except perhaps for your Senbonzakura, Kuchiki."

"I do not believe the Naboo citizens would have appreciated lessons from Senbonzakura in petal-scattering, in any case," Byakuya responded levelly.

Rukia laughed and Ichigo winced, both imagining the catastrophe of a released Senbonzakura in the Theed victory parade.

Everyone smiled despite themselves when the self-important Boss Nass raised the token of Naboo-Gungan unity for the crowd to see, crying out in jubilation.

"What did he say?" Hisagi queried, brows knit in perplexity.

"It sounded like 'Whee!'," Kira sounded unsure of himself.

"Perhaps it was 'Theed,' short for 'people of Theed,' because they regained their freedom together," Rukia guessed.

"Maybe he said 'See'? To draw attention to that electrical sphere?" Matsumoto contributed.

"Don't be ridiculous! He obviously said 'Peace.' This is a victory celebration," Hitsugaya scoffed.

"I always thought he said 'Heee!'; you know, like he was excited that they finally won," Orihime whispered, a little embarrassed. Momo patted her back reassuringly.

The Shinigami stretched as the credits took over the screen.

"That was fun! I think I might like that better than a party! Well, only if there was sake, of course." Matsumoto sidled closer to Ukitake, who was guarding the jug she had brought. He merely inched his hands closer to his double-bladed zanpakuto, smirking. She returned to her cushion, scowling.

"Sorry, Rangiku-chan. He won't relent even for me," Kyouraku sympathized sadly.

"Should we sit through all the credits, Ichigo?" Ukitake tried to distract his sake-craving friends.

"Well, you don't have to. I always make a point of it though when watching a movie, for the first time, at least. Plus, Star Wars has awesome music. Can't go wrong with John Williams."

Rukia tilted her head at the name. "John Williams? I saw that you had a lot of music of his on your music player. Do you have the music for these movies on there?"

"Sure."

"How many albums?"

Ichigo mumbled something into his arms crossed on his knees.

"I cannot hear you," Rukia said loudly, prodding his ribs.

"Ten!"

"Ten albums? That must be nearly half of your music!"

"More like a quarter," Ichigo corrected defensively. Seeking something else to occupy the teasing girl, he asked the assembled Shinigami, "So anyway, what did you all think of the movie?"

"Very enjoyable! Thank you for bringing it, Kurosaki-kun."

"That's exactly what I thought too, Ukitake Taicho! Extremely enjoyable! Nyah nyah, Kiyone!"

"I thought it was enjoyable first, Sentaro!"

"Tiny Anakin was SO CUTE!" Rangiku enthused. Momo and Rukia sighed in consensus.

"Good mix of action, story, and humor. Perfect for this crowd," declared a satisfied Kyouraku.

"Especially the action," Renji emphasized. Kira and Hisagi nodded in agreement.

"Mm." Byakuya's grunt imparted nothing of his thoughts on the film. Hard to please, that guy, Ichigo thought.

"I don't know. I think I need to see more of the films before I make up my mind about how I feel about them," Hitsugaya replied guardedly.

Rukia shifted on her cushion impatiently. "That is true! I mean to say, I like it already, but I still want to know how they are planning on dealing with the Sith. Will there be a new one to replace the one who was killed? And what will happen to Anakin and Padme? Can they still be friends as a Jedi and queen?"

"And will they rescue Shmi Skywalker? They really could have tried to remove her tracker," Nemu added softly.

"And what happens to Obi-Wan?"

"And Jar-Jar?"

"And Sebulba?"

"Sebulba?" Ichigo twisted himself to stare at Renji, the last one to speak. "Why do you care what happens to him? He's not cool!"

Renji shrugged. "He could walk on his hands?"

Rukia shoved him playfully. "You would."

Ichigo slowly unfolded and lifted himself up from his cushion. "Now that the credits are over, we can answer all those questions. Well, except for yours, Renji." He shuffled over to the DVD player and switched the disks.

As the new movie loaded, Rangiku hopped on her cushion in excitement. "Oh, I can't wait to see what that litt leAnakin will do next! I'm so happy these movies are about such an adorable little boy!"

Orihime, who knew the top Star Wars actors in each film by heart, glanced at her worriedly. "Oh dear."


	5. Episode 2: Attack of the Chibi

Hi again, it's been awhile! Sorry for the long wait!

A-hem! Before reading this loooong chapter, please take note of the following items:

I do not own Bleach or Star Wars, their respective characters, or anything pertaining to them. The lines bolded and italicized come from the Star Wars movies (and some may be inexact), so I don't own them either.

Siveler, AgentG, Skykhanhunter, Deadpoolhulk, Eradona, SuperfluousMan, and Redcristal, this is for you, you are so wonderful! Thank you so much for your reviews! They kept me going through all the stuff in the way these past few months, so I could finally put up this chapter. Please, send me any ideas for the next chapter – I think the more specific ideas that you wouldn't mind me adapting for this story, the faster I'll be able to update.

I do not want anyone to get any wrong ideas from what I have written and will write in this story: human cloning = very bad. Non-celibacy of Catholic priests, who have been compared to the Jedi (except in certain circumstances, which you can find out about in accurate and reliable sources if you want more information) = very bad. Hmm, perhaps I should mention getting drunk and violence except in certain circumstances = very bad too, though I hope I have avoided that in this story, but just in case. If you don't know what I'm talking about or how this relates to the story, you'll probably see once you read this chapter. Please, just keep this in mind, and please don't review concerning these topics. I'll probably just delete them, then lock myself in my room and cry into my pillow, my closest confidante. Oh wait, I don't use pillows… darn you, closest confidante!

I actually have been to one of the locations in this movie! Yes, really! You know that bridge and plaza Anakin, Padme, and R2-D2 walk (scoot?) across when they land on Naboo and are talking about her time as queen? Well, this past summer, I had the amazing opportunity to visit Spain to study (not Spanish), and I as a side trip I went to the Plaza de Espana in Sevilla! When I saw the movie later and I recognized the location, I rolled around on the floor basically shrieking hysterically for quite some time. I've walked upon the same ground as where Star Wars was filmed… I was quite overcome. You know you're jealous…

With that taken care of, please enjoy the next installment in this surprising story!

Kat

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

_**A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…**_

As second episode's opening scrawl rolled out before their eyes, the air of expectancy among the Shinigami was laced with a hint of something else; if Ichigo had been forced to name it, he would have called it a comfortable familiarity. It was amazing how quickly the movie had grown on his friends. He could swear that he heard Rukia humming along to the theme, mostly on-key, but hey, her musical skills were still far superior to her artistic ones. The movie experience was relatively new for some of the dead warriors though. When Kira turned to ask Hisagi about where the scrolling words were coming from, the ninth division fukutaicho rolled his eyes and stuffed a handful of popcorn into the blonde's questioning mouth.

Hitsugaya, ever the bright one, was the first to notice one problematic thing in the movie's prologue. "Create an army? How can they not have an army? We just saw an army in the last film!" His voice rose with his level of annoyance at what he saw as a lack of attention to detail.

"That was Naboo's army. The Republic doesn't have one of its own, and it's worked well enough for them so far. It would be kind of like if each district in the Rukongai had its own division, all acting independently," Ichigo explained.

Every single Shinigami winced with an expression of almost palpable pain at this analogy.

Ichigo, picturing the massive bloodshed they were envisioning as a result of an armed Rukongai, quickly amended the comparison. "I mean, if they fought the Hollows. And didn't kill each other all the time. If they actually cared about the common good and got along… you know what, never mind, it's not like the Rukongai having an army at all." Ichigo closed his mouth and curled up with his chin on his knees defensively, fully demoralized.

The watchers were shaken by the sudden explosion of the senator's transport, and the brave decoy's last gasping breath in Padme's arms. Ichigo had never thought before that this was a much darker beginning than any of the other films; then again, he remembered what had taken place just a few short months before in the United States, the homeland of the creator of Star Wars, and taking that into account, it was not such a great surprise.

A few minutes later, as the elevator to the Naboo senator's apartments rose smoothly onscreen, the moment Orihime had been dreading arrived.

"What! That's Anakin! How long has it been since the last time we've seen him?" Matsumoto demanded irately.

Orihime closed her eyes and shrank back a little reflexively. "Ten years," she faltered.

"Then why has Padme Amidala's appearance not changed?" Nemu cocked her head, considering this puzzle as if it were a deviant laboratory report.

"Who cares what she looks like! Anakin is the problem! He's not cute and tiny anymore," wailed Matsumoto, who seemed genuinely on the verge of tears.

"Um, Rangiku-san, actually, he is still kind of cute, right? I mean, in a different way. Or – or at least, I think so," Orihime ventured shyly, her hair obscuring her face.

"I think so too," Rukia agreed dreamily. Renji stared at her rapt face fearfully.

"Mm…" Momo shrugged noncommittally.

Kira laughed at them fondly. "Oh, so we're witnessing the beginnings of a celebrity crush here?"

Nemu looked from one of her friends to the other, whipped a commonplace book from one of her shihakusho sleeves, and commenced scribbling notes.

Rangiku pursed her lips consideringly as the young Jedi bowed before his childhood friend. "Hmm, now that you point it out, he is not that bad looking… if he changed his hairstyle a bit… maybe grew it out a little more" - here Momo's face began assuming the same vacant, euphoric stare as Rukia – "Yes, I do think he is quite a handsome boy. I approve of your taste, ladies. If I were your age, I might fall for him myself." With a firm nod, she settled herself securely on her cushion.

"Good. I'm glad you got that settled." Ichigo rolled his eyes derisively at the girls' infatuation.

Kiyone looked from her female friends to the screen, then back to them. "I don't see what you're talking about. He'd have to grow it out a lot before he could look half as handsome as… our Taichos," she finished self-consciously.

Hisagi, who had actually been listening to the conversation in the elevator, announced, "Well, sorry ladies, but it seems like this particular hunk is taken."

"What? Already? No way!" Rukia protested.

_**I dream of her every day since we've parted…**_

"Oh." Rukia, Rangiku, Momo, and Orihime all sighed forlornly.

"I thought you had already seen this film, Inoue." Hitsugaya frowned perplexedly.

"Oh yes, I have, but still, I just can't help it," Orihime sighed again distractedly.

Searching desperately for something to distract them, Renji said suddenly, "Look how Anakin is ignoring Jar Jar! I mean, they were friends too, right?"

Kira, whose concern had grown at Momo's reaction to the mental image of a longer-haired Anakin, quickly caught on to Renji's idea. "That's right, the loyal friends always are taken for granted. It is really tragic, how people just forget those who have always cared for them through thick and thin." He shifted his gaze surreptitiously to Momo, while Renji, ever the unsubtle one, began boring his vision into the side of Rukia's head. Unluckily for them, their attention and that of the rest of the females in the audience remained fixated on the screen.

"Hmm, I wonder though, who do you suppose is targeting the Senator? She doesn't really seem that dangerous," mused the blissfully detached thirteenth division Taicho.

His best friend emitted a low chuckle. "Who knows? I suppose we'll have to wait and see, as we always do."

An impatient voice rose from below them. "I don't think that she's the target at all."

"What? Who are they after then, Taicho?" Matsumoto queried.

In answer, her superior raised his fist and pointed one small finger at the screen emphatically. "Him!"

"Captain Typho? Why would anyone ever go after him?" asked a completely befuddled Ichigo.

"Look at his face!"

"Oh!" Orihime was first to understand. "You mean his eyepatch?"

"I guess that is a little suspicious. I mean, in that state of technological advancement, one would think that he could have a replacement if he had lost an eye. Maybe he is hiding something?" Hisagi mused aloud.

"That's totally ridiculous!" Ichigo scoffed.

"Well, most people who cover an eye do have dangerous secrets," Rukia acknowledged after some consideration.

"What!" exclaimed Ichigo, exasperated.

Nemo, ever ready to provide assistance, began listing people who filled Rukia's qualifications.

"Number one: Zaraki Kenpachi Taicho."

"He is a little scary," whispered Momo.

Orihime giggled nervously in agreement.

"Number two: Tosen Kaname."

"But that wasn't at all related to his eyeshields," Hisagi pointed out.

Matsumoto pinched him to shush him. "She never said it had to do with his eye covers!"

["Number three: Jiruga Nnoitra."

"Who?" asked Ichigo.

Nemu paled and marked something on her notebook. "I guess I won't mention Tesla then," she murmured. "Disregard that."]

"Number three: Kira Izuru."

"Wha… wait, what?" Kira snapped his head towards the quiet fukutaicho. "What have I ever done?"

Renji laughed at his reaction. "Well, you do hide half your face behind those bangs, Kira. She's got you there."

"But what have I ever done that's dangerous or a secret?" wailed the accused blonde.

"I do not know. You will have to tell me." Nemu narrowed her eyes accusingly at him.

"You're just making up things about me?" Kira sniffed. "That's not fair!"

"We do not have a firm hypothesis yet," the placid girl admitted.

Hisagi guffawed, no longer able to hold in his amusement. "You mean twelfth division is investigating him? What kind of priority does he have?"

Nemu ruffled through a few pages until she found the one she was looking for. "One thousand three hundred thirty-eight. But now, I am moving him up to one thousand eighty-seven," she interjected with a keen warning glance in his direction.

Kira hung his head glumly. "Now I'll have to check the mirrors every time I get in my room to see if they've installed two-way ones," he lamented.

"With our latest models, you cannot determine if they are two-way unless you uninstall them from the wall and inspect then under ultraviolet light. I developed them myself," Nemu declared proudly.

Kira merely placed his forehead on his knees and remained still in misery.

"Er, well done, Nemu-san. However, it appears that in the Star Wars universe at least, individuals with eyepatches are not always the center of importance," Ukitake Taicho interrupted.

With their attention redirected, everyone clearly saw the senator, Jedi, and four smoking halves of the poisonous space-worm by Padme's bed, and no Captain Typho in sight. The crash from the shattering window reverberated throughout the room as Obi-Wan latched onto the fleeing assassin's droid.

"Was he not just now making a fuss about not exceeding the mandate to merely protect the Senator? Now they are leaving her to investigate!" Hitsugaya frowned at the sudden turn of events.

"An ounce of prevention, and all that," Momo said brightly. "Besides, in the heat of the moment and if all the leads were right in front of you ready for the taking, wouldn't you do the same thing for me?"

"Well, I guess, but – "

"Or me?" His incorrigible fukutaicho thrust her face directly in front of his, blinking at him half-solemnly.

"Okay, maybe, but – "

"Or me?"

"You, Inoue-san? I mean, why are _you_ asking me that?"

Orihime tilted her head thoughtfully as she considered the question. After a short deliberation, she responded. "Because I made you all cookies?"

Surprisingly, the diminuitive Taicho nodded comprehendingly at this inane reasoning. "Hm, I see. I suppose I would then."

_**What are you doing? He went completely the other way!**_

_**Don't worry, Master. This is a short cut – I think.**_

"Ha, that sounds just like a certain fukutaicho we all know," Renji observed with a half-amused groan.

"Oh, Yachiru-chan! It's been a while since I've seen her! I wonder what she's up to right now?" Orihime wondered cheerfully.

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

At that same moment a few kilometers away, a stone wall erupted in a spew of rubble, the dust clearing to reveal a new man-shaped hole. As a formidable figure bounded through the new gap undeterred, a tiny bubble-gum pink hair-covered head poked over one of his shoulders and shook sideways vigorously.

"Yay! There's always so many fun noises when we go out to play! Bang! Bash! BOOM!" The little girl's effervescent giggles trailed after the speeding duo.

The bell-bedecked pointed-haired man ran forward stoically. "What I want to know is what we're doing in the thirteenth division if we started from eleventh. According to all logic, we should be heading completely the other way."

Yachiru craned her neck to peer sideways at Zaraki Kenpachi. "Don't worry, Ken-chan, it's a short cut! Trust my super-super direction sense! Oh, quick, quick, turn left!" This was accompanied by her small but freakishly strong hand tugging sharply at the top left shoulder of his haori.

Kenpachi growled he splashed through a natural pond, soaking them both and eliciting squeals of delight from the small figure perched on his back. "What did you do that for?"

"Hee hee! Oopsie, I forgot about the koi pond again! Splish splash SPLOOSH!"

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

"Heh, she's so adorable!" Ukitake commented fondly.

"You say that now, Taicho, but remember last week and the week before, your koi – "

"Be quiet, Sentaro! We don't know for sure it was her!"

"Be quiet yourself, Kiyone! She was standing right there, soaking wet and holding one of the koi in her hands!"

"Madame President would never do that! She must have been struggling to return it to the water, and gotten splashed by the other koi!"

"Did the koi smash their own pond up then?"

Their ever-patient, but thin-worn Taicho closed his eyes tiredly. "Third seats…"

_**I think he is a she, Master. And I think she is a changling.**_

They watched in silence as the two Jedi caught the assassin and as the dying changling morphed back into her natural form.

"Well, so she was after the senator after all," Hitsugaya remarked calmly.

"That's it? What about the changling? Aren't you impressed by seeing a strange creature morph into a human?" Ichigo asked curiously.

The assembled Shinigami took a moment to consider the many strange phenomena they had witnessed within the past few months, not least being their own Twelfth Divison Taicho who could decompose into fluid.

"No."

"Oh, okay."

"Wow! What a pretty bed!" Momo stared entranced at the interior of Padme's Coruscant suite.

"Huh, that's nothing really – lots of people in the mortal world sleep on raised beds. Even Ichigo has one," Rukia boasted.

"No way! I want to see it!" Rangiku joined in the general excitement.

"I swear… you guys…" Ichigo couldn't find a way to express the absurdity of the range of what it took to impress the Shinigami.

_**If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist!**_

As Jocasta Nu swept off in an indignant huff from the doubting Obi Wan, the barest mention of a frown line appeared on Nemu's eternally unruffled forehead.

Momo was the first to notice. "What's wrong, Nemu? Does the Jedi library bother you? It does look a bit like our records-keeping room, doesn't it, except… brighter."

Nemu continued staring intently at the screen. "No, it is not that… that woman stated that her records are absolutely complete…"

Kira laughed at Nemu's perturbed introspection. "What, are you worried that we do not exist because we are not documented in them?"

Without a pause, Nemu responded casually, "That conclusion bears absolutely no relevance, and only a fool would even consider it."

"Oh…" Kira shrank further into a huddled crouch on his cushion in disgrace; his bangs almost seemed to droop even more forlornly.

Completely ignorant of the discomfort she just engendered, the impassive fukutaicho continued her train of thought aloud. "The problem I was analyzing was that our records here in the Soul Society do not approach that degree of certainty or encompass that range of data. In the Twelfth Division, in particular. Perhaps I have been remiss in my duties as Mayuri-sama's assistant…" Poor Nemu looked almost overcome by remorse.

"I really would not worry about that, Nemu-san. After all, no one expects anything as extensive as that out of Twelfth Division, anyway," Hisagi reassured the girl comfortingly.

"Of course not, Nemu-san. Twelfth is for researching and developing strange stuff that shouldn't be able to happen, not for understanding how the universe works. I mean, what would happen if you all suddenly decided to start researching useful, ordinary things, like, I don't know, how to survive Orihime's cooking? What would everyone think then?"

"I know, right? The Twelfth actually not acting like nutcases? The world would be over," laughed Hisagi.

"Guys…" Kira peered out from beneath his drooping bangs hesitantly, gazing past the oblivious duo.

Renji and Hisagi turned towards the object of their warning friend's attention, and were astounded to see Momo dividing her attention between a suddenly paralyzed Nemu and Orihime, who began hiccupping from shock.

"Shhh…." Matsumoto comforted, rubbing Nemu's back. "Everyone knows the Twelfth Division works very hard, and that they are indispensible for Soul Society's Safety. Everyone _decent_, anyway," she amended, sending a harsh glare in the chastened men's direction.

"Nutcases...?" Nemu breathed, eyes staring ahead unseeing.

Rangiku conveniently ignored her words' apparent lack of success. "And you know how much I love your cooking, Orihime-chan," she crooned consolingly, stroking the long hairpin-adorned hair.

"My cooking… _kills_ people?" Orihime muttered disbelievingly.

Unlike the topic of the Twelfth Division, Renji felt like he could set this record straight without a blatant lie. "Of course not, Inoue. It's just, sometimes it's hard to finish… when you give such large helpings?" he concluded, which was not actually much of a stretch. With her special cooking, _any_ amount was too much to swallow and keep down.

"Oh!" The human girl brightened immediately, wiping her eyes. "I guess I do like to serve a lot of food. It's just, I'm always hungry myself, and I like sharing what I cook. I guess it would make sense that you might want Twelfth Division to make your stomachs bigger if yours are smaller than mine. Then you could try some of all the food I make!" She giggled, just like the normal Orihime they all knew and loved, but coupled with the persistant hiccups and her previous comment, it produced a nightmarishly unbalanced effect.

Rukia immediately desisted from patting Orihime's back and directed her attention back to Nemu. "You really don't have to tell Kurotsuchi Taicho what she just suggested, you know," she whispered urgently.

_**I hope that he doesn't do anything foolish.**_

_**I'd be more worried about her doing something, than him.**_

Obi Wan and Captain Typho watched the retreating Anakin, Padme, and R2-D2 grimly, casting a sense of foreboding on their departure for Naboo.

"You know, that is an excellent point. They really chose exactly the wrong person to accompany the Senator if they truly wanted to ensure her complete safety. I mean, young Anakin will try harder than anyone to protect her, but he is inexperienced, impulsive, disobedient, and infatuated with his prerogative. He'll be completely distracted; even his master admits it. Is the Council really that blind, or are they actually hoping that the Senator will be killed?" Kyoraku Taicho asked the audience contemplatively, his eyes still glued to the screen.

"Huh, I never thought of that last one, but yeah, I think they are kinda blind. But you'll see by the end of the series, the Jedi Order begins to change. I mean, the point's not really about allowing Jedi to get married and stuff; Anakin could leave the Jedi order if that was the real issue. It's about recognizing the strength formed by healthy attachments and close friendships with other people, even though they complicate things. That's one of the things I like about the Jedi, they learn from their mistakes. I wish that … groups in the real world could do that too. But yeah, like you said, at this point -"

_**Attachments, forbidden. **_

The Shinigami listened, expressions mirroring the Senator on the screen as she tried to absorb and reason through Anakin's somewhat distorted explanation of the Jedi code.

Orihime took a breath as if to comment, but after half a second, let it go without adding anything. Of course, she knew what Kurosaki-kun was trying to say, but she knew better than to elucidate for him, now. Even though many of her classmates and teachers viewed her as happy-go-lucky and a bit of a flake who never comprehended anything outside of school work, her cute ramblings and cheerful cluelessness were a bit of an act, or perhaps, more like a façade. She did like to think in an innocent, consistently positive way, but oftentimes she had to force herself to do it rather than share what she truly thought. In some ways, she had never grown up from the vivacious toddler taken to and from school by her doting brother, but in reality, after his death, she had grown up almost overnight. She saw things, like people's feelings and what they _should_ do and say instead of what they always _did_, and in the beginning, she tried to explain it to them. She learned fast and hard that they did not understand. Two feet of missing hair later, she resolved to always think before she said aloud anything _important_, anything intrinsically _true_, again; but she could still share the small things, the bright things, that she would always seek out when feeling alone in the dark. Oh yes, she was a very different person that she had been when Sora was alive, and as unlike who she would have become if he was still living, as night was from day. Maybe Padme was like that? Orihime remembered her tortured plea,

_**My people are suffering, dying!**_

If she had not been forced by circumstances out of her control to helplessly endure that pain, would she have been different? And Anakin, if he had not been forced to live in a world bereft of his mother and the man who had been the first to ever show him kindness, what would he have become?

Orihime quickly shook her head, clearing them of such brooding thoughts. She was here with friends, who understood her for what she was… mostly, anyway. It was still hard to open up to even those who had suffered through similar circumstances; well, she'd just have to try harder, little by little.

But anyway, that all really had little to do with what Kurosaki-kun had been thinking when he had paused. Obviously, he had been considering that the administration of Soul Society should show more humanity in their decisions, and realize that learning about and trusting in individuals might be wiser than blindly following orders regardless of circumstances. But just as obviously, Kurosaki-kun wouldn't want her to say that. It wouldn't be wise. She smiled, proud of herself for resisting the urge to clarify without a thought of the consequences. But wait – she seemed to hear something… was it déjà-vu? Suddenly paying attention to what was going on around her Orihime heard a clear, deep but feminine voice, saying…

"…might be wiser than blindly following orders regardless of circumstances. Do you not think so too, Taicho?" Rukia gazed innocently at a bemused Ukitake Taicho.

"Well yes, Rukia, but though I think he might secretly agree with you, I would not advise repeating those opinions in front of Yamamoto Soutaicho. However, you must consider that it is difficult to introduce change, not matter how important or beneficial, in an institution that has operated for over a millennium." The last comment was addressed placatingly in Ichigo's direction.

This time, Orihime didn't see any need to hold back. "The Jedi Order was a lot older than that, at this point," she stated, a slight curving of her lips betraying her amusement at Rukia's audacity and Ukitake's careful response.

Onscreen, Yoda chuckled fondly.

_**Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is. The Padawan is right.**_

After that, no one found anything left to say on the subject.

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

_**I don't like sand. It's so rough, and it gets everywhere.**_

Kiyone (who for once in her life had been concentrating on something else when her captain was speaking and had remained silent through his expressed opinion on the state of the Soul Society) commented, "Wow, what a complainer! Even Aizen didn't complain about sand."

Sentaro looked dumbfounded. "For the first time, I can't think of how to disagree with you."

_**It's much better here. Everything's so soft… and smooth…**_

"Oh, so that's what he was getting at. He sure took a while, but I guess maneuvering from environments to women is a bit of a jump," Hisagi reasoned.

"Well, she doesn't seem to mind." Rangiku frowned at the smooching couple. "She's a strange one. She really seemed so much stronger in the first movie. And not even I would wear a dress like that."

"I'm thrilled to hear it," Hitsugaya whispered fervently.

Rukia raised an eyebrow, then turned to the Taichos behind her. "Is that really the way that men speak to women they like?"

The three Taichos glanced once at each other, then began speaking simultaneously.

"Well, I have never had any experience in things of that nature, so I could not really – " Ukitake began hesitantly.

"I mean, each man expresses himself differently, so I suppose someone, somewhere, might say something resembling – " Kyouraku Taicho floundered.

"No."

"Oh, I thought so… thank you, Nii-sama." Rukia turned back around and resumed watching the film.

Rolls of thunder, lashing rain and the hydrolic-sounding _whoosh_ of the Kaminoan facility doors echoed through the viewing room. The mysterious atmosphere was interrupted by snort and moan as the fiery-haired Sixth Division fukutaicho suddenly sat up straight on his cushion.

"Oops, sorry. I guess I fell asleep there. What did I miss?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes at the irrepressible redhead. "When did you fall asleep, Renji?"

Renji narrowed his eyes, considering. "Right around when Anakin and the girl got off the ship."

Ichigo smiled. "Oh good. You didn't miss anything important. In fact, you can fall asleep again next time you see them; that's what I feel like doing sometimes when I watch those two together in this movie."

_**Yes, a clone army – and I must say, one of the finest we have ever created.**_

As Lama Su, Taun We, and Obi Wan exchanged their hesitant pleasantries and moved towards the cloning facilities, the Shinigami gaped at the calmingly radiant room filled with the tiny lives, packed efficiently in sterile tubes that covered the available surfaces as far as the eye could see. There was something both disturbing and awe-inspiring in the careful but heartless thought put into nourishing the war-destined clones. The audience silently drank in the sense of both tragic beauty and ominous, overbearing power present in the scene.

"That's… a lot of clones," Kyouraku Taicho whispered.

"That is a lot of children," Ukitake Taicho clarified, eyes crinkling as he regarded the artificial wombs with a fond, gentle smile.

"Just imagine, Nemu-san – if Soul Society had those facilities, how many siblings you could have," Hitsugaya commented dryly.

Nemu, blushing slightly, glanced down with a confused expression. "Actually, as enjoyable as that sounds, I do not think that would be a good thing," she said softly, lips barely moving. Probably none of the Shinigami heard her honest appraisal, but the conversation moved forward without her anyway.

"Honestly though, I think the clones are more like the Gikonpaku you guys made," Ichigo opined. "And even you seemed to think that those weren't a good idea anyway. Not that your 'solution' was any more humane…"

"I truly hope, for your sake, Kurosaki Ichigo, that this film viewing is not a mere ploy to subvert Shinigami by reminding them of all the mistakes the Gotei Thirteen has made throughout its history," Kuchiki Byakuya hinted severely.

"Ha, Taicho, you admitted that the Sereitei makes mistakes!" Renji snickered. That was before he noticed the glacial stare rivaling Hyourinmaru in lack of temperature directed his way. "Shutting up, Taicho," he muttered, his exuberance rapidly dissipating.

Rukia, who emanated a miniature ice age for the substitute Shinigami (only infinitesimally preferable to her esteemed brother's cryogenic freezer of a glare), spoke on her protégé's behalf. "Do not be concerned, Nii-sama. Ichigo will not be troubling you with such disparaging comments again."

"But for the attachments thing, _you_ were the one who went out and said – OW! Quit that!" Ichigo rubbed his sore shin, scowling at Rukia. She merely brandished her sheathed Sode no Shirayuki at him, daring him to voice another complaint.

_**And who is the host?**_

_**A bounty hunter named Jango Fett… We modified them … to be more **_**docile**_** than the original host.**_

"Just imagine how much easier our job would be if our subordinates were like that," Hitsugaya dreamt regretfully.

"Oh come on Taicho, you know you'd miss it if you didn't have to find my new hiding spot in the division each morning and drag me to the office before starting on paperwork," Matsumoto cooed.

Hitsugaya could find no words to express his complete disagreement.

Hisagi cocked his head thoughtfully. "I wonder if there really could be a way to change people's willfulness like that."

Kira's lone visible eye widened as he realized the significance of that question. "Nemu-san, please, do _not_ write that down!"

The slightest puckering of her eyebrows indicated Nemu's surprise. "Oh, then, I take it you have not sampled the latest stock of sake 'imported' into the Sereitei?"

Kira froze, then reached deep into his shihakusho sleeves and rummaged around. After pulling three bottles out and setting them on the polished wooden floor, he slid them as far away from himself as possible in order to avoid any accidents. The thirteenth division members nearest the casks scooted away distrustfully.

_**But that's the problem, not everyone agrees.**_

_**Then they should be made to.**_

_**By whom? Who should make them? You?**_

_**No, not me. **_

_**Then who?**_

_**Someone wise.**_

_**I don't know. That sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me.**_

_**Well… if it works.**_

As the senator and Jedi bonded in the Naboo meadow during their half-playful, half dead serious conversation, Ichigo could feel several pairs of eyes fixed upon him, daring him to say anything. More perceptibly, he could feel the smooth hard sheath of a certain Sode no Shirayuki jabbing warningly at his kneecap.

"I'm not saying anything," he growled.

_BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH_

_**They're like animals – and I slaughtered them like animals! I hate them!**_

After his heart-wrenching confession of his annihilation of the Tusken Raiders that killed his mother, Anakin slumped down, nearly motionless, as a concerned Padme stroked his shoulders comfortingly. Barely discernable shivers were the only indication of his aching grief and confusion.

Outside the screen, a certain Sixth Division fukutaicho sat up blearily. "Huh? What? I missed something, didn't I? Hm, déjà-vu…"

"No Renji, you didn't miss anything. I totally would have slept too, if I could," Ichigo glared balefully at Rukia's sheathed zanpakuto. She absentmindedly still had it lodged painfully between his lower ribs as she ignored the interchange, instead watching the foreboding scene in trepidation.

"Are you sure? It really looks like I missed something important," Renji gazed at the screen, completely bewildered.

"Actually, Renji, you did miss a little. Anakin sensed something was wrong with his mother, so he returned to his home planet with the senator, located his mother's new family who told him that she had been kidnapped by these nomad people, and went to rescue her. Except, when he did, she died in his arms. So, in a fit of rage, he eradicated the entire camp," Momo supplied helpfully.

"Oh, well, I mean, that sounds wrong, but I guess if they attacked him and it was out of self-protection, and he couldn't arrest all of them, maybe…"

"Even the women and children?" Orihime asked softly.

"Oh… yeah, that sounds bad. Even we wouldn't do that."

"What exactly do you mean by that, Abarai? 'Even we'?" Kuchiki Taicho queried, bristling.

"He's right, you know; even we don't kill women or children," Kyouraku Taicho repeated seriously, ignoring the younger Taicho's comment.

"You know, I never _have_ seen any young or female regular hollows. I wonder why that is?" Ukitake Taicho looked genuinely puzzled.

Matsumoto laughed fondly. "Well, I'm not too sure about the female part, but guess it's because sweet, innocent children don't have any evil in their soul or festering regrets!"

Hitsugaya's beautiful teal eyes glazed over as he lost himself to a buried memory.

_The little boy floated by the store window, pale hair unruffled by the hot summer scented breeze. That, and the slow clink of the chain swinging from his chest as he bounced gently up and down on the pads of his unsupported grimy bare feet, clearly marked him as a konpaku, a soul unencumbered by a mortal body but somehow bound to the mortal realm._

_Passersby walked by carelessly on the scorching sidewalk, carrying on conversations and hurrying around and through the oblivious child. His bright eyes remained fixated on the interior of the candy shoppe, excluding all his surroundings: the noisy people, the lazy breeze, the sweltering heat. None of that mattered now, all that was important was right in front of him, through the street window of the candy shoppe. _

"_Tch… what's so exciting in there?"_

_Ah… this voice was different. These words were meant for his ears alone – someone could see him! The boy finally turned, and saw a strange figure striding purposefully towards him from across the busy street. Though each step was planted firmly on the ground, the traffic sped right on through him, creating a disorienting image of a black-clad person now visible and now obscured, but steadily growing larger as he approached. Finally, the questioner arrived on the boy's side of the sidewalk, and took up peering into the window in the same direction as the boy's covetous gaze. Though the boy remained mute, the stranger did not repeat himself, instead standing silently at the boy's side._

_After observing the interloper for several seconds, the boy finally mustered enough confidence to reply. "Please, sir," he began, his voice a bit rusty with disuse. He stopped, cleared his throat a little, and then resumed."You've been like this a while, haven't you?"_

_The boy's companion raised an eyebrow, his face inscrutable. "What would make you think that?"_

_The boy shrank back hesitantly. "Well, the traffic didn't slow down for you and no one else seems to see you, so you obviously are like me. But you're not bouncing or floating around, even though you probably can, like me, so you must be pretty used to being like this. But," here the boy paused, looking the man up and down, a frown marring his delicate face, "I don't see a chain like I have. What's going on?"_

_The barest hint of a smile shaped the stranger's mouth. "You are a very intelligent boy. Yes, I have been in this state for a while, but I am not quite the same as you, as you have noticed. I am a shinigami, a protector of the dead, and guide to the afterlife, called the Soul Society. You are a soul, a spirit who has, unfortunately, lost his life."_

_As he stared at the shinigami, the icy blue eyes of the young child filled with an emotion difficult to put into words: sudden realization, confirmation, along with forced detachment from a flood of memories. In keeping with his precocious air, the boy nodded slowly. "I see. It makes sense. I know I was very sick…" he broke off his reminisces, bravely turning to face the shoppe window again. "I'll miss… everyone. But, eventually, they will come to the Soul Society too?" He ended with a question and a full-hearted swallow, not daring to look at his companion. _

"_Yes," the shinigami confirmed tersely. It did not seem the best course of action to elucidate the rarity of family dying at different times locating each other, so he remained mute on the subject. For both their sakes, the boy needed to move past his regrets and on to his final destination quickly. However, for some reason, the boy did not seem to be ready yet. _

_The low buzz of the summer afternoon reigned over them. Laughing pairs of teenagers arm-in-arm, giggling children with smiling mothers grasping small hands tightly, elderly couples drinking in the familiar sights; all strolled nonchalantly through the quiet pair. Several flies buzzed in ascending spirals by the candy shoppe door, waiting impatiently for the door bell to chime, signaling an opening into the cool sweet haven._

_At last, the boy broke their stillness in the midst of the irrelevant bustle. "Actually, there is one thing I regret to leave behind…"_

_Behind his solemn exterior, the shinigami smirked to himself. Of course there was something else. Considering the serious nature of the boy, it was probably a school crush that he was staring at within the candy shoppe. Ah, young love…_

_The small child glanced hesitantly at the black-clad sentinel, then back at the window. "You see, I never got the chance to…"_

"_Yes?"_

_The boy fixed his eyes nervously downwards, rubbing the top of one dirty foot on the back of his calf. He finished his confession in a rushed mumble. "Um… to try cotton candy ice cream."_

"What?_"_

"_To try cotton candy ice cream." The boy finally looked the shinigami full in the face, imploringly. "Can't you see it? Two pretty colors in one scoop! Blue _and_ pink!"_

"_You mean to tell me, you are not ready to move on because you have not tried a new ice cream flavor?" This was a new one. He wasn't sure he was equipped to handle this._

"_Er, I know it sounds silly, but, haven't you ever felt this way before? That you just _have _to know what it tastes like? I mean, you're a kid too!"_

_He could feel the veins throbbing in his forehead. Of course he had to run into one of _these. _"Tch, you already know that you are dead, _kid. _Obviously, you cannot eat anything, much less taste it," Hitsugaya Taicho answered, perhaps a bit more harshly than he meant to, despite the hated insult. He scowled, scratching at his neck irritably in the oppressive heat. _

"_You mean, you don't have a way for me to eat real food after I'm dead?"_

"_No, sorry."_

"_Then what is _that?"

That, _as indicated by the demanding boy's pointed finger, was a limp body draped on a park bench across the street from the insubstantial pair. Except for clothes and animation, every feature was an exact copy of the diminutive Taicho. _

"_You mean to tell me that that body isn't yours, and that it can't eat?"_

_The sun-bleached pale-blond hair of the dead child suddenly rippled with a life of its own as the boy rose higher from the ground, staring down accusingly at the small shinigami. For the first time in this mission, Hitsugaya was swept by a feeling of uncertainty. _

"_After all I've been through, you'd _lie _to me?"_

_Hitsugaya ran a tongue along his lips. He wasn't nervous, of course; it was just the sun's heat was so stifling here. "Actually, I did not lie to you. You asked if there was a way for _you_ to eat; you would not fit in that body. Gigai are interesting like that, they – "_

"_I don't care! I want cotton candy ice cream! COTTON CANDY ICE CREAM!" The impassioned shouting of the small boy dissolved into wordless wailing as he threw a hearty temper tantrum, silent to all except the speechless shinigami. _

_Hitsugaya stood rooted to the spot in horror, completely out of ideas. However, as soon as he determined to request backup or at least advice and reached for his soul pager, several things occurred simultaneously. The links of the konpaku chain shattered, the boy's screaming took on a deeper yet more piercing note, and from the hole in the boy's chest where the chain originated and from his mouth, viscous white fluid began spewing. _

_With an inarticulate roar of his own, Hitsugaya brought the hilt of his zanpakuto smashing down upon the forehead of the boy before any of the liquid reached his skin. Oblivious to the impact, the boy immediately stopped screaming, a look of peaceful confusion stealing across his innocent features as his ghostly image dissolved. _

_A perfect black butterfly drifted unhurriedly from the scene, wafted ever upwards by the scorching summer winds. Hitsugaya Taicho wiped the beaded sweat from his forehead. Another soul sent on without casualties. He trudged back towards his motionless gigai, melding and separating from the swiftly moving suburban vehicles, the mirage of heat waves from the street contributing to the disconcerting rhythm of his passage. He hadn't had the heart to tell the kid how cotton candy ice cream tasted to him from a gigai. Some dreams were better unbroken. _

Back in the present, the short Taicho shuddered, resolving to hold his peace on the issue.

_**Anakin, please pass this message on to Corusant.**_

As Obi-Wan relayed the information obtained during his Geonosis reconnaissance, Renji again looked bewildered.

"Oh yes… Obi-Wan followed the bounty hunter Jango Fett to this planet full of termite-like aliens, and found Count Dooku leading the rebelling Seperatists there." Momo supplied helpfully.

"Count Dooku… Count Dooku… why does that name seem familiar?" Renji pondered.

"Maybe because in the beginning, the Jedi said that, since he was once a member, that

_**He could never assassinate anyone; it's not in his character.**_

Nemu recalled, imitating Mace Windu' evaluation of the rogue Jedi near flawlessly.

"Wait… he was a model Jedi, then betrayed them… and now is leading a rebellion against them…" Renji's thought process was clear.

"Yeah, but if he's like anyone, I'd say he was more like Ichimaru Gin than Aizen. You'll see why later," Ichigo forestalled any spoken conclusions of Renji's outright comparisons.

Matsumoto humphed. "At least Gin is hotter."

"Actually, I think he might be more like Tosen; he likes talking about how he's on the right side when he's with Obi-Wan, even though he probably doesn't really mean it," Orihime ventured.

"What? Are you saying that that painted guy was like Gin then? Hmm, I guess he did have a longer sword than everyone else like Gin's Shinso, but really…" Matsumoto mused appraisingly.

"Maybe you should stop comparing obviously completely unrelated people, and start watching the movie," her Taicho suggested, slightly annoyed by all this talk of that supremely irritating Ichimaru Gin.

The Shinigami followed the action closely as Anakin, Padme, R2-D2, and the new addition of C-3PO landed on Geonosis in hot pursuit of the captured Obi-Wan and became ensnared in the droid-making factory, resulting in the prompt capture of the former pair. All too soon, the Jedi and the senator were loaded in a cart, destined for their final doom in the execution arena.

_**I truly, deeply, love you.**_

The music swelled as everyone in the room leaned forward breathless, just like the star-crossed pair slowly drawing closer together. The romantic strains reached their apex as Anakin and Padme finally ki-

"WHERE IS KUROSAKI!" A raucous screech was heard as a large menacing figure skidded to a halt inside the doorway.

"Ichi! Ken-chan's come to play with you!" sang out a childish voice from behind the fearful apparition. Kusajishi Yachiru, the diminutive pink-haired Eleventh Division fukutaicho of nightmares, poked her head around one massive shoulder. "Ah, Ken-chan, there he is!" she exclaimed, pointing straight at the speechless substitute Shinigami. "Didn't I say that my super-super direction sense would get us here quicker?"

"Maybe, but I chose to use the doors. I don't like smashing through walls with you riding on my back," the mountain of a man rumbled.

Yachiru slid off Kenpachi and jumped over to the master of the house. "Hiya, Byakushi!" she greeted him gleefully.

Byakuya pointedly ignored her. "Amazing," he whispered. "Kenpachi Taicho has finally entered my home, but he has not left a scratch!"

As if in response to his words, a delicately balanced calligraphy display near the doorway fell over with a loud crash.

Byakuya lowered his head into his hands and moaned. "This all stems from Kurosaki being here. Abarai Renji, this is exactly what you were supposed to prevent!"

Renji looked affronted. "Me? What could I have done to stop this?"

Byakuya merely shook his head in despair. "I do not know, Abarai. I do not know."

Meanwhile, Kenpachi strode forward, dark bell-bedecked hair tinkling with each resounding step. "So, Ichigo, let's finally have our rematch!" he shouted, grinning unreservedly.

Ichigo regained his scattered wits. "No-no-no! I've told you again and again, I don't want a rematch! Just leave me alone! Go bother someone else! I don't _like_ getting cut up!"

"But if you're as good as everyone seems to think, maybe you won't get cut up. I honestly doubt it, though." Kenpachi Zaraki, Eleventh Division Taicho and lover of all things pertaining to battle, shrugged, moving relentlessly towards Ichigo, who shrank further and further away. "You obviously need toughening up. Stop hiding behind those girls!" Kenpachi commanded as Ichigo cowered behind Orihime and Hinamori. "Fine, if you want it that way…" he said threateningly, raising his reiatsu and reaching easily over the two uncertain figures.

Suddenly, from above their heads, a fierce cry of "Sting, Suzumebachi!" rang out. A lithe dark figure somersaulted in the air directly in front of the would-be attacker. As Soi Fon, the small but intimidating ninja-like Second Division Taicho and Commander of the Special Punishment Forces, landed in a cat-like posture with her claw-like released Zanpakuto extended, she proclaimed curtly, "Stop and desist, Kenpachi Zaraki, or I shall be forced to make you." A loud clang from a falling air vent cover punctuated her icy demand.

Kenpachi stopped pressing forward and lowered his reiatsu by a hair, but he did not back down. "What's going on? Why should I stop?"

Soi Fon never moved a muscle. "I cannot allow you to attack the Substitute Shinigami."

Kenpachi scowled at her irritably. "Since when have you cared what happens to Kurosaki?"

Soi Fon faced him down dispassionately. "I do not care. Orders are orders, and mine are to keep the peace in Sereitei."

"Fine, then," Kenpachi growled through clenched teeth, stepping back and lowering his reiatsu to its normal level. "But I'll remember this. You normally don't bother to spoil my fun. Why were you following me and Yachiru so closely?"

"Because I had nothing better to do." Soi Fon replied, raising herself up to a standing position and allowing her zanpakuto to transform back into a katana. She twirled it by the hilt and sheathed it behind her back. "There has been no new business for the Punishment Force in the past few days, and there are only so many times I can hide secretly and attack my squad members to keep them on their toes before they simply give up and surrender in despair of ever being able to detect me in time. I had noticed an unusual amount of activity centered at the Kuchiki mansion, but since it did not appear to be a threat, I could not investigate as official business. However, when I observed you and Kusajishi zig-zagging your way through Sereitei in that general direction, I determined to find out exactly what was going on."

"Oh, Soi Fon Taicho, I forgot all about informing you of our movie marathon! I am very sorry!" Rukia apologized sincerely.

Soi Fon sighed. "I understand, Kuchiki. It seems to happen to me quite often."

"Well, you're here now," Ukitake Taicho said gently. "Why do you not stay and join us?"

"Of course! You did want to know what we were all doing here, right?" Kyouraku urged her. But his mischevious nature got the better of him, and he could not resist adding, "It is a good thing Shihoin isn't with you. They do say curiosity kills the cat, you know."

Soi Fon glared daggers at the teasing Taicho. Kyouraku slipped behind Ukitake. "Save me, Juu-chan!"

Ukitake stepped to the side and pushed Kyouraku to the front. "You deserve whatever she does to you, Shunsui, and you know it."

Byakuya interrupted their bickering. "You arrived in time to rescue Kurosaki, Soi Fon Taicho, but you did not appear to give the same foresight to my house."

Soi Fon glanced up at the gaping hole in the ceiling which had once served as an air vent. "Do not concern yourself over it, Kuchiki Taicho. I will send someone from my squad to mend it."

Byakuya sighed. "Yes, you will, but I have learned from long experience with you that ninjas do not make talented repairmen."

Soi Fon brightened. "Perhaps that is the next skill my division members should learn. It could be useful for extended undercover assignments in the real world or the rest of the Sereitei."

"Just as long as they do not practice on my house," Byakuya said feelingly.

The shinigami settled down again and resumed watching as the resourceful Jedi and senator fended off the fearsome predators. Ichigo could feel them observe their moves closely; he hadn't thought before how the three individual fights resembled how shinigami might defend against Hollows in close combat. Soon Yoda, Mace Windu, and the clone troopers descended upon the arena to rescue the beleaguered heroes, whisking them away in pursuit of the fleeing Dooku.

At the scene where Padme fell out of the transport, Rangiku roused herself. "That's right, Ani! Abandon your true love! Let her go without a word! Huh, men," she finished her outburst, crossing her arms irritably. She paused, catching a glimpse of Soi Fon glaring at her outburst disdainfully. Pouting, Rangiku relapsed into silence as the wary Obi Wan and hot-headed Anakin brought the wily Count to bay within the cavernous hangar.

For some reason, the citizens of Sereitei were completely unfazed by the sight of Anakin's arm being sliced from his body. As he thudded into Obi-wan's prone form, they serenely waited for someone else to suddenly appear to save them from Dooku's attack. Ichigo realized he should not have been surprised. After all, when the Shinigami themselves were stuck in a lurch, didn't he himself always appear like a genii from a bottle, all dressed up in his seamless, ragged bankai gear and ready to save the day?

However, once Yoda arrived to take on his defecting apprentice, the Shinigami roused themselves. "Look at him jumping around! It's so funny, but it really is effective!" exclaimed Rukia.

Matsumoto Rangiku chuckled. "So cute! Just like a fighting frog or bunny."

Renji continued watching the fight appraisingly. "I guess that is exactly how to go about it if your opponent is taller and slower and you are very short," he reasoned.

After he said this, the officers in the room started swinging their heads towards one person. Hitsugaya Toshiro cringed, closing his eyes, but when he opened them, he realized that everyone had passed him over and were considering someone entirely different. With a small sigh of relief, he turned his gaze to the new object of attention.

Kusajishi Yachiru fukutaicho, the smallest seated officer in the Sereitei, met their calculating stares unabashedly. "Whatcha looking at?"

Hinamori Momo voiced what the rest of them were thinking. "Yachiru-chan, do you fight like that?"

Yachiru laughed in her face. "Waddaya mean, Momo-chan? Of course not; I fight like me! I'm famous! I'm the fukutaicho of the Eleventh Squad, the bravest squad there is, and of Ken-chan, the fiercest and fighting-est Taicho in the Soul Society! You've seen me fight!"

"Actually, I do not think any of us have," Soi Fon stated thoughtfully. "Not even I. Unless you count terrorizing your division members and anyone else you meet who is not an enemy. In that case, I have seen you fight frequently. And you do not fight like this Yoda then. It is more of a tooth-and-nails tactic."

"Silly-silly Soi Fon! I only do that when I like ya and want to play with ya. I would never fight enemies like that! It would take way too long to kill them dead," she explained condescendingly. She blew out her cheeks in exasperation. "Look, I'll show ya how I fight for reals – anyone got some bouncy balls or pillows or something that you could throw up into the air?"

Byakuya jumped at the mention of pillows. "Er, I don't really think that is– "

Oblivious to the concerned master of the house, Orihime dug her fist into the snack bowl. "How about popcorn?" she offered helpfully.

"No no no. It won't stay Hollow – height long enough. I can fight 'em, but it will be over too quick for you guys to see," she objected, shaking her head vehemently.

Matsumoto pulled some papers out of her sleeves and crumpled them into a large dense wad. "How about my paperwork?"

"MATSUMOTO! How does it count that you complete your paperwork if you use it as target practice for Kusajishi?" her irate captain rounded on her, pulse visible.

"Awww, Taicho, you're so cute when you're angry!" Rangiku replied glibly. "But don't worry. I actually did finish my paperwork for real. These are just some forms that I spilled sake on; I got new copies that I filled out. I was going to throw these away, but I was in such a hurry that I forgot."

"So that's where that smell was coming from. I thought she had spare bottles on her somewhere. Good thing I do instead," Kira noted quietly to Hisagi, patting his sleeves comfortingly. He stopped, rigid, then sighed regretfully. "Oh I forgot, they are Nemu-san's new will-devouring sake…"

"That works, Rangi-chan! Okay, I need maybe six peoples, around me in a circle this big," she directed, moving towards a back corner of the room where it was less crowded and running around in a circle about three meters across. "Each one, throw two big smashed-paper balls high high up when I tell you to, then run back over to the other peoples, okay?"

Rangiku, Hinamori, Nemu, Rukia, Orihime, and Ichigo all got up and brought some of Rangiku's papers, crunching them as they took their positions on the circle.

Kenpachi, silent throughout this whole exchange, started laughing to himself. The effect was intimidating to say the least.

"I really do not like this situation at all. It could be done just as easily outside," Byakuya tried to catch the attention of the young officers and humans, to no avail.

"Relax, Byakuya-kun. It's just paper," Kyouraku Taicho clapped a hand on the young noble's shoulder.

"I understand that, Kyouraku Taicho, but the words 'just paper' when combined with 'Kusajishi Yachiru' no longer posses the same harmless quality," explained an exasperated Byakuya.

"Ah, I see your point." Kyouraku faltered, and glanced at Ukitake Taicho.

The delicate white-haired captain shrugged. "Too late now. All we can do is watch."

He was right. While the Taichos had been conferring, Yachiru had counted off, "One, two, three, NOW!" As one, her six helpers launched their paper balls in the air and ran backwards to what they judged to be a safe distance. The paper wads they threw were dense enough to reach a height of about five meters, touching the ceiling.

As they rose in the air, Yachiru gripped her zanpakuto's handle and whipped it out of her sheath, which she then kicked out of her way and out of the circle of falling paper. Orihime had to jump to avoid it. Initially, Yachiru crouched close to the ground, her zanpakuto, almost as long as she was tall, horizontally in front of her chest held tightly in her left hand; her right she placed behind her blade near to the tip. Her eyes moved rapidly; she appeared to be sensing the motion of her targets. Before they fell half a meter, she exploded into action.

Leaping up and to the left over four meters into the air, she extended her left arm straight out from her body, following with a fluid swinging motion to her left. A clean bold slash cut through three of the balls.

She continued in her trajectory until making contact with the wall to the left of her original position, narrowly missing an antique pottery vase in the corner, landing spider-like. She pushed off with her feet and her right hand, arching her back and holding her blade rigidly straight above her head. This propelled her parallel to the floor, facing the ceiling, straight into two of the paper balls that had been floating directly in front of her original stance; now, they were impaled upon her katana's point.

Before she sailed past the now semicircle of falling paper, she rolled herself up in a somersault, flicking the pierced wads off the tip of her zanpakuto and then drawing it close to her rotating body. Pink hair whipping around her face, she unfolded herself so that she was oriented head down, but accelerating upwards. As she hit the ceiling with her feet, she ran two strides upside down towards the back of her original location, bringing her katana over her head with both hands on the hilt until it was parallel with her back. She then turned to her left and swung her zanpakuto in a perfect three-quarter-circle, extending her arms fully while executing a back-flip; three of the paper targets that had been behind her when they were thrown became six, falling from about three and a half meters.

As her sandals connected with the floor with her facing the wall she had first jumped from, she launched herself up and backwards, holding her zanpakuto perpendicular to her body and behind her head with both her hands. She spearheaded the last remaining paper ball that had been behind her. She allowed it to be thrown across the room by the centripetal acceleration of her blade as she turned one hundred eighty degrees and regained a ready stance with her thrumming katana in front of her, point up, back in her left hand.

All this had taken place in less than two seconds. Now, she faced the last three targets, the ones that had been thrown on her right at the start of her demonstration. Her eyes narrowed as she waited a heartbeat for them to fall within the reach of her blade. As soon as they dropped another meter, she whirled her zanpakuto faster than the eye could follow; shreds of paper rained down upon her head, none more than a sugar lump in size. Before any could land on the floor, Yachiru leaped back to her sheath and whisked her zanpakuto back inside.

For a few seconds afterwards, dead silence reigned in the room.

"So, in a few words, you do fight like Yoda," summarized Hitsugaya.

"What! Weren't you watching, Shiro-chan? I didn't fight like the Yoda-chibi! Do I have to do that all over again?"

"I am NOT Shir-"

"You bounced off walls," interrupted Matsumoto.

"Sure, Rangi-chan, but everything else was different!"

Soi Fon thought about it for a moment. "But how would you propel yourself in an open environment, Kusajishi-fukutaicho?"

"Silly! I bounce off of the enemies. It's easier to do it here though, 'cause Byakushi's walls don't fall over as easily as the enemies do," Yachiru explained enthusiastically.

'Byakushi' stared alternately at his recently endangered antique vase and the littered sake-smelling floor mournfully. "With you around, Kusajishi, it is a wonder that they do not."

Orihime grinned at Yachiru. "But you did look so cute, jumping around like that! You can be our little Yoda!" She squealed with excitement. "You'll need to talk backwards, though."

"Ha, I can do that, Jiggle-chan!" Yachiru declared proudly. "Hrm – chibi-Yoda I am, fight good, I can. Powerful fukutaicho am I!"

"So cute!"

"Huh, I never knew you were a lefty, like Ikkaku," Ichigo remarked. "Is that why you left your right-hand targets until last? That seems sloppy."

"No, Ichi, that's not why. It's 'cause Ken-chan is usually on my right side. By the time I get around to that side, the enemies are normally all dead. But if Ken-chan is busy with others and leaves them for me, then I chop them up real good!" She smiled at her 'Ken-chan,' who grinned fiercely back at her.

"Ah, well, I guess I won't ever hang out on your right side, then," Ichigo gulped.

With that question settled, everyone observed the conclusion of the episode, as Jedi and senator returned to Coruscant; Yoda expressed his concerns over the impending conflict this battle engendered between the Republic and the Separatists, and Anakin and Padme were married. As the final strains of their love theme led into the closing credits, two newcomers entered the viewing room.

Isane looked around the room brightly. "My, it looks like you all are having a lot of fun!"

Unohana beamed at everyone gently. "It certainly does, Isane." Her sharp eyes flickered around the seated Shinigami searchingly, before finally resting upon the Thirteenth Division Taicho. "Have you seen Kurotsuchi Taicho here at all today?"

"Yes, Unohana Taicho. He was here earlier, for a request from you, he said. He said he had gathered enough data and left while ago," Ukitake informed her seriously.

"Ah, very good. Well, Hinamori-san, how are you feeling after all this fun?" Unohana asked the small girl with a smile.

"Oh, I am feeling fine, Unohana Taicho! But perhaps I should go rest a bit – I am a little tired," Momo answered prudently.

Yachiru, who had been listening to something Rangiku was whispering in her ear with shining eyes and a mischievous smirk, interrupted the conversation. "Yup yup, Momo-chan, you should rest up, if you want to stay awake for the man-DA-tory Shinigami Women's Association's slumber party tonight after the next movie at Shiro's place! You better show up too, Medic Duo!"

"Of course, Madame President, we shall certainly be attending." Unohana bowed gravely to the exuberant pink-haired child.

"Wait a minute – at our division? When did I ever agree to this? Matsumoto, this is all your doing, isn't it?" Hitsugaya rounded on his grinning fukutaicho belligerently.

"Aw, Taaaaichooo, you know the office is plenty big enough for the SWA and that you won't be needing it tonight! What's the harm? None of us will steal your precious paperwork," Rangiku teased him good-naturedly.

"I know there's little enough chance of you coveting the division's paperwork, Matsumoto. But still, you need to learn to follow the proper procedure before deciding everything on your own," Hitsugaya chastised.

"I'll add one day to our agreement." Rangiku played her ace.

"Done!"

"Now that you are both here, would you like to stay to watch the next movie?" Ukitake Taicho invited the Fourth Division officers warmly.

"I regret that I have duties that will take me the remainder of the day to complete," Unohana Taicho declined politely but firmly. "But perhaps Isane would care to stay?"

"Really, Taicho?" The silver-haired fukutaicho gazed at her superior rapturously. "May I?"

"Of course, Isane."

"Hooray! Move over, Kiyone!" Isane threw herself down on the corner of the Third Seat's cushion, hugging her knees and giggling. "So, what did I miss?"


	6. Episode 3: Revenge of the Ryoka

I know this is so delayed in coming – so I put the A/N at the end. For now, just a disclaimer/warning:

I do not own Bleach, Star Wars, or Batman and the Dark Night franchise, their respective characters, or anything pertaining to them. The lines bolded and italicized come from the Star Wars movies (and some may be inexact), so I don't own them either.

I did mention Batman – there is a Dark Knight spoiler at the end, so if you haven't seen that movie and are planning to, maybe you should wait to read this.

Here's the story now!

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

_**War!**_

_**The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Sith Lord, Count Dooku.**_

_**There are heroes on both sides. Evil is everywhere.**_

Far from being intimidated by these threatening words, Kotetsu Kiyone let loose a little squeal and hugged her sister's arm enthusiastically. "Isn't this an exciting story, Sis? You get all of it now that we've explained it, right?"

Her taller sister just frowned thoughtfully at the screen, the scrolling captions reflected in her eyes. "Yes, Kiyone, I think I understand, but what I don't get is… if the Separatists have the Chancellor, and they have that ability to, what was it called, um, hy-"

"They would run into all the surrounding ships if they used hyperspace," Hitsugaya Taicho interrupted in a flat monotone, eyes still fixed on the daring twists and turns of the Jedi fighters through the wreckage and intermittent fire.

Isane appeared to accept this explanation for a moment, but knit her brows again as a new thought occurred to her. "But if they're the en-"

"Even if they are the evil side, they would still be damaged by colliding with so many ships."

"Oh." Satisfied with the diminutive Taicho's elaboration, the Fourth division fukutaicho settled in happily to observe Anakin and Obi-wan's narrow entry into the Separatist flagship.

Kira, watching the exchange, leaned over to whisper to his companion. "How did Hitsugaya know everything Kotetsu-san was going to say before she said it?"

Hisagi shrugged. "Well, I suppose it must have something to do with white hair. Definitely can't be a height connection."

They both felt a prickling chill accompanied by a frustrated growl, "I heard that."

Matsumoto Rangiku decided it was time to redirect the audience's attention with the first thing that came to mind. "Er, don't you think that Anakin's hair looks much better now? Didn't I say that a little more length would do it?"

Isane nodded distractedly. "It does look nice. Too bad Hinamori-san already left to go rest; I've got a vague feeling that she'd really like this hairstyle. I wonder why…"

Rangiku scratched at her hair thoughtfully. "You know, I thought that first thing too. I really don't know why though…"

They forgot all about the puzzle as Anakin and Obi-wan lit up their lightsabers and assumed an offensive stance against Count Dooku. Everyone watched entranced as they fought across the chamber imprisoning Chancellor Palpatine until Anakin brought the devious Count to his knees.

_**Do it!**_

Palpatine's hiss bled into the whine of Anakin's lightsaber as it smoothly separated Dooku's head from his shoulders.

"That was certainly… unexpected. And fast too. It took them the whole movie to kill the first Sith," Hitsugaya Taicho observed.

"They must have even more climactic battles planned for this film then. Perhaps I can learn something from their methods," Soi Fon Taicho visibly brightened at this notion. Her companions appeared as though they had just eaten something rather unpleasant instead.

"Actually, if you consider the fact that they didn't manage to defeat a Sith in the last installment, then their overall Sith-slaying rate has actually decreased," offered Yumichika.

"Huh, he's right, actually." Renji appeared ready to let the matter drop, then did a double-take. "Wait, when did _you_ get here?"

Ayesagawa Yumichika, fifth seat of the Eleventh Division, waved the matter aside airily. "Oh, we've both been here for a while now. Since around the time Taicho came in, in fact." At the word "both," the assembled company craned their necks back towards the befeathered man reclining against a wall behind them. They strained their eyes in the dark room until they could detect the presence of his faithful companion, Madarame Ikkaku, third seat of the same division.

"Odd of you two, being so sneaky." Zaraki Kenpachi rumbled, raising a massive eyebrow.

Yumichika cleared his throat. "Well, we didn't want to just go and announce our arrival, becau-"

He was cut short by a pink blur emitting a siren-pitched noise resembling "Cueball!" – it was difficult to discern because of the marked Doppler effect – and the chomp of small sharp teeth on Ikkaku's shiny bald head.

"That's why," Yumichika clarified.

_**He was too dangerous to be left alive.**_

_**It's not the Jedi way.**_

_**It's only natural. He took your hand, you wanted revenge.**_

"That's… that's so… dark. Are you sure he's a good guy?" Isane, repulsed by Palpatine's manipulative justification, whirled toward her little sister.

"Uh, I think so. I mean, I'd be awful mad if someone cut off _Taicho's_ hand. Maybe not enough to cut off their head, but probably enough to slap them!"

"I'd slap them first!"

"Would not!"

Would too!"

"Third seats…"

Unfortunately, the moral implications of the Chancellor's remarks were lost on other members of the audience, particularly those who had been there for the entire marathon and whose attention spans were shortening rapidly as a result. "You know, I approve of Anakin's hairstyle change too," Rukia chimed in randomly. Prodding Ichigo, she whispered loudly, "Maybe you should consider growing your hair out. Instead of being all spiky to intimidate everyone by impersonating some kind of punk, you could try for a more mature, dignified look like Anakin's."

Rukia's well-intentioned fashion advice was cut short by a couple of wet hacking coughs.

_**General Skywalker… I expected someone of your reputation to be a little… **_**older.**

_**General Grievous… You're shorter than I expected.**_

Ichigo raised an eyebrow after Anakin's pointed comeback. "More mature, huh? Anyway, at least I can give a good intimidating impression with my _height_, unlike certain midgets I know."

"U-um, I think your hair looks fine, Kurosaki-kun…" Orihime ventured placatingly. Unfortunately, this brought little comfort to the seething Rukia.

Neither did it benefit the tenth division fukutaicho, who had clapped her hands in horror over her short superior's ears at the last turn in the conversation. "Why, oh why does every party I manage to drag Taicho to always bring up height?" she wailed.

The object of her concern, who fortunately had been more preoccupied with the artificial arachno-humanoid than with the bickering substitute duo, merely scowled and removed her hands.

The other Taicho present also were engrossed in the mechanical General's vicious display of power. "It makes you wonder why we bothered using modified dead bodies as vessels for the Gikonpaku soldiers when we could have designed something like that – artificial, but definitely effective," the Eighth Division leader commented, adjusting his pink haori thoughtfully.

A distraught Kira nearly leapt upon both him and Nemu. "Please, Kyouraku Taicho, do not give the Twelfth Division any more ideas!"

Byakuya looked down at the jumpy new threat to his floral arrangements and calligraphy stands with concern. "I do not think Kyouraku Taicho was advocating using Gikonpaku for any purpose regardless, Kira fukutaicho," he stated warily.

Ukitake chuckled wryly. "If they had done that, it would have been difficult for any Shinigami to tell which being was in need of soul cleansing. Now that I think about it, that faceplate of General Grievous… are you certain that recording devices have no ability to display spiritual entities?"

Ikkaku, who had finally managed to remove the gaping maw of his hungry (or maybe extremely late teething) fukutaicho from his head, looked fascinated at this development. "Do you think that Grievous is a Hollow, Ukitake Taicho?"

The pale Taicho just shrugged noncommittally.

"That's ridiculous guys…" Ichigo began.

"It is impossible to determine now. Hopefully he will return later in the film so that we may observe his behavior more closely," Nemu remarked, pointing at the cackling General punching buttons as his escape pod fled the scene.

_**Can you fly this thing?**_

… _**What's left of it.**_

"Now, that's got to be completely unrealistic," Isane stated, gesturing to the brightly burning wreck on its slalom course towards the surface of Coruscant.

"What I find unbelievable is that they were able to bring that ship down on a densely populated planet without crushing anyone," Yumichika countered. On cue, the observation tower at the edge of the crashing ship's path of destruction crumpled to ground. "Well, almost anyone," he amended, wincing.

His ever-cheerful fukutaicho took it upon herself to console him with a few well-meant pats on the head. Unfortunately for him, they weren't quite as well-placed, as they took the form of a couple of whacks to his feather-bedecked eyebrow. "Now, now, there needn't have been anyone in that silly tower, anyway. They've got a lot of machines doing the boring jobs."

"Oh look, there's Jar Jar!" Kiyone pointed to the good-natured amphibionoid tagging along with the assembling Senators.

"Huh, so it is. I nearly missed him," Rangiku said, squinted at the screen.

"Poor guy, I think that's the last time he's in the movies at all. It seems like a lot of people were actually happy about that though," Orihime noted.

"I appreciate Jar Jar Binks."

The redhead turned to catch the solemn admission, and found herself staring into the somber eyes of the head of the Kuchiki clan. Unsure of how to respond, she settled for a simple smile and turned back towards the front of the room.

_**Anakin… I'm pregnant.**_

The gasps of the audience made the scene resemble something from a heart-wrenching soap opera rather than from a space opera. The verbal reactions were a bit more varied.

"Well, I guess that's to be expected. It's been a few years since the last episode, right?"

"If Anakin Skywalker's hair is 5 centimeters longer than it was previously, and if you estimate that it grows at a rate of approximately 3.2 centimeters per year…"

"… I imagine that he might manage time for haircuts between battles over the years, Nemu-san."

"Yay babies!" This comment was accompanied by much giggling and a flurry of pink hair as the speaker jumped up and down on a less enthusiastic third seat's shoulder.

_**What are we going to do?**_

"You mean that they haven't told anyone they're married yet?"

"Secret unions are never a good idea. If you are certain that you are making the right decision, even if those associated with you may not approve, take responsibility for your actions, inform those who have a right to know, and accept the consequences. That is what a true noble should do. Remember this, Rukia."

"Of course, Nii-sama! I shall write it down in my Chappy notebook immediately!"

Some more minutes of the film passed peacefully to the sounds of Rukia scribbling, far more than was warranted by her clan head's comment. Curious, Orihime stole a look, and was puzzled to find bunnies flying around the words on what looked like slices of pizza and a rocket-propelled dust bin with a bear head zooming along a margin. If she squinted a little and tilted her head a lot, she could begin to imagine the latter image was R2, but was interrupted from deciphering the pizzas.

_**How can you do this? It's outrageous. It's unfair! How can you be on the Council and not be a Master?**_

As Anakin huffed to the Jedi Council announcing his new Chancellor-requested appointment, Hitsugaya Taicho asked, "Kurosaki, you are not upset by your substitute station, are you?"

Ichigo replied without hesitation. "Of course not."

"Actually, it sounds like Kurosaki-kun's situation is more like the opposite of Anakin's – he gets the respect and authority without having to sit in on any briefings," Ukitake Taicho reasoned.

"Wait – I have authority?" This interjection was met by a groan from his friendly unseated Shinigami – slash – slavedriver.

"You'll get even more if you want to become a full Shinigami. We're remarkably short-staffed, so I can, well, help rush you through the process, so to speak," Soi Fon Taicho offered magnanimously.

"Er, no thanks, I'm good for now," Ichigo gulped, correctly guessing the "process" to which she referred.

_**Be wary of your friend the Chancellor.**_

"Why will Anakin not listen? Obi-Wan is one of his oldest friends!" Hitsugaya looked for the first time visibly upset.

_**Why are you asking this of me?**_

"Chancellor Palpatine is a rather old friend as well. It is a hard choice to make, being forced to go against one of two lifelong friends or mentors, when you don't know all the facts," Kyouraku Taicho explained gently.

_**The Council is asking you.**_

"Then, there is the issue of obligation – as well as treason," Byakuya pointed out helpfully.

_**He will not let me down. He never has.**_

Obi-Wan's words of faith to the doubting Mace Windu and Yoda somehow compelled Matsumoto to reply, "If you know your friends well enough and can put all your trust in one person's word, the correct decision could never be clearer. I guess Anakin does not know where to put his trust yet."

_**What if the Republic has become the very evil we were fighting to destroy?**_

"Well, now that two of his best friends are in agreement that something's wrong, you'd think his choice would be pretty clear on who he should side with," Yumichika reasoned, absorbing Padme's arguments to Anakin.

_**This war represents a failure to listen… Please, ask him to stop the fighting…**_

_**Don't ask me that. **_

"Can you really base everything on what others say? How can you know the full truth without finding out for yourself? No matter what the situation may look like, no matter what your friends believe, there may always be another explanation no one considered. How can you go against everything you have always believed in despite that?" Soi Fon stopped herself with some difficulty, her own impassioned outburst taking herself by surprise.

_**I know they don't trust you… I have to admit, my trust in them has been shaken.**_

Amidst the eerie sonorous tones of the Senate entertainment before Anakin and the Chancellor, a quiet voice spoke. "I guess, if you can't know who is right, if you have loved ones on both sides, what should you do? Should you fight to defend, do the minimum amount of damage, and hope for the best? I mean, I don't know if Anakin has that option, but…" Isane trailed off, a haunted look in her eyes, remnants from when two dearest people, her Taicho and her sister, fell on opposite sides of a battleline on a raging cliff.

_**The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way – including in their quest for greater power.**_

_**The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inwards – only about themselves.**_

_**And the Jedi don't?**_

"We've all been taught that we are here to save everyone and to trust our superiors – but what happens when those two things conflict? We've never had to deal with that before! How are we supposed to know our own way is the right way when we all have our own demons inside us?" Hisagi muttered, eyebrows knit together fiercely.

_**Darth Plagueis the Wise… he could even keep the ones he cared about… from dying.**_

"Even if you can find the path you should take, it can be very hard to go against someone you love and put the others depending on you in danger for your beliefs." Ukitake Taicho elaborated, voice wavering as he carefully formed his thoughts into words.

"Then, I guess you just have to get stronger until you can make the right choice as well as protect your friends, even if they don't listen when you warn them," Renji decided, face serious.

"But – how can you be sure you can do that every time?" Kira asked in a low voice, remembering a time when he felt he only had the ability to choose one, and held onto the more sure of the two, only to nearly lose both.

Rukia, intently silent throughout the whole exchange with memories of a day when she allowed the sword of fate to fall on an innocent human boy, finally spoke. "I do not know."

Orihime stared at them all openmouthed. "Wow, that's so deep."

All the Shinigami in the room stiffened, realizing what they had said.

"That… did not happen, Inoue-san," Hitsugaya Taicho stated decidedly.

Orihime looked puzzled. "Really? Because I'm pretty sure…"

"Do not worry, Inoue-san, nothing of any importance was said just now. I am sure you have forgotten it all, right, Shunsui?" Ukitake Taicho asked brightly.

"Yes, she's a smart girl, so of course she has, Jushiro," his friend replied.

Ichigo, much quicker to get the hint, slapped a hand over his protesting friend's mouth. "Toshiro was right. Nothing happened. Okay, Inoue?"

Eager to please, Orihime allowed his hand to keep muffling her and gave him a thumbs-up, smiling.

A bit more of the movie passed in silence, as now many felt too self-conscious to speak. (Seriously – if their subordinates heard about this, their street cred – or the Soul Society counterpart – would be history! Except for Ukitake Taicho – his division didn't mind his introspective nature any more than the blood stains they always had clean up after his attacks, so great was their admiration for their Taicho.) They did loosen up a bit to gasp admiringly at General Grievous's display of swordsmanship as he closed in on the Utapau-infiltrating Obi-Wan.

"Four arms… I could be so much more effective with four arms! Of course, for attacks, I would need four Zanpaku-to," Nemu calculated.

"Now that I think about it… do you _have _a Zanpaku-to, Nemu-san? I can't remember Ishida-kun mentioning one," Orihime asked curiously.

The addressed fukutaicho merely stared back at her. After a few seconds, she finally decided some response was in order. "Is it not obvious?"

Rukia frowned, considering. "Actually, not really."

Nemu apparently felt she had wasted enough time discussing her (alleged) Zanpaku-to. She turned back to face the screen, ending the conversation with "It should be."

_**I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi.**_

When the scene shifted back to Coruscant with Mace Windu outlining his plan to test the Chancellor's intentions in perpetuating war, there were more than a few confused expressions.

"They're testing him by how he responds to wartime reports? But isn't it his job to order their next move and their job to obey him during war?" Matsumoto asked, confused.

"Yeah, seriously, what's wrong with fighting all the strong enemies until there aren't any left?" Ikkaku commented, lazily cleaning his ear.

"Ikkaku… I'm pretty sure that wasn't what she was talking about," Yumichika said slowly, a slight frown tilting his feathers.

"They're not following him out of loyalty or trust, Matsumoto. They're just the servants of the Republic, and he is just the elected official of the Senate – or at least, that is what he supposed to be," Hitsugaya Taicho explained.

"Elected official? That's a strange system," Soi Fon Taicho lifted one eyebrow at the notion.

"Who cares, as long as he's strong?" Zaraki Kenpachi finally contributed to the conversation.

_**You're the Sith lord!**_

"Er, I think quite a few will now," Kira responded for all of them, wincing.

"I knew it!" Hitsugaya looked proud of himself.

"So that's why the picture was focused on him when Yoda and Mace Windu were talking about the Sith master! I pointed it out, but from what you said, I thought it must have been a coincidence!" Rukia spun to face Ichigo, seething.

"He said 'who knows,' Kuchiki-san," Orihime reminded her, index finger skyward.

"Seriously – what would you have done if I told you you were right then, Rukia?" Ichigo asked depreciatingly.

"Made you sorry for it," she answered promptly.

The poor boy sighed. "I just can't win, can I?"

"That is a little shocking to take in," Ukitake Taicho noted. Ichigo was about to agree with him, but realized he was still focused on the screen, not the substitute-Shinigami sideshow.

"It is rather unusual, to have the head commander be the traitor – actually, the leader of both forces, if I understood the previous scenes correctly. That actually… explains quite a lot," Byakuya grew silent as the pieces fell together.

They were distracted from their evolving revelations from the scene rejoining Obi-Wan in his desperate struggle against the droid general Grievous. All the new watchers focused on the intense fight between the two, right to its loud, incinerating conclusion.

_**So uncivilized.**_

As a disgusted Obi-Wan threw down the blaster beside the General's smoking frame, Soi Fon Taicho nodded curtly. "At least _someone_ gets it," she muttered, vindicated.

_**We must act quickly if the Jedi order is to survive.**_

The Shinigami watched with drawn faces as the small Jedi envoy boldly confronted the Chancellor, expressions darkening as each Master fell in turn.

"I rather wish he had brought Anakin right about now," Renji commented Mace Windu entered his deadly duel.

"Oh, here he comes!" Isane pointed as the called-for hero raced to the rescue. "Now they'll be okay!"

She was forced to amend her declaration as Mace Windu's hand flew out the window.

"Wait – what just happened?" Hisagi asked, unsure of what he was seeing.

"He just… _let_ Master Windu be electrocuted?" Kira's tone mirrored his friend's disbelief.

_**Henceforth you shall be known as Darth Vader.**_

"I thought he was the hero!" Renji objected, outraged.

Naturally, their confusion and indignation only grew with Order 66 and the Jedi Temple massacre.

"Oh – did Anakin secretly hide all the Jedi children away to protect them from the clone soldiers?" Matsumoto asked hopefully as the scene cut away.

"I do not think so, Matsumoto," her Taicho answered gravely as they witnessed the last stand of the youngling as Bail Organa fled the Temple.

"I didn't say anything earlier, Ichigo, but now – what is this? This is terrible!" Rukia's face tore something inside Ichigo.

"I'm sorry – I guess maybe I should have shown you these in the other order," he apologized.

"So – if I knew what happens after, I would know that things get better?"

"Much better."

"Okay – I'll trust you." She shifted in her seat, then looked back at him with ire. "But is this really appropriate for younger people to watch?"

"What younger people? You're all Shinigami, and – oh no, Yachiru!" He looked wildly in what he thought would be her direction, only to find a Yachiru-sized vacancy by her Taicho's side – he could almost see a dashed line tracing her outline. "Where did she go?"

"Oh, I asked her for some leeks and red bean paste just a little while ago. I thought maybe she didn't really need to see this bit," Orihime explained.

"Good thinking, Inoue! Er, but what are you planning to do with leeks and red bean paste?" Rukia blinked, cut off by a pink blur running past and depositing something in Orihime's hands.

"Hmm?" the human girl asked politely, jar open and a leek already in her mouth.

"Never mind," Rukia responded just as civilly.

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

_**Stop, Anakin! You're going down a path I can't follow! **_

A poorly suppressed sob and ragged breath was heard from behind the 10th Division Taicho, who was sitting quietly upon his cushion. He raised an eyebrow and scooted a little to the side, revealing an almost prostrate Kira cowering in his shadow, trying to choke down his tearful outburst in vain. Upon noticing the eyes of his fellow Shinigami trained on his grief-wracked form, he surreptitiously drew a clean disposable tissue from his sleeve, and dabbed at his eyes, shoulders shaking.

A rumbling noise slowly built up right next to Kira. Suddenly, with the impetuous force of a dam failing, Hisagi Shuuhei broke out in dry, wracking sobs. He regained control of himself almost immediately, but was still plagued by sniffling. He raised his forearm to his nose to hide the problem, but was stopped from such an unhygienic action by Kira, who pulled out an entire box of tissues from his shihakusho sleeve and placed it in front of them both. Hisagi, touched by Kira's sympathetic gesture, began sniffling even louder, causing both friends to begin wailing together in raucous discord. At each moan of "Taichooo!" from the pair, Hitsugaya Toshiro shook his head in disgust.

However, their longtime friend and comrade in mischief could no longer hold herself aloof from such a display of sorrow. "Bwaaa! Giiiiin! WHYYYY!?" Matsumoto Rangiku shrieked, throwing her arms around her nearest comfort, her Taicho. Ichigo dearly wished he had brought his camera with him as he watched Toshiro's face as Rangiku buried her head nose first into the small Taicho's neck, lamenting noisily and wetly with occasional muffled cries of "No!" and "Baka!" emerging.

Such a sentimental scene was rather uncomfortable for most of the manly 11th Division. Kusajishi Yachiru, for once in her short (after)life, was rendered speechless, her open mouth almost as round as her disbelieving eyes. Zaraki Kenpachi merely snorted disdainfully. "I'm glad none of you are acting like wimps too. That would be the last straw."

Yumichika inhaled delicately, slipping a brightly coloured handkerchief from his sleeve. "Actually, this emotional display has touched me deeply, Taicho. I cannot help but sympathize with the poor fukutaichos betrayed by Taichos they looked up to."

Ikkaku snorted. "Touched my left foot. You just wanted to show off your new handkerchief."

Yumichika brightened visibly. "Oh, do you like it? I bought it during our last visit to the mortal world. I thought it matched my eye decoration rather well."

_**You're breaking my heart!**_

An ear-splitting scream rang out. Everyone present jumped, hands involuntarily ready at their zanpakuto (except for Orihime, who swept hers to her hairpins, which unfortunately for her looked far less heroic). The tension was only slightly lowered with the next rending shriek. "YORUICHI-SAMA!" The 2nd Division Taicho emitted an interminable wordless wail. Copying the 10th Division fukutaicho, Soi Fon latched on to the nearest solid presence, which unfortunately for both concerned, happened to be Zaraki Kenpachi.

He was even less comforting than Hitsugaya Taicho, who was at this point reluctantly patting his hysterical fukutaicho on the back with a long-suffering, almost disgusted look on his face. Zaraki Taicho, however, was paralyzed in shock. He was not senseless enough to fight a sobbing woman, but he had no experience of anyone touching him except in combat, not counting his tiny fukutaicho, who had never cried since the day he rescued her as a baby. Therefore, he sat there frozen, every feature speaking of his mental agony, while his 3rd and 5th seats kept their faces straight as if their lives depended upon it (which, in fact, they might well have), and Yachiru's mouth opened wider than anyone present had ever witnessed.

Ichigo, for the second time in as many minutes, wished he had brought something to record the moment with. Just as he was thinking this, he noticed Orihime sneaking something back into her purse with the tail of his eye. Caught, she smiled at him, half apologetically and half craftily. "I think it will still turn out without flash."

"You have got to send me those," Rukia whispered behind her raised hand.

"Sure thing!" Orihime grinned conspiratorially.

Their whispers were overpowered by unhappy rumbling originating from the cluster of Eleventh Division members.

"Here, I know what to do, Ken-chan," Yachiru said soothingly. She bounded off to a side table, whisked off a cover, and brandished a dark frosted cookie. With three strategic bites which she cleverly concealed the edges of (way too cleverly, in the opinion of those she regularly ate meals with), she transformed its roundness to a passable imitation of a cat face. She then boisterously thrust the cookie in front of the Second Division Taicho. "There now, have a cat cookie and let go of Ken-chan, 'kay?" Yachiru pleaded.

The fuku-taicho's efforts were no match for a century's worth of pent-up grief and loss for her sister-figure. Soi Fon turned away, eyes closed and nosed tinged brown with frosting, still sniffling and clutching the bigger Taicho.

"Wow, this is serious," Yachiru breathed, considering the small Taicho solemnly while painted frosting whiskers on her face. Fortunately for her personal safety, the Onmitsukido Corps leader remained unresponsive.

"It must be. I'm frankly shocked that there are any cookies left after you found them, Yachiru," teased Ikkaku.

His barely-superior sniffed demeaningly. "Feh! I have some self-control! I totally smelled those there hours ago." She spared him a haughty glance, then turned back to the morose heap clamped to her Taicho. "As your President and responsible for the reputation of SWA members everywhere you leave me no choice," she informed her sadly, shifting as if to walk away. Instantaneously, she pivoted and brought the side of her hand down hard on Soi Fon's neck with a primal scream "HYAAA!" that sounded much more manly than Yachiru. Those who were still paying attention to the movie were much less confused, as Yachiru's move actually coincided with a lightsaber swing from the raging Anakin, causing her shout to mingle with his.

Much to everyone else's surprise, Soi Fon actually collapsed, from the karate chop or from emotional exhaustion was anybody's guess. Yachiru lifted her up and away from Kenpachi, smiling widely. "I've always wanted to try that."

"Wow, that is intense," Renji muttered, unencumbered by crying death gods.

"How could two people who love each other like brothers be fighting to the death like that?" Isane agreed, passing along the newly discovered platter of cookies.

"Though, you know, Anakin said that Obi-wan is like a father to him, not a brother," Kira pointed out, nibbling on an upside-down cookie.

"Huh, that does sound complicated," Rukia said, munching her cookie thoughtfully.

"That's not why they're fighting though," Sentaro pointed out.

"She didn't _say_ that's why they're fighting! And don't talk with your mouth full of cookie!" Kiyone exploded, her own cookie crumbling in her righteous indignation.

_**It's no use, Anakin. I have the high ground!**_

"Does the high ground actually give you an advantage?" Hisagi couldn't help but wonder alound around a mouthful of cookie.

Nemu blinked thoughtfully a few microseconds while processing battle data. "Actually, a higher elevation statistically seems to improve the likelihood of our strikes being successful," she informed him seriously.

The cookies finally made their way to Yumichika. "I couldn't help but notice, but everyone's only eaten one cookie, and from the time when I came in, that leaves twenty-six cookies unaccounted for," he observed, turning expectantly to his fuku-taicho.

She grinned morosely, caught with her hand halfway between her secret sleeve stash and her mouth with one of the aforementioned delicacies. "Heh, well, I said I have _some_ self control." She cheekily raised it to her mouth, but then a slight greenish tinge crept up her face. She hastily scooped up the dead-to-the-world Soi Fon lying at her feet and stuffed the cookie in her mouth instead. "You know what? I think this Taicho needs medical attention. I'll be at Doctor-san's if anyone needs me. 'Kay-thanks-bye!" She and her cargo disappeared in a flash of shunpo.

It wasn't a moment too soon. The slamming of the door coincided perfectly with Anakin's scream as his remaining arm and both legs were neatly removed by lightsaber. It might have also coincided with Byakuya's small scream of frustration about the poor treatment of his door and subsequent choke on the cookie in his mouth, but no one can prove that.

Kyouraku Taicho nearly spit out his cookie in indignation. "Obi Wan is really going to just leave Anakin like that? That's too cruel! We'd never do that even to our worst enemies!"

Ukitake Taicho placed his half-eaten cookie thoughtfully on the table. "That's true. Somehow, despite all the things we've done that I'm not all that proud of, at least we can say that we've never done anything like leaving someone burning alive with most of his limbs missing. I mean, I understand that he was too dangerous for Obi Wan to help, but still."

Byakuya sedately wiped his mouth after his drink of milk. Neither of the other two older Taicho knew when or where he procured it, but both were slightly jealous of his cookies and milk. "None of us have fire-type zanpaku-to, so that would be rather impractical," Byakuya intoned.

His two seniors glanced at each other, their sensei on both their minds. "Let's not ask Yama-jii," the pink-robed one decided for both of them.

Surprisingly, the Shinigami settled down to watch the denouement in silence. However, the Padme's death after childbirth was so anticlimactic – and free of blood, a staple in Shinigami ends – that they began to murmer to themselves that her funeral must have been faked. Just as Isane was about to ask for clarification, she was forestalled.

"HOLD IT!" Rukia's call rang out, effectively silencing the murmuring among the Shinigami. "We cannot ask Ichigo anything about the senator!"

"Oh dear…" Orihime knew exactly where this train of thought was (recklessly) running.

"Why not?" Nemu demanded. The idea of voluntarily passing up on free information was completely foreign to the dedicated research assistant.

"Consider it carefully: there's no way for Ichigo to respond without giving the answer away. Therefore, the safest course of action is to assume that the senator is truly dead, and thus either be pleasantly surprised if she is not, or, in the worst case, simply have what we expected verified later on." Rukia nodded to herself, pleased with her brilliant plan.

"Well, I don't know," Hisagi stared at the screen as the twins were delivered to their new homes, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "It sure is difficult to tell, and I mean, when we fight, it's always best to assume that the enemy isn't really beaten unless they're pretty much vaporized, so…"

"Assume the worst: it's safer that way," Kira decided.

"Well, you know, they do have a point," Orihime whispered to Ichigo as the end credits rolled. "The only people who actually say she's dead are the Emperor and Leia, right? What happens if she's actually not? She might come back as Catwoman in Episode VII!"

"Catwoman?" Ichigo asked, justifiably confused.

"Oh, sorry! That's the wrong series!" Orihime rapped the side of her head self-depreciatingly.

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

Are the Shinigami going to be hoping for a reunion that never comes? Are they going to be completely confused by the twins' relationship in the original trilogy? Has Ichigo made a terrible mistake in showing the films in numerical order? Will Padme return triumphantly as Catwoman? All these and more (except that last one, that's just ridiculous) to be answered in the very next chapter!

I'm so sorry that I took so long to write this, and that it is so rough; I've read all your reviews and am so grateful for your reading this little story – you are all so awesome! - but just couldn't figure what to write (except one part, which I've had written for quite a while – can you tell which one?), and instead received other plotbunnies, so check them out if you like. By the way, do you have problems like this? How do you handle it? If you know a way, please let me know! But don't worry, I'm still planning on completing this! Expect a double update next time, too ;)


	7. Episode 4: A New Start

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, Star Wars, their respective characters, or anything pertaining to them. The lines bolded and italicized come from the Star Wars movies (and some may be inexact), so I don't own them either.

A/N: Here is the double update, first installment. I hope you like it. Thank you so much to all who reviewed – I am so grateful!

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

"Before we begin, may I speak with you privately, Kurosaki and Inoue-san?" Without waiting for affirmation, Nemu glided behind a tastefully arranged pot of bamboo stalks. As soon as Ichigo and Orihime joined her, she questioned them, "Are you both familiar with the memory-replacing aerosols employed by living world-stationed Shinigami?"

"Oh yeah, I've seen Rukia shoot off a few at one time or another. I mean, I've never experienced it used on me though – "

"Oh, I have!" Orihime piped up, smiling happily.

Ichigo felt a little nervous, reminded how accepting the cheerful girl was of all the - well, could it really be described as anything but suspiciously odd situations? - her supposed friends put her in almost by clockwork.

"Good. Then, I will be brief. In approximately" - Nemu glanced down at her left knee – "twenty-seven seconds, all of the Shinigami in the room will be placed under a spiritual entity – affecting selective memory replacement that I have introduced into their systems through your convenient Dark Side cookies. It is our first unannounced test run of this drug. It will only affect their memories of the contents of the Star Wars movies that they have already seen, making them not able to recall the plot and specific characters, but able to remember certain aspects associated with the film, such as technology, some of the races or political systems, etcetera. In addition to being made for spiritual entities, this drug is unique in that it is fully reversible, so that function will be tested by returning the removed memories at the end of the film viewing. Any questions?"

"Yes," answered the humans simultaneously. They glanced at each other. "You first," Ichigo motioned politely.

"Why did you look at your knee just then? There's no timer on it," Orihime asked.

"Yes there is. You just aren't able to see it without microscopic vision. Your query, Kurosaki." Nemu prompted.

"Will it affect humans with spiritual powers? Or humans that function as Shinigami?"

"No, as long you are in any aspect alive and human, you will not be affected." At that moment, Nemu's knee emitted a tiny beep. "Ah, it has now taken effect." All three walked back towards the movie watchers.

"This isn't the _first_ time you've tested this out, is it, Nemu-san?" Orihime asked in a low voice.

"No…" The word was barely perceptibly drawn out, filling the two listeners with dread. "The only thing new is… the quantity. I have tested subjects with several concentrations and amounts, but none equal to the total consumed by Kotetsu fuku-taicho. The only one who came close experienced more pronounced phobias for two days afterwards. He could not view large knives during that timeframe without whispering 'hostage' and shrieking." She knit her brows in an actual display of puzzlement.

Ichigo had a very uncomfortable feeling. "Ah, that wasn't… Hanataro, was it?"

Nemu stared at him with genuine surprise. "How did you know?"

Fortunately for the Shinigami substitute, he was saved by the movie starting.

_**It is a period of civil war.**_

_**Princess Leia races home…**_

_**custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy.**_

"Leia… that's a pretty name," Matsumoto smiled happily.

"It sounds familiar… do we know who that is?" Ukitake Taicho asked, frowning in concentration.

"I… can't seem to remember," admitted his pink-robed friend.

"I remember the Galactic Empire was just formed in the last movie, and that it is a bad system, but I do not remember this planet or this ship, or a Rebel organization either," Hitsugaya recollected.

"I remember insisting we watch the next movie because the last one was so sad, but I cannot remember why right now," Rukia muttered, yawning. "Oh well."

"I hope the Princess makes it safely! It looks like she has a big strong ship," Kiyone interjected, observing the Tantive IV gliding regally above Tatooine's airspace despite the constant fire from behind.

"I'm not so sure…" Sentaro trailed off, as the Star Destroyer finally trapped the diminutive diplomatic vessel with its all-encompassing shadow.

"Ulp!" Kiyone swallowed.

Ichigo, bemused as he was by the spotty memories of the Soul Reapers present, couldn't help but agree. Even knowing how the series ran forwards and backwards, the first sight of the Imperial might opposing the rag-tag Rebels is an iconic image. And fortunately, he knew a couple more were due… right about now.

_**Did you hear that? They shot the main reactor! We'll be destroyed for sure! This is madness!**_

As R2-D2 beeped and trundled along his taller fretting friend through the boarding debris, numerous smiles grew on the faces of the assembled Shinigami.

"I'm glad R2 and C-3PO are back," Kira admitted.

They were startled by the blazing entrance of the boarding party and ill-fated last stand of the Aldaraanian crew, and a hushed silence grew as the perhaps most remembered figure of the series paced threateningly into view through the smoke.

"No Imperial March yet though," Orihime whispered to herself.

Several cringed at the Sith Lord's cruel treatment of the vessel's captain, and his harsh command to find the secreted princess. As Darth Vader finally swept off-screen, Ichigo looked around to gauge the reactions of his companions to the quintessential bad guy.

"I know he seems really bad, but…" Yumichika began.

"I know what you mean, I'm not sure what it is…" Hisagi elaborated pointlessly.

"It is the helmet." Byakuya concluded.

Ichigo was confused. "Weren't you just talking about how people who wear glasses and eyepieces are more likely to be evil? Is that what you're talking about now?"

"That was referring to covering the eyes only, not a full helmet," Hitsugaya corrected him.

"Is that… really any different?" Ichigo questioned finally.

"Oh yes!" Isane assured him emphatically.

"Have you met Komamura Taicho, Ichigo?" Rukia queried.

"Who? Oh…" Ichigo just put his face in his hands, unsure whether to laugh or what. "I can promise you guys, he's not a big dog, or fox, or wolf, or whatever. Okay?"

"But you're not telling us who or what exactly he is under all that, are you?" Kyouraku Taicho asked keenly.

"Er, no? He's a person though," Ichigo tried.

"I guess that settles that," Ukitake Taicho decided.

"So, if someone just covers their eyes, they're suspicious, but if they cover all of themselves, or at least their whole head, then they're just trying to look scary? Is that what it is?" Ichigo summed up.

"That sounds about right," Rangiku confirmed after a moment's thought.

"Gah!" Ichigo couldn't accurately enunciate his frustration with Shinigami logic, or lack of it.

_**Darth Vader, only you could be so bold.**_

The now-named masked man was indignantly dressed-down by the slip of a princess held in custody before him.

"I like her style," Rukia said admiringly.

"I think spirals and buns may be more Hinamori's thing. I'd stick with your own style if I were you. Though, those might not look bad on me," mused Rangiku.

"I don't think that's what Kuchiki-san meant, Rangiku-san," Orihime corrected with a quiet giggle, picturing all the assembled girls sporting Princess-hair.

A _shpew_ and the escape pod curving away from the captured vessel introduced the next stage of the adventure. Unfortunately for the swiftly expiring attention spans of the audience, the endless dunes of sand weren't cutting it.

"This is a little boring," Renji finally admitted, as R2 and C-3PO argued beside mammoth remains.

Kyouraku Taicho was quick to hush him. "Please don't say that! Whenever I begin to say that after I take a well-deserved break from my many duties" - his pale-haired friend coughed gently at this description – "that's invariably when Nanao-chan will finally find me and thrust out a stack of forms and say-"

"Sign here, please."

"Just like that!" Kyouraku turned surprised at the voice at his elbow. His compliment for mimicry swiftly shriveled up and died by the piercing glare of his favourite fukutaicho's glasses.

"Here's a pen," Ise Nanao prompted, somehow placing it into his hands, settling the day's forms in front of him, and realigning her glasses into a better position to observe his immediate fulfillment of his duty, all in one motion.

"But, Nanao-chan, I'm attending a Thirteenth-division sponsored marathon," her superior officer tried half-heartedly, already certain of the outcome.

"Which, according to Abarai-fukutaicho, I apparently arrived at the perfect time to prevent you from falling asleep in," Nanao countered.

"Well, I don't know. I kinda like these little guys and their big transport," Kira mumbled quietly, watching the Jawas harass R2 until they finally sucked him into their sandcrawler.

"You are very much welcome to stay and watch the movie with us, Ise-fukutaicho," Ukitake encouraged her gently.

"Oh, and we're all doing a SWA thing after this anyway, Nanao, so that way you won't be late if you hang out here with us," Rangiku called.

Nanao frowned. "Very well, I suppose that will work. Thank you for inviting me, Ukitake Taicho." After another glance at her sighing Taicho scribbling his very reluctant signature on each form, she settled herself close by where she could see both the screen and his progress.

"You didn't miss too much," Rangiku informed her, stifling a yawn. "There's a rebellion against an evil Empire, and after getting captured, a princess has sent some important information to this planet in the care of those two droids that just got captured themselves," she finished briefly, waving a hand at the mechanical duo.

"And who is he?" Nanao asked, nodding at the blue-eyed boy on the sands.

Beru answered for her.

_**Luke! Luke!**_

_**Yeah, Aunt Beru?**_

_**Tell your uncle, if he gets a translator, to make sure it speaks Bacchi.**_

_**Doesn't look like we'll have much of a choice, but I'll remind him.**_

With that enigmatic response, Luke Skywalker, dust-raising pilot and farmboy, bounded off to the droid market, a nostalgic version of the main theme's strains lingering behind him.

"Luke, I guess. I'm not sure if he's important," Rangiku finally answered.

Ichigo and Orihime fought to keep their mouths from twitching.

The rest of those there watched the ensuing droid haggling with some interest. A few glanced at Nemu when C-3PO flaunted the prodigious number of languages he could navigate, but she remained calm. Unlike them, she had not eaten any Dark Side cookies.

_**Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.**_

The ghostly apparition turned and inserted a disk into an invisible slot, only to renew her plea and covert actions again and again.

_**Who is she? She's beautiful!**_

_**That is Princess Leia, a crewmember on our last voyage. A person of some importance I believe.**_

"I do not believe that her importance is quite what Luke is concerned with right now," Nanao opined, eyebrows twitching at the familiar display unique to the opposite gender.

Her Taicho chuckled. "Er, perhaps not," he assented, returning his focus to the paperwork in a show of obedience. Nanao didn't buy it for a minute.

As Luke shuffled into the underground dwelling after R2's disappointing performance, Ichigo heard a small shriek. Startled, he turned towards the source.

Wide-eyed, Rukia raised a shaking finger at the screen straight at the lining of Beru Larson's jacket. "Psychedelic daisies!" she croaked. "Taicho, I didn't know! Will the Soutaicho be angry?"

"Don't worry, Rukia-chan, those aren't psychedelic; as a matter of fact, those aren't even daisies," Kyouraku Taicho answered before his friend, glad for an interruption to his never-ending paperwork. "I suppose we don't have that much smaller busy-patterned stuff over here, so I guess you don't know. But do you remember that one store in the Living World half a century ago?" he asked, turning toward his ever-present partner in crime.

"And remember that one time we brought along Byakuya? Did you ever think he could look like that?" Ukitake reminisced, nudging the aforementioned clan head.

Byakuya merely sniffed and pressed his lips together to make himself look even more forbidding and impossible to exist in close proximity to such foolery as psychedelic daisies.

_**He knew my father?**_

_**I thought I told you to forget it.**_

As Luke processed Uncle Owen's new information regarding Leia's hero Obi Wan, Orihime said sympathetically, "That must be rough, having someone right there who could explain all your past, but who keeps it all a secret from you."

"Hm, yeah," Ichigo muttered, preoccupied with the twin sunset, as Luke peered pensively into his as yet unknown future.

The peacefulness of the evening soon led way into the sandy search for the runaway astromech, punctuated by a ululating screech.

_**Sand people!**_

"That doesn't sound scary, but for some reason, I seem to remember something that contradicts that," Kira mused.

"Well, they certainly don't sound beautiful," Yumichika scoffed.

Onscreen, Luke appeared to disagree with Kira's assessment at least as he cheerfully beckoned to his new protocol droid.

_**Let's go take a look. Come on!**_

His and C-3PO's subsequent beating were only met with long-suffering groans afterwards. Fortunately, old Ben Kenobi managed to both save them and clear up another mystery.

_**I haven't gone by the name of Obi Wan since, oh, before you were born.**_

Orihime gasped. "You know, that's not true! Not even from a certain point of view!"

"Well, he _is _old," Ichigo allowed.

The Shinigami silently absorbed Obi Wan's explanations, the bequeathing of Anakin's lightsaber, and Luke's reluctance to abandon his home for a quest to Alderaan. Their quiet turned into grimness as they listened to Obi Wan's logical analysis of the attack on the Jawas and saw the devastation of what had once been the Lars homestead.

It didn't get much better as the scene cut away to the interrogation of the captured Princess. Isane winced at the menacing droid hovering ever closer. "Ouch, I'm so glad we don't use stuff like that in the medical ward!"

Nemu continued staring passively at the screen. "Actually, we use a remarkably similar device in our division to inoculate the Hell Butterflies. They are markedly difficult to pin down." She paused for a beat. "No pun intended," she clarified. This reminded her of their task to recreate a cauterizing blade, which in turn led her to wonder about its progress silently to herself.

**Elsewhere in the Twelfth Division – **

"_How is that little task for the Fourth Division coming?" asked Kurotsuchi Taicho, slithering up to Akon._

"_The laser itself is performing admirably, but that in itself seems to be the issue. We are currently brainstorming a way to limit its effective length as well as manufacture a durable handle that will not melt during use. We tried a semi-permanent reinforcing kido, but there doesn't seem to be one to increase the thermal coefficient. It is a rather specialized problem. We feel that those two obstacles must be addressed before considering how to manipulate it into a form passing for a normal Zanpaku-to," The horn-bedecked top researcher delivered his status update. He paused for breath, about to continue to relate more detailed information, but was cut off. He wasn't too concerned though. He didn't really want to tell him that the team was billing the project charges for sunscreen purchases to counteract all the lights exposure. _

"_Try a reinforcing kido next. And make it increase the material's insulating properties," Kurotsuchi snapped impatiently._

"_Er, I believe I just said we already tried that. And that a kido like that doesn't exist yet," Akon replied slowly. He decided not to mention that would only address half of failure, and definitely refrained from suggesting his Taicho get his hearing and short-term memory retention investigated. He valued his own much too highly for that. _

"_Oh, that's all? I'm sure you can find a solution to something as simple as _that._" The painted mad scientist spun around, ready to pounce on other unsuspecting researching underlings for an instantaneous progress report, but a particular part of the news began to bug him. "Oh, Akon, you mentioned something about the laser's 'effective length', didn't you? I interpret that to refer to a laser's nasty habit of slicing through whatever it's pointed towards, nearly regardless of distance?"_

"_Yes?" Akon confirmed uncertainly._

"_Was there a particular item that you observed this effect acting upon?"_

_Akon swallowed nervously. "Yes." He sighed, noticing the raised eyebrow indicating it would be wise not to stop there. He really wished he could. "It was… your lab chair, Taicho."_

_The ensuing grimace's grotesqueness was enhanced by the shifting painted stripes which did nothing to hide the succeeding waves of surprise, rage, and regret. "No! I've had that chair longer that I've held my position over the labs! Not my chair!" Kurotsuchi Taicho wailed as he scurried off to pore over the sad heap of scrap metal that was once his prize possession._

_Akon sighed for the second time in less minutes. At least he was safe for the moment. It was totally worth secretly aiming the setup towards that hideous chair during testing._

**Back at Byakuya's house (in case you forgot where everyone else is) –**

_**Moss Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.**_

Those assembled seemed to concur.

"It's like a shady dive for Hollows," Hisagi muttered, gazing bemusedly at the Bithian musicians wailing away at their exotic instruments.

"_That_ one doesn't look like a Hollow," Rangiku noted appreciatively.

_**Han Solo. Captain of the Millennium Falcon.**_

The smooth smuggler and his looming Wookiee copilot ironed out the deal's details in a manner befitting their occupation. The party broke up peacefully enough, except for a little snag.

_**Going somewhere, Solo?**_

Greedo's holdup concluded with twin bangs.

"Oh, so Greedo does shoot first in the DVDs. I'd been wondering about that," Orihime noted.

"Oh, so Han Solo is supposed to be a villain? I would think it would be better for his character if he didn't take the first shot," Hitsugaya Taicho reasoned.

His fukutaicho smiled at his logic. "I imagine that some people wouldn't be thinking at that level and were more defensive of his reaction time and, well, coolness factor. It's a fangirl thing."

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you'd think that."

The non-researching Shinigami watched the Millenium Falcon's jarring escape from Tatooine.

_**This is where the fun begins!**_

Rukia laughed. "Oh, so it's only fun after this, huh? What was everything up to this point?"

Orihime almost sparkled. "Just wait, you haven't seen anything yet!"

She dimmed a little as she remembered what was coming next. While everyone admired the brave front the Princess put forward, no one could ignore the horror of seeing one's own home planet destroyed before one's eyes in an instant.

"A whole _world_," Kiyone whispered.

Sentaro could only gulp in rare agreement.

_**Just let go of your conscious self, and act on instinct.**_

As the fatherly Obi-Wan kindly jammed a blinding blast helmet on Luke, Hitsugaya Taicho spoke up. "So, this training is like reiatsu sensing?"

He was interrupted by a sharp blast from the training remote and a bark of laughter from the cocky smuggler observing the proceedings.

_**Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.**_

"Well, maybe. At least I'm not the only one who has trouble with stuff like that though," Ichigo grumbled.

"Oh, if it was reiatsu sensing, any graduate from the Academy could totally do that," Kira asserted.

_**Good against remotes is one thing. Good against the living? Now that's something else.**_

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. There were a few scowls from his former opponents among the audience, but no one rose to the bait.

Everyone witnessed the Falcon's passengers' shock as they found their journey's end was ended before their arrival. All too soon, the Death Star's stolen plans were being sucked up into its own dark depths, along with the intrepid heroes.

Their arrival did not go unnoticed for long.

_**My old master… I must face him, alone.**_

As Darth Vader swept off in his lonely pursuit, Ikkaku commented, "If I were him, I would have rather picked a fight with that Han Solo guy. A projectile weapon would seem like more of a challenge."

"It's not that, Ikkaku. It's like his old _captain_, you see," Yumichika explained patiently.

Ikakku grunted in understanding.

Matsumoto grunted for an entirely different reason. "Men! I'd _never_ fight you, Taicho!" she nearly sang happily, smiling at her diminutive superior.

"I'm glad to hear it. In that case, I'm confiscating all the sake you hid in my office," he informed her without missing a beat.

"Over my dead body!" She exclaimed hotly, raising a fist.

Hitsugaya Taicho snorted. "That was fast."

_**Who is this? What's your operating number?**_

_**Uh… *blaster shot* Boring conversation anyway… Luke, we're gonna have company!**_

Orihime frowned. "I never understood how they caught on so fast. I thought Han was doing a good job impersonating an Imperial officer. I still wonder how you all caught on I wasn't a Shinigami so fast before too."

All the enlisted in room silently wondered how to enlighten her ignorance, and break her complete lack of subterfuge to her gently, but they were interrupted by a frenzied farmboy.

_**I'm Luke Skywalker! I'm here to rescue you!**_

"You know, I feel like I've heard of something like this before, from someone in my division," Isane said, frowning.

"It does sound familiar," Rukia admitted, her voice a little too even. Ichigo glanced at her and could just see her recalling a rescue much like this one, just substituting a background of a swaying bridge and a tower of seki-sekki. And perhaps a little seventh-seat from the Fourth Division somewhere nearby too.

_**When you came in, didn't you have a plan for getting out?**_

Ichigo tsked.

_**This is some rescue!**_

"Oh, it makes so much sense now!" Rukia chuckled, unable to restrain herself any longer at the sight of Ichigo's embarrassed face. "And that's why the rescuee has no say?" she teased.

"You're missing a lot of juicy bickering here, you know," Rangiku admonished her.

_**Into the garbage chute, flyboy!**_

_**Wonderful girl! Either I'm gonna kill her or I'm beginning to like her!**_

Luke's petrified face at Han's admission sent the strawberry blonde fukutaicho into hysterics.

_**What an incredible smell you've discovered!**_

"So, if your path is blocked, you should hit the sewers? Is that your M.O., Ichigo?" Ikkaku teased, catching on.

"That was entirely Hanatarou's idea," Ichigo responded defensively. "To be honest though, I was totally expecting this to happen."

Everyone present failed to suppress a shiver as the dianoga eye rose from the filth with a quiet _plop_ and roved over the audience.

This elicited several involuntary gasps and one startled shriek, spawning a few more gasps of outrage.

"Not in my ear, Yumichika!" snarled his bald (excuse me, shaven, I meant shaven) friend.

"I couldn't help it. It's so… _not_ beautiful!" The fifth seat dabbed at his watering eyes with his colour-coordinated handkerchief.

He continued to sniffle a little as the trapped four narrowly survived being pressed to smithereens.

_**Would someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?**_

As the huffy princess swept past the disappointing rescuing men (and Wookiee), Hisagi nudged Kira. "I dare you to say that to Komamura Taicho next time you run into him."

Kira gasped. "I would never! What if he didn't realize I was joking?"

"You joke?" Matsumoto asked, confused.

"Better not, Kira. Iba would probably beat you up," decided Yumichika.

"Yeah," the addressed fukutaicho agreed morosely, not even bothering to assert his superiority.

_**For luck!**_

As the suddenly kissed Luke swang successfully across the chasm and eluded the shooting stormtroopers, Isane gave in to a rare fit of mischief. "Too bad no one gives you something for luck like that, Ichigo. Perhaps you two girls should think about it," she prompted, addressing the two obvious suspects.

"Oh I could never! What happens if he got dependent on it or something and one of us weren't there when he needed to fight and he _lost _because of it?" Orihime babbled, flustered.

Rukia nodded. "I agree with Inoue. In the beginning, I did try to increase his focus by slapping him with that glove I received from Urahara when removing him from his body, but I've been reducing its use now that he is more accustomed to his substitute duties."

"So you're saying that you _didn't_ have to hit me so hard to dislodge me from my body each time?" Ichigo deadpanned.

"No, of course not!" Rukia raised an eyebrow as if it was obvious.

_**If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.**_

As Vader's red saber whined through the suddenly empty Jedi robes, the audience entered a shocked silence.

"Obi Wan… I didn't expect that," Ukitake Taicho said gravely.

_**Run Luke, run!**_

"Wait, wasn't that Obi Wan's voice?" asked Hitsugaya, confused.

Ichigo decided that this one piece of information wouldn't hurt. "Yes."

"But he just now died, correct?"

He guessed he could clarify this too. "Yes."

"Then how is Luke hearing him talk?" Renji summed up all their questions.

Ichigo realized he should have known. "I… don't think I should tell you that now."

"Whatever, that's kinda weird, man," Renji let the matter drop.

"…My line…" Ichigo moaned.

Everyone followed the frenzied gunning for the Imperial TIE fighters, waiting with bated breath until the last pursuing ship had been eliminated. Their relief was short lived as Princess Leia delivered her assessment.

_**Easy? You call that easy?**_

_**They're tracking us.**_

Kyouraku Taicho groaned with the familiarity. "I hate that feeling."

Ukitake Taicho laughed mirthlessly beside him. "Yes. Like that one time two centuries ago – "

"Don't bring that up," his friend held up a hand warningly.

Nanao sighed. She knew he did that deliberately, and she was not letting him off the paperwork just to satisfy her curiosity. Besides, she could just look it up in her division's records since they dropped a date. If she was honest with herself, those actually made for pretty good reading, especially if contrasted with those of the thirteenth with all the discrepancies noted. But that was for later. Right now, it looked like there was a full-blown war council was in session onscreen, and they had located their enemy's weakness.

As they broke up their meeting, Luke was confronted by the departing Han Solo and Chewbacca.

_**Take care, Han. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it?**_

As Luke stormed off, consumed by disappointment, Rangiku pouted. "Aw, poor guy. He must feel terrible. I'm pretty sad too. I really wanted to see more of those two."

Orihime smiled consolingly. "I'm sorry, Rangiku-san. He really was a great character, wasn't he?" She continued watching the movie quietly.

Ichigo tried to stifle his double-take. He'd have to watch himself around this girl in the future. He didn't know she could actually be this sneaky. She normally was the soul of transparency. Wait, was that actually a form of stealth in itself? His mind reeled.

_**Red leader, this is Gold Leader.**_

_**I copy, Gold Leader.**_

_**We're setting up for the target run now.**_

_**We're in position. We're gonna cut across their axis and try to draw their fire.**_

The shifting fortunes of the battle rippled as echoes across the watchers, as the deadly drama among the brave Rebel X- and Y-wings, the powerful gun towers, and the persistent TIE fighters played out. Expressions switched quickly between elation and pain as Luke and his comrades rescued each other from and were shot down by the Imperial forces. It soon came down to Luke and improvised attack runners, then Luke and R2, and then finally Luke himself.

_**Use the Force Luke! Let go, Luke!**_

They all held their breath as Luke gathered himself for the final shot.

_**I have you now… what?!**_

_**Yahoo!**_

As Darth Vader went hurtling into space after the Millenium Falcon's boisterous shove into his flight formation, Rangiku leaned over to bestow a shove of her own. "Oh, you sneaky thing, you," she whispered fondly at the redheaded girl.

The explosion of the Death Star and saving of the Rebellion was greeted with many whoops and even some hugs and backslapping. R2's assessment of recovery elicited further sighs of relief.

All too soon, the Throne Room award ceremony led to the credits and the end of the movie that spawned the saga.

"Well, what did you think, Nanao-chan?" Kyouraku Taicho asked the newest watcher.

"So, R2 is carrying a secret item hidden inside him, falls into enemy territory, and requires a small rescue team to keep him safe," Nanao shook her head, clearing it. "Please tell me I'm not the only one thinking this."

Orihime tapped her lip thoughtfully. "Personally, I almost hope that Yoruichi-san was the one who actually placed the Hogyoku in Kuchiki-san's gigai. She fits my image of Princess Leia much better than Urahara-san."

Everyone else shuddered, overlaying in their minds the daring yet elegant princess on the scruffy, near-perpetually grinning mad-scientist-cum-shopkeeper.

"It does feel like a self-contained story. But you know, I feel like I'm forgetting something from the previous three films, something they haven't wrapped up…" Hitsugaya mused.

Nemu held her breath. Was this iteration of the memory replacement formula only temporarily effective even without administering an antidote?

"Jar Jar Binks." Byakuya intoned definitively.

"Yes, I think that was what I had forgotten. What did happen to Jar Jar Binks? I do not remember that being explained at the end of the last film," Hitsugaya queried. The other audience members added their agreement.

"Er, Jar Jar? Are you sure that's really all you remember that needs to be wrapped up?" Ichigo tried.

Hitsugaya looked puzzled. "Is there something else I should be asking about?"

_A success_, Nemu recorded in the commonplace book she carried in her left forearm for observational data collecting. _But not effective with Jar Jars._


	8. The Interlude: Slumber Wars

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, Star Wars, their respective characters, or anything pertaining to them.

A/N: This is the second chapter to be posted in the same day, so you might want to read the previous first. But you don't have to if you don't want to. You can be a Rebel! Not that you're an Imperial if you read this in the right order, unless you want to be. Now, for Slumber Wars! … Wait, did you think this was for Episode V? Oh no! I guess… happy early April Fools day?

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

"Those movies were fun! I guess it really is about time to sleep though, so we can stay awake and watch the rest tomorrow." As Isane unrolled her futon on the Tenth Division office's floor, she sighed regretfully. "I sure wish Taicho could've come. I understand that she needs to stay at the Division compound when stuff comes up, but I do feel bad for her. Maybe I should have stayed behind too…"

Her boisterous sister bounded over to give her a hug. "No way, sis! Don't leave! You worked almost all today before Unohana Taicho's shift started, you need some relaxation time with the SWA!"

A thin voice streamed through the small hole of a tightly wrapped traveling futon. "Would you mind keeping your voice down, Kiyone? I cannot fall asleep." A moan floated through the staid blue fabric, followed by a soft thump as the cocooned Nanao tried to discover a more comfortable position in vain.

Momo giggled. "Now now, Nanao! Rangiku says that girls at sleepovers talk and gossip and eat sweets until the sun comes out. You can't be thinking of falling asleep yet!"

A distinct click of glass on metal came from the futon, followed by a groan. As she widened the hole at the top and levered herself half out of the bag, Nanao again attempted to settle her glasses more securely on her face, properly this time. "Ugh, I think I scratched them on the zipper. Please remind me why I am here again?"

"Hey, hey, Vice-Prez! No wimping out on us!" Yachiru leaned over from behind the reclined Nanao, blinking solemnly at her. More specifically, at her mouth, since she had accidentally overshot Nanao's eyes. "This is a manDAtory event for our Women's Association, Vice Prez! You have to participate," she informed Nanao's mouth very seriously.

Nanao sighed and crossed her arms in a business-like manner. "Very well, if this is a required social event, I shall do my best. What topics are customary at slumber parties?"

Isane's eyes took on a glossy look as she searched in her memories. "Well, one 2nd Division member I was treating after a recent undercover assignment as a transfer student told me that they generally gossip about boys and crushes," she recalled, index finger on lip.

Nemu stared at her, out of surprise or out of habit was up to anyone's guess. "Were the injuries you treated her for and the sleepover conversation related?"

Isane blinked. "No, no; they were just straightening iron burns and toothache. Actually, now that I think about it, they might have been. She did say that she was describing Ukitake Taicho when the girls accidentally burned her ear."

"Huh, I guess we are safe as long as we avoid dangerous activities while discussing secret admirations then," Nanao concluded.

"Who was she, sis? Let me at her, scheming about my Taicho like that!" Kiyone growled, bristling on her cushion.

"C-calm down, Kiyone! She wasn't scheming about him, just describing him," Isane said placatingly with a little laugh.

"That's even worse! Has she been stalking him? I'll protect you, Taicho!" Rukia began pushing up her sleeves.

Momo placed a hand on her shoulder soothingly. "No, I'm sure she hasn't. She was probably just talking about what she's seen of him out and about Sereitei, and how admirable he is as a Taicho. If anyone has a right to say anything about her choice of model, it would Soi-Fon as her Taicho," Momo ended, turning toward that individual.

Soi Fon didn't even glance up from the convoluted stretch she was holding. "I could not care less who she'd talk about regarding such a frivolous topic. Though, I am rather disappointed that an agent of mine let mere human girls burn her ear. Perhaps I should find out if I could recruit them somehow."

Nanao felt that the flow of this particular conversation was getting out of hand. "Well, then, Inoue-san, who do you have a secret crush on?" she interrupted smoothly, gaze focused on the startled redhead as if seated on the judges' bench.

"Um, ah, uh… let's change the subject! Math! Let's try math! What's two plus two?" Orihime babbled distractedly.

"1-0-0."

"Right! What's four plus – wait, Nemu-san? What do you mean? One hundred?"

"Please excuse me. Mayuri-sama has always instructed me to count in binary. He said it stimulates the mind, sets one apart as superior, and makes it easier for him write programming when I am nearby."

Rangiku yawned, hiding her gaping mouth with a fashion magazine that she had been holding in front of the stretching Soi Fon (who had been pointedly ignoring it). "There's no point in asking who Orihime's crush is anyway, Nanao. Everyone in Sereitei knows who she likes."

"Really? Who?" Rukia leaned forward conspiratorially.

"Uh, um, I'll just… get the food! What would you like guys? I already made some barbeque and sauerkraut sandwiches, and some vegetables with peanut butter and salsa dip. Is there anything else that you want?" Orihime babbled, beaming her forced smile at the assembled Shinigami.

"Barbeque and sauerkraut? I have overseen my share of mortal world missions, and I am relatively certain that that combination is not offered anywhere. My fukutiacho informed me that barbeque involves meat. In cases like those, I feel able to rely on his expertise." As always, Soi Fon delivered even the last statement in her usual no-nonsense manner.

"Oh, I had originally been planning to make Reuben sandwiches, 'cause I suddenly got a craving for them. So I started looking for ingredients, and I found bread and sauerkraut and pastrami, but I couldn't find any thousand island dressing. But I found Ayesagawa-san lending Matsumoto-san a hairdryer, and when I described thousand island dressing to him, he said that they had something like it in the Eleventh Division. But when I got there, all I could find were eight bottles of barbeque sauce. So I just decided to use that, but then I found out Seventh's Division's pastrami was outdated by two months. So it just ended up being barbeque sauce, sauerkraut and bread," Orihime concluded in a rush, hands flailing in her effort to explain.

"Oh, yeah, we were going to have a barbeque today. But this sounded like more fun, so I canceled it," Yachiru piped up, grinning.

"Oh, Yachiru-chan, you could have let them have the party without you. They could always have another including you another time," Momo reproached her.

"No no no, they'd never do that. I even told them they could, if they really reeeeeally wanted to, while their hard-working fukutaicho was absent on SWA business. Sure they could party without their superior officer who takes care of them and their Taicho day in and day out. But they all agreed immediately that they would rather postpone the barbeque," Yachiru responded benignly.

"Actually, I'm more concerned about the expired meat," Isane interrupted fretfully. "Who knew that the Seventh Division could be so irresponsible?"

Nanao glanced at the tall medic, settling her glasses more securely upon the bridge of her nose. "I would not worry yourself over it, Isane. I have heard from Iba-san that Komamura Taicho has a strong constitution and is able to eat almost anything. Even after Rukia's rescue, when Rangiku and Inoue-san made that hotpot, he consumed three big helpings without falling ill in the slightest."

Orihime gasped. "Oh no! People got sick? I wonder what could have been wrong with it… maybe the cabbage had mold?"

Rangiku stared at the ceiling in concentration, finger tapping a slow staccato on pouting lip. "Perhaps the garlic pesto had gotten rancid? Or the green tea ice cream had expired? Funny, but I never noticed anything wrong. All the sake I drank must have killed any bacteria."

Orihime gazed at her openmouthed. "I didn't notice that you added green tea ice cream! It never would have occurred to me to add that. No wonder it was so good and creamy! How much did you put in?"

"Oh, just a couple of scoops. I saw a bowl of it nearby, and thought it might make a nice addition."

Rukia's head shot up at this. "Oh, so that's what happened to Renji's ice cream! He complained that he was only able to eat two bites before it disappeared. He thought that Hisagi fukutaicho or Kira fukutaicho stole it."

Rangiku and Orihime stared at each other in shock. "We ate something with Renji's germs on it? Yuck!" Rangiku whispered with an expression of utter horror, unconsciously reaching to wipe her mouth with the back of her hand.

Orihime wrung her hands fretfully. "Boy germs! Gross!"

"Speaking of boys, I wonder what the men are doing now?" Rukia questioned idly.

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH

Elsewhere at that exact moment, Ichigo was looking at a pair of sunglasses in bewilderment. "S. M. A.? What is this?"

Shaded Renji grit his teeth in irritation. "The Shinigami Men's Association. It's a great honor to be invited to join. Be more appreciative."

"Okay. But do I have to wear the sunglasses?"

"But of course. You can see that _we're_ all wearing them," Yumichika gestured at their companions gracefully. Somehow, his sleek black glasses with miniscule red and purple highlights at the top of the frames seemed to make him appear like a movie star, glamourous with an air of mystery. Unfortunately, indoors, similar glasses on the scowling Ikkaku at his side made him look like a disappointed hitman who crashed the wrong party. Yumichika admirably ignored this. "Even the Taichos wear them to SMA functions."

Ukitake looked up from his task of solemnly presenting a pair of wire-rimmed smoky lenses to his fellow Taicho. "Wear them with pride, Shunsui," he reminded his friend, who accepted and donned them with appropriate respect. Ukitake then turned towards the substitute Shinigami with an unusually serious expression, regarding him from behind large – lensed sunglasses that graced him with an aura of classy anonymity nearly rivaling Yumichika's. However, the effect was somewhat spoiled by their constant slipping down his nose and his perpetual efforts to push them back into place. This distracted him from whatever important intimation he was about to impart to Ichigo. "I really need to fix these hinges. Or better yet, stop suddenly collapsing from coughing fits while wearing these sunglasses," he muttered to himself.

Sparing a glance at two other Taicho present – Kenpachi and Hitsugaya both sat stoically with their shades – the human boy finally pointed to the last Taicho in the room. "Why isn't Byakuya wearing any then?"

The noble looked down at the proceedings with a vaguely disapproving air. "I have neither the time nor inclination to associate myself with the association's activities. Right now, I am merely remaining until the present company settles down for the night so that I may leave assured that there is no danger to my house."

Renji leaned over to Ichigo conspiratorially. "We think he just wants cooler sunglasses. We already tried asking him to join with the shades we're giving you."

Ichigo wisely held in any urges to laugh and gravely accepted the rejected article of eyewear. "Ah, well, I think I see." As he folded his arms in a masculine fashion to copy the surrounding SMA members (as far as he could tell – it was actually pretty hard to see with those dark shades indoors), he asked, "So what now?"

"Um… I don't know," Renji looked ashamed of himself.

"Well, what do you normally do?"

"Not much, actually," Kira admitted. His wraparound shades somehow made him appear even more soulful and melancholic. It almost made Ichigo suggest a group hug just to cheer him up. But obviously that wouldn't be a manly enough activity for the S.M.A.

"Actually, we generally try to think of ways either to copy the SWA or make them recognize us as an equal organization," Hisagi explained. His sunglasses fit so well with the tattoos on his face that they seemed a permanent fixture. Unfortunately for him, they were so dark that he obviously couldn't see, since he was actually addressing a spot on the wall a meter to Ichigo's right.

Ichigo felt like he got the picture. "Well, they're having a girls' slumber party right now, so we should have a men's sleepover. And since we've been watching movies all afternoon, and I take it you guys don't have any video games -" he looked for and received confirmation of this from all the males in the room – "it's kinda late anyway, so maybe we should all just go to sleep."

"Seriously, that's it?" Kyouraku Taicho asked, surprised.

"There's not much else to do, really," Ichigo responded, shrugging.

Byakuya chose this moment to clear his throat importantly. "I would offer a calligraphy or art lesson to anyone interested, but I agree that the late hour makes sleep more appropriate."

Yumichika sighed. "Oh well, at least we got to have an official meeting in the Kuchiki manor without sneaking in or getting thrown out. The SWA never has accomplished that."

"Actually, I'm surprised that Taicho hasn't suggested fighting Ichigo just to pass the time, now that Soi Fon Taicho's left. I would think he'd try to get one round in before she gets over here to stop him." Ikkaku looked over at Kenpachi, who had not moved during the entire conversation.

Ukitake snuck behind both the Tenth and Eleventh Division Taichos. He covered his mouth, shaking with the effort to stem his laughter. "Neither of them are awake."

Zaraki Taicho remained slumped against the wall, his visage just as stone-faced as when awake. Now that they were silently observing the sleeping duo, they could notice Hitsugaya Taicho's lower lip pouting tremulously and a slight snore with each breath.

Ichigo smirked at the little Shinigami fondly. "Well, I guess that settles that."


End file.
